Found Out About You - Xiaomiao8 - Eric Harris (2024)

Chapter 1: Chapter 1: "All last summer in case you don't recall, I was yours and you were mine, forget it all."

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Fourth period was the worst. I sat with a blank piece of paper in front of me, trying to will the words to come out. Creative writing my ass, any time that I was in this class I couldn’t think of anything to write that came close to being creative. In my opinion, creative writing in a school setting is an oxymoron. But, alas, I had taken an interest in writing the year before and Mrs. Kelly had noticed, urging me to take her class in my senior year. So, there I sat.

I turned my paper over and began to make small scribbles, glancing up at the clock and willing the hand on the clock to tick faster.
How could I come up with anything creative with as empty and hollow as I felt inside? My best writings were initially inspired by movies I enjoyed or songs I listened to on repeat. At first I really loved writing and imagining storylines beneath my favorite media, but I slowly developed a case of impersonator’s syndrome wash over me, after my father read something I had left laying on my bedroom desk, and my interest slowly faded away in to nothing. Almost like my life had done since I started as a senior at Columbine High. I felt like nothing I wrote or thought of was truly original, and thus, wasn’t worth writing anymore.

“Five minutes guys. Finish up what you’re writing, and we will continue tomorrow and then proofread each other on Friday. You can put your stuff away but don’t stand up until the bell rings.” Mrs. Kelly said, standing up from her desk, walking around to the front, and then leaning back on it.

I quickly glanced around the room; the rest of the class were wrapping up the last sentences they were writing. I folded my paper up and slid it into the inside pocket in the front of my binder and picked my backpack up from the floor beside me. I sighed deeply, the realization that I was failing at everything everyone expected of me washed over me.

The bell rang loudly, shattering the silence in the room and shaking my thoughts loose. A couple boys quickly grabbed their bags and jogged past the front of my desk and out the door. I placed my backpack in my lap. I hated the rush of everyone trying to cram themselves out of the same tiny doorway, so I would pretend to search my bag for something until everyone left.

“Mr. Harris, I need to talk to you.” Mrs. Kelly called after a boy who was almost running out of the classroom to catch up with his much taller friend.

I looked up at him as he turned around at the door and rolled his eyes. For a moment, we made eye contact, as he lazily walking back over to Mrs. K’s desk. I swiftly became embarrassed, he probably thought I was being nosy, and stood up swinging my backpack on. I headed for the door, and as I rounded the corner into the hallway, I was startled by a crash behind me. I turned and seen my binder and folders spilled out on to the floor. In my haste, I’d forgotten to zip it.

“Oh God, I’m a f*cking idiot.” I muttered, putting my hands over my eyes for a moment.

Today could not get much worse. I’m sure of it. I crouched down and started scraping my papers back into my binder and sticking everything in my bag haphazardly.

“Thanks for leaving me hanging back there.” I heard someone say from over top of me.

Were they talking to me? Nobody usually talked to me, ever. Except for my best friend since kindergarten, Bailey, and that was far and few between these days.

“Huh?” I said, waiting a few seconds to see if someone really was talking to me.

“Thanks for leaving me hanging, back there with Mrs. K.” He says as he kneels and picks up a stack of papers from the floor.

I’m awkward, suddenly, fumbling with my binder trying to squeeze it back into my bag.

“I’m Eric. Eric Harris, in case you didn’t figure that out already.” He says, handing me the stack of papers.

I take them and tuck them to my chest for a moment. I can feel the heat rise from my chest and into my face.

“Thank you, for picking those up.” I reply, shoving the papers into my backpack and zipping it quickly.

We kneel there for a second as I can feel him staring at me. I don’t know what to do and my brain feels like scrambled eggs.

“I have to go.” I say, standing quickly.

As fast as I had stood up, I turned and walked briskly towards my next class.

“Nice introduction, maybe next time you could tell me your name too!” Eric calls after me.

“Oh, I’m nobody.” I say, doing a half turn and calling back to him.

And in that instant, I realize I have once again embarrassed myself, my brisk pace picks up into a full speed run. And pretty soon I'm in a full sprint and running to my next class, away from him.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2: "Is there a line that I could write that's sad enough to make you cry?"

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I laid back on my bed, against my pillows and opened my journal. It was just a cheap notebook that I picked up for 88 cents when the school guidance counselor suggested that I start recording my thoughts. I realized after a while that I only seemed to write down my bad days or embarrassing moments, which was pretty much the story of my life so far at 17. With pencil to paper the words just poured from my fingertips.

“Today was horrible. Okay, well not completely horrible. But horrible enough that I’d like to take my car keys and key my own f*cking eyes out already and get it over with. Well, let’s see, where to even start? I woke up late, to an empty house as usual. I tried grabbing breakfast but had an anxiety episode before I even made it out of the front door and ended up barfing my face off.
Then, I forgot my cigs at home and anxiety flooded me again because if mom or dad would have found them, I would be grounded into 2020. I tried to lay low all day at school, but of course, someone always picks at me. I wish I never had to take gym class ever again, but mom suggested I did again this year to “bulk up” after the incident over last summer. That incident being I was too depressed to eat much for months or too anxious to keep it down and I lost 33 pounds. But mom refers to it as the incident. That’s just her, I guess. I really truly wasn’t doing anything and I ALWAYS stay out of people’s way, but I took a chance and put some concealer on under my eyes in the one bathroom mirror after gym and Nicole of course had to put me in my place. “No matter how much makeup you apply, it will never hide how ugly you truly are.”, those words are going to haunt me for the rest of my life I bet. Because I’m an idiot. I only remember the bad things and never remember anything beneficial to myself. Like how I forgot to complete my French homework last night and ended up on AIM until 11 pm and then fell asleep.

I can’t help it that everyone who cares about me is halfway across the world and I have to get online to talk to them. You’d think it was a cardinal sin if you heard my parents speak on it. I can’t talk to them about anything. Like the one time Leah asked me to write down song lyrics for her, her grandparents found them in her jeans pocket and she didn’t have the guts to tell them it was lyrics, so she only said I had written them and gave them to her. Her grandma acted like she was going to have a coronary until Leah told her my address. She marched her wrinkled ass right over while I was at work and told my parents I was writing “filthy” letters to her granddaughter. When I got home, they didn’t even let me explain, I was just insulted and grounded. That still stings. But I’m sure it’s probably a positive turning point in my life, because it’s when I started developing awareness of myself and my so-called friends and people around me. Not everyone can be trusted.

Oh…and I did something even more foolish. In front of a boy. I have had a couple classes with him over the years, but I don’t speak with him. I wouldn’t even try, it’s hard to tell who his friends are and how bad he would be ridiculed just for me talking to him. I forgot to zip my backpack and spilled all my sh*t into the hall, and he helped pick some things up. Typical me, I ran right away from him. His name is Eric. I didn’t even tell him my name. I said I was “nobody”. I mean that IS who I am, but it just made me seem even more dumb than most people already see me as. I’m mortified. By just being me, I am mortified. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, but at least it’s Friday. I have to work right after my last class though. At least it will keep my mind off everything. I guess I’m done. Ha-ha, good night.”
I closed my journal and wrapped it in the scarf I usually wrap it in before tucking it under my mattress. I know it’s risky to write my every feeling down, but I think I just might explode if I didn’t. That would be worse than mom or dad finding it and reading it. At least for them. I can cope with punishment that I deserve. I couldn’t cope with hurting them with things I say or do though. They may not seem to care much for me, or they seem like hard asses, but I care deeply for them. I just want to be a good daughter to them, then move away after the summer and go to college. I don’t want to make them mad at me before I leave this sh*t shack “Littleton” and never look back.

I lay my head down on the pillow and the only thing I can think of is a mixture of what Nicole had said to me this morning and what I had said to Eric.

My last thought before falling asleep was a mixture of, “Ugly. I’m nobody.”

Chapter 3: Chapter 3: "All the lines you wrote to me were lies."

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School seemed to last forever. Every time I would look at the clock it seemed as if it were winding itself backwards to mock me. My anxiety overwhelmed me about almost everything and I ended up leaving after lunch and asking if I could come in to work early, which my manager really appreciated. I was usually only scheduled from 5pm until 9 pm because of the stupid laws in Colorado. But I could work a maximum of 40 hours a week and going in a few hours early would top me off at just under 40 hours.

The drive from school to work was only twelve minutes but it was the calmest and most peaceful I had been in days. I turned off South Mineral and on to South Broadway and parked in the front of the closest spot I could manage. I looked up at the big “King Sooper’s” sign hanging above the entrance, the sun reflected heavy on to it even though it was slightly chilly outside. I hated that ugly sign, it was white yellow and red, and reminded me of if McDonald’s was turned into a supermarket/pharmacy combo. But my managers were nice, and people didn’t usually bother me unless they needed help. Sometimes, if I were lucky, I got to help unload the huge boxes of pharmacy or food shipments and it was just complete silence for a few minutes and I could smoke outside while I did it. So, it was like a paid smoke break, for the most part.

I took my lanyard with my name tag off from over my rear-view mirror and threw it over my head and on to my neck. I grabbed my work blouse from the back seat of my car and pulled it on, buttoning it up the front and tucking it in.

I usually didn’t bother stopping at home before work and would usually just keep a few work shirts in the back seat, so I was usually always ready to be called in. I don’t really pride myself in my job, it’s nothing super special, but I love to work and just do anything that keeps my hands busy. Plus, it was fun to play professional when customers come up to me.

I grabbed my pager from my glove compartment and clipped it onto my back pocket and crawled out of my car. Standing up, I clipped my car keys on to my front belt loop and rubbed my hands down the front of my black pants to straighten any creases I had accumulated throughout the day. Walking into work always felt like I was Clark Kent, hopping into a phone booth to miraculously change into a superhero who nobody knew the identity of. At work, I felt safe. I felt like I belonged somewhere, that I was equal to everyone around me. This was the closest thing I received in life that felt like a reprieve from being at the bottom rung of the social ladder everywhere else.

“Thank GOD you’re here!” My manager said, running towards me as soon as I had gotten through the front door.

“Busy?” I said, laughing a little.

“You have no idea! It’s been packed here on and off since we opened!” She replied, grabbing me by the arm and leading me up to the registers.

“Don’t tell me I’m on registers today, Amy.” I said, my heart sinking a little.

“You guessed it! I know you hate it up here, but I just need your help for about an hour when all the old folks start heading home for the day! Lacie left her vest up on register 2 for you!” Amy replied, playfully shoving me in the direction of the cash register.

“Only because you asked me so nicely!” I called after her.

“You’re the best! I’m taking a smoke break before the next rush; I’ll be right back in a few!” She yelled back, walking quickly out of the automatic doors.

I sighed heavily and put the ugly vest on over top of my blouse. I hated to check out with a passion, but I liked working here and being helpful. As soon as I had scanned my employee key into the register another wave of senior citizens came slowly through the doors.

A few hours passed and I was still on register two. The steady stream of customers slowly dithered down to a few here and there and with me being a living breathing doormat, I stood at the register while the other cashiers took late lunch and smoke breaks. I checked by watch and it was almost 5 pm, when I was originally due to start my shift, and I was already exhausted. I leaned over on the counter piece in front of my register and put my forehead in my hands and rubbed my temples.

“If I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn you told me yesterday that your name was ‘nobody’.” I heard someone say from in front of my register.

It took me by surprise, and I looked up, my mouth agape for a moment. It was Eric, carrying a can of pop in one hand and a pharmacy bag in the other. He set everything up on the belt and it moved towards me. I had already made eye contact with him and didn’t drop it.

“Oh, well, you caught me there.” I said, imitating sarcastic finger guns at him.

“I didn’t see you in fourth period today, Ms. Alex Cutter.” Eric said, leaning closer to me to pick up my name tag dangling from my neck.

“Nobody usually does.” I said, my voice dropping to slightly above a whisper as I broke eye contact.

I think my negative tone shocked him for a moment, because he leaned in closer to me, over the counter of the register station.

“I notice.” He replied, as he started picking at his fingers.

I was at a loss for words. I hit a button on the register to sum up his total.

“That will be 87 cents Mr. Harris.” I said, going back to my customer service voice.

He handed me a one-dollar bill from his wallet, and I opened the register and handed him back a dime and three pennies which he shoved into the right front pocket of his jeans.

“Excuse me if I’m being obnoxious, but what time do you get off?” He asked.

My heart fluttered in my chest, but my childish sense of humor made my chest heave a small giggle. I cleared my throat awkwardly to stifle it, I didn’t want him to think I was laughing at him.

“I’m scheduled until 9. I’ve been here a while though today. I still have a long shift ahead of me.” I said, babbling on to cover the blatant awkwardness I was experiencing.

I looked over at him as he winced.

“I’m being serious. I’m not trying to avoid you or anything.” I stammer.

“Good, because you’re free to go Alex!” I heard from Amy who was standing behind me.

I jumped slightly, how long had she even been standing there?

“I need the hours though.” I said, turning around to face her.

Eric seemed slightly amused, if not pleased, if I were to be completely honest.

“Go, I’ll clock you out at 9 before I leave. Don’t tell Tim, he would literally sh*t his khaki pants if he found out.” Amy said, offering a smirk of her own.

I stood for a moment and looked at her and then Eric and back at Amy again. Eric tapped his wrist when I looked back at him.

“Times a tickin’ woman.” He said, co*cking his head to the side.

“Okay, please please please, if mom or dad call here for me just page me. Tell them I’m doing stock.” I said, ripping the ugly vest off as quickly as I could and handing it to Amy.

“Will do, kid. Now get the f*ck out of here, go make a friend.” She said, raising her eyebrow at me.

Eric grabbed me by the hand before I had much more thought and almost pulled me out of the doors. I didn’t even know what I was doing. Where were we going, especially? And why he wanted ME of all people to go with him. My heart was thudding in my chest.
“Where are we going? I literally just met you. I don’t want to get kidnapped and end up on Unsolved Mysteries or anything.” I stuttered.
He let go of my hand and feigned shock.

“You think I would kidnap and murder you? Of all people.” He said, opening his mouth wide in faux surprise.

“Well, I don’t know you. You’re just a guy who picked up my papers after I was a clutz yesterday, after all.” I said, laughing slightly.

“Well, I know you. I know you have been in at least two of the same classes as I have since freshman year, up until this year when we only have conlit together.” He said grabbing me by the arm and leading me through the parking lot past my own car.

“Really? So, you already knew my name when you asked it?” I replied, with honest shock.

“Yep. I pay attention to everyone around me.” He said, stopping in front of dark gray Honda Prelude.

“So, what makes me think it’s okay to leave work and get into your car with you?” I said, folding my arms across my chest.

“Well,” He said, putting his finger to his chin, “The fact that I asked your manager if you could leave before I approached your register seems pretty admirable to me.”

“Ew, Eric, that’s sort of stalkerish.” I said, faking a look of disgust.

“Is it? I hadn’t noticed.” He replied, seeming satisfied with himself.

“Where are we going? Seriously.” I said, relaxing my body language.

“It’s a surprise. Just get in, I promise I won’t bite.” He said, opening the driver’s side door of the car and tossing his prescription bag in the console between the seats..

I thought for a minute. What if this was just another cruel joke, set up by Nicole or one of her sleaze ball friends? What if it was a re-enactment of that Stephen King movie Carrie and I end up having to walk home covered in pigs’ blood? Did he associate with them? Was this payback for something wrong I did without even knowing I had done something wrong? I scanned the parking lot for familiar faces and found none. There were hardly any cars left in the lot, if I was being completely honest with myself.

“Okay Harris. But remember, if anything feels off, I will key your f*cking eyes out with my car keys.” I retort, giving up on trying to find something wrong with this situation.

He laughed loudly at my attempt at a threat.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” He said, winking cheesily at me and hopping into the car.

I pulled the door open and slid into the passenger side seat. I carefully noted where everything was just in case, I had to make a run for it. So far, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary and the handles hadn’t been ripped off the inside or anything scary.

“Don’t worry, I’m not Ted Bundy, you can leave if you want to.” He said, turning the key in the ignition switch as the engine roared to life.

He sat the can of soda in the cup holder and sighed deeply.

“You don’t want to leave though, do you Alex? If you truly don’t want to go with me, I won’t make you go.” He asked, his voice a little softer than it was moments ago.

A pang sent through my chest and into my heart. I didn’t realize that my caution had been conveyed personally to him. Sometimes my worries and fears offend other people and I don’t realize it until it’s far too late. But I didn’t want to make him think I didn’t want to be there, in the car with him, all joking aside.

“No, no, this is fine, really. I want to go. Even though I don’t know where we are going or why.” I said, resting my hands in my lap.

“Then why are you so hesitant? Are you not spontaneous?” He said, reversing out of the parking spot.

“No, it’s just…” I said trailing off.

“It’s just what?” He replied, looking over at me for a moment.

“I’m scared.”

“Of me?” He asked, sounding slightly offended.

“Not of you in particular, no.” I said, my voice lowering.

“Then what is there left to fear than fear itself?” He mused, grabbing a CD from the visor above his head.

“Nicole Zears. This being some sort of elaborate mean joke. A full-blown set up for people to make a mockery out of what life I have left.” I replied, my words piling up nervously one after the other.

“Hey hey hey,” He said, slightly cutting me off, “I don’t f*ck with that cabbage c*nt bitch, for one. And two, I’m not one to play mean jokes on girls. Especially not girls who actually make it to leaving in my car with me.” He said, halfheartedly joking.

“So, you do this a lot then?” I asked.

“Pull girls right away from the register they’re working at? No, honestly, I didn’t expect you to actually leave work. It was worth a shot though, so I took that shot as I seen fit.”

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” I ask, turning my head to look at him.

His eyes focus on the road for a moment, picking up speed. The sun gleams through the car window, cutting slivers of light across his face. Across his eyebrows, then lashes, then lastly, his hazel eyes. I avert my gaze and swallow a lump in my throat. He’s actually very very cute.

“I guess we will see, won’t we?” He says, smiling slightly.

I smile back over at him as I notice how, when he genuinely smiles, little C shapes form at the corners of his mouth. My face suddenly feels like it’s on fire and I fall silent. He turns the dial on the CD Player up a few notches and I sit back in my seat and heave a heavy sigh.
Maybe, just maybe, I am as comfortable here right now in this car, as I am alone at work. I push the thought out of my mind as an intrusive thought budges it’s way in. A sense of dread washes over me.

‘You have to pay a price for every moment of peace you feel Alex. This is no exception.’ I think.

I shake my head and try to empty my thoughts into the music that surrounds my ears right now. This COULD be different.

I turn my head and watch our surroundings fly past my window, the sun dipping low in the sky as we drive past Writer’s Vista Park.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4: "Months roll past the love that you struck dead."

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“Eric, what the f*ck are we doing at school at 6 pm on a Thursday?” I said, a little annoyed when I realized we pulled into Columbine High School’s parking lot.

He turned to me for a moment and stared at me, a look I couldn’t quite decipher, until I let out a deep sigh.

“Look, if this is some sort of trick that Nicki...” I started to say.

“What?” He said, suddenly averting his eyes down to his lap and then looking back up at me.

“Nicki who? You missed a huge quiz by leaving early, I was going to take you in and fix it for you before anyone could grade papers.” He said, looking more confused than I was now.

“You were?” I replied, my voice softening a little.

“Yeah, but first, tell me who Nicki is and why you would think that I was playing a trick on you.” He said, his voice becoming serious as he shifted his weight in the seat.

“It’s just some dumb bitch from school. She’s constantly f*cked with me for the past four years. Her last name is Zears.” I answered, pretending to look at something outside of the car window.

“The one that looks like if someone put gym shorts on a duck?”

I caught my laughter in my throat by surprise, which made him laugh too.

“Now that you put it that way, she really does! And those stupid knee-high socks she’s always got on.”
“And her hair,” He said waving his hand above his own head, “she does that stupid 80s thing to it. It looks like two sausages stacked on the front of her forehead.”

I snorted and burst into laughing. I had always assumed that my bias towards her is what made her ugly. It was a huge relief that someone else could see what I did.

“And her stupid ass friend that screeches like a pterodactyl when we have to play volleyball. They both just grate my f*cking nerves. Don’t be offended because I assum…” I started.

“I’m not, but assuming makes an ass out of you and me. I have never in my life been friendly with people like that. Sure, I’m cordial, but they don’t usually bother me so it’s rarely necessary.” He rambled on, after cutting me off.

I couldn’t concentrate well on what he was saying because I had been staring at his lips, since the sausage comment. It came in waves, but I felt like I could trust him. Even though I had only known him for about an hour. I must be losing my ever-loving mind.

“So, do you want to go ace that quiz now?” He asked, smiling mischievously.

“You can do that? How do we get in?” I asked.

I honestly didn’t feel like breaking into the school on a Thursday evening just to take a quiz that I would most likely fail.

“Just come on.” He said, hopping out of the driver’s side door.

I got out quickly and jogged a little to catch up to him.

“I’m scared, don’t walk so fast.” I said, a shiver running up my spine.

I had never done anything remotely “wrong” before. Everyone in my life had always been so hard on me that I tried my best to do everything, including breathing, in a perfect way.

At 7 my mom taught me how to wash and fold my own laundry. If I got careless and did a sloppy job, mom would take everything out of that drawer and make me do it again until it was done properly. My entire image was built on doing the right thing all the time.

“You walk too slow. Don’t be scared, soccer practice is at 6 on Thursdays. The doors are literally wide open. If anyone stops us, I will handle it.” He said, stopping for a minute and grabbing my hand.

My heart rate sped up by at least 40 and my heart pounded hard in my chest. He was really holding my hand. Well, okay, not really holding my hand. He was dragging me by my hand. But this was the closest I had ever gotten to another human being since I was a small child and I was secretly elated.

We walked right through the main entrance of the school and took an immediate right.

“Here, take this key and open the door. I’m going to scout the hallway out to make sure there isn’t anyone around.” He said, fishing a singular key from his pocket and putting it in my hand.

I didn’t want him to stop holding my hand but also didn’t want to be a complete freak to someone being nice enough to help me. So, I let go and took the key. He pointed at the door behind me and put a finger up to his lips.

“Shh…I’ll be right back.” He said, darting up the hallway until I couldn’t see him anymore.

I turned to the door and slid the key into the lock, there was a little resistance but eventually I unlocked it and slid inside. I left it slightly ajar for Eric to get in and moved to the far corner of the room.

I looked around and realized where I had just broken into. The administrations office. My heart skipped a beat, I wasn’t going to literally take a quiz as I had thought before. We were going to give me a grade for a quiz I didn’t take to begin with. Well, he was going to give me a grade. I didn’t even know how to get past the administration office computers home screen. I was once in this room waiting for my dad to pick me up, and when the secretary stepped out of the room I hit a bunch of keys on the keyboard, that prompted a login screen for the administrators of the school to log in with. Scared that I had done something wrong, at the time, I just took a seat and waited for her to return.

I looked around the room, willing my eyes to adjust to the darkness. The windows were darkened by thick window blinds and heavy navy-blue curtains over them. Despite it being almost sunset, the room was almost pitch black, except for a slight glow from the window that shed an orange streak over the left wall of the room and a couple of small green blinking lights from the computers. It gave a very dark aesthetic, almost haunting. The computers were arranged onto four business type desks, which joined each other into an awkward rectangle in the middle of the room.

“It’s just me.” Eric said as he slipped into the door and closed it gently behind him.

He peeked out of the window of the door once more before locking it. He gently nudged one of the desks away from the group in the middle until it broke free of it’s formation.

“Come here.” He said, calling me over to the corner of the room beside the door.

I quickly joined him across the room and crouched with him on the floor. He pulled at the leg of the desk and it scooted closer to us, gliding silently across the soft carpeting of the floor.

“This is so f*cking scary, Eric.” I said, my knees shaking beneath me.

“I thought it was a nice gesture.” He whispered back to me.

He patted me on the back jokingly and goosebumps formed rapidly up my arms. With a series of keystrokes, he booted the computer up to a black and white screen, with a blinking cursor.

“What’s that?” I asked nervously, scooting closer to him so I could see what he was doing.

“It’s a DOS prompt. I don’t know the administration IDs yet, so I’m just going to go around them.” He replied, as if it were something as simple as ABC.

My eyes finally had started to adjust to the darkness, and I watched his face, lit by the glow of the monitor, as his fingers worked quickly across the keyboard in his lap. His brows furrowed in determination each time he typed something, until finally he arrived at an almost blindingly blank spreadsheet. The reflection of the screen cast across his eyes.

“Mrs. K updates her grades every night around 6:30 before she leaves the school. So, we just wait until we start seeing other grades being put in and when she stops, we add yours. Your name is right here.” He said, pointing at ‘Alex Cutter’ in a rectangle on the screen.

We waited awkwardly for something on the screen to update. I tried to slow my breathing and concentrate on shoving my anxiety of this whole situation out of the way.

“What’s wrong?” Eric whispered, breaking the silence that hung heavy in the room.

“I’m anxious.” I said, letting a deep breath out and then holding it.

“Hi Anxious, I’m Eric.” He said menacingly.

I covered my mouth to stifle my laughter.

“You’re so goofy.” I whispered.

“And you’re so pretty.” He whispered back to me, averting his eyes back to the screen.

“Don’t say that.” I said, my hushed voice even lower than before.

“Why? It’s true.” He said, this time I could feel him staring directly at me.

I lowered my head and looked down at the floor between my knees, pretending to examine the carpeting.

“Don’t ignore me, please.” He said, his voice no longer a whisper.

“I’m not, I just don’t know what to say.” I said, glancing back up at him.

“You can tell me I’m pretty or say thank you.”

I covered my mouth with both hands and tried not to laugh.

“Stoooopppp.” I said, shoving him playfully.

“Well, am I not?” He said, batting his eyelashes.

“You are, for a boy.” I joked.

A look of concern washed over his face.

“Oh no, you’re not gay, are you?” He asked, leaning in closer to me.

“Oh, no, that’s not what I meant, not at all.” I said, trying not to laugh still.

“Phew” He said as he pretended to wipe sweat from his forehead, “Thank goodness, I would have hated to realize I am basically committing a felony for someone who will never find me as charming as I really am.”

“Look, there she goes.” I said, interrupting our banter.

“It’s about time.” He said, smiling brightly as he rubbed his hands together “She usually doesn’t take long to enter everything.”

“You’ve done this before?” I asked, my heart sinking a little.

“Not for a girl, no. I do it for V sometimes. I’m always covering his ass.” He replied.

“Who’s that?” I asked, thinking on how odd it sounded.

“Vodka. Dylan. He’s my friend. He sits beside me in almost every class. You should know this.” He said, seeming slightly offended.

“I don’t pay attention to other people. I try not to. In case you didn’t already know this.” I said, trying not to sound like a complete loser.

I watched the spreadsheet on the screen in front of us start filling with numbers.

“Well, I’ve been paying attention to you.” He said, breaking my concentration.

“And that’s not creepy at all.” I questioned, co*cking my head to the side.

“I’m serious. I mean, I’m not a stalker or anything, but I’ve been keeping an eye on you. I tried putting a note in your locker a few weeks ago but I guess I literally have to show up at your job and kidnap you for you to notice me.” He replied, his voice getting lower.

All joking that lingered in the air dispersed for a moment. A pang of hurt striking hard through my chest. I genuinely felt bad, he thinks I ignore him on purpose.

“I don’t use my locker. I used to share it with a friend, and we haven’t talked since the first week of school, so I don’t use it.” I said, hoping to offer some type of an explanation.

I couldn’t read the look on his face for a moment and felt a rush of panic flood through my body. I was getting that feeling like I wanted to run, again. Like I NEEDED to run.

“Really? You wouldn’t happen to be lying to me, would you?” He asked, setting the keyboard down on to the floor beside of us.

I shook my head with a vigorous ‘No’. I was being completely honest and was never one to lie. But the way he had asked me was if he was attempting to rip the honesty from my entire soul. I liked being honest with him, but the way he stayed so collected about it terrified me.

He leaned in closer to me for moment.

“I don’t lie, I don’t like to.” I said, watching him lean towards me.

“Why not?” He asked, taking my hand in his.

“I don’t have anything to hide, really, I guess.” I said squeezing my hand into his.

“What’s your deepest, darkest secret then? Everyone has one.”

The question hung in the air as I moved my face closer to his and leaned into him. Our lips brushing against each other, I took a deep breath in and pressed mine into his. For a few seconds, my mind was blank. I thought of absolutely nothing. I felt his other hand move up to my knee and then to my thigh. If my brain had been a quiet room, him touching my leg would have been a textbook slapping against the floor and shattering the silence.

“Wait, what am I doing?!” I exclaimed, panicked.

“What’s wrong? Am I doing something wrong?” He asked as he jerked his hand away from my thigh, his voice no longer a whisper.

“No, no, it’s not you. What am I doing? I just met you yesterday, you come to my work and I leave with you and now we’re kissing in the administration’s office. I don’t understand what the f*ck I am doing right now.” I rambled on.

Just then, a noise came from behind us, voices outside of or close to the office door. Eric took his flannel button up off and tossed it over the brightness of the monitor and covered my mouth with his hand.

“Shhh…don’t move.” He whispered, watching behind me at the door.

If I had to be completely honest with myself, and I usually am, his hand over my mouth was thrilling. More so than when it was climbing the outside of my thigh.

I could hear low chattering a few feet away from us, and it was getting slightly louder. I could hear the clock on the wall ticking the seconds away as the voices grew closer. My heart was pounding into my ears as I focused on the sound. My eyes grew wide with fear and I looked at Eric, who seemed to be concentrating hard on the door.

After what felt like an eternity, the voices started to fade away.

“It was just people walking by, it’s almost 7. I should probably wrap this up and we get the f*ck out of here.” He said, dropping his hand from my face.

Oh, of course, I was so focused on everything else I had forgotten exactly what we had even come here for. I choked my thudding heart beat down and cleared my throat softly. My legs were starting to fall asleep, so I slid them out from under me and scooted back, to give Eric space to work. All movement on the screen had ceased way before he picked up where we had left off, waiting for Mrs. Kelley to finish entering grades for the quiz.

“I’m going to give you a B- for this one. Because an A or above will make it seem obvious. She trashes most of the papers we submit for the essay part of pop quizzes anyway, so it’s not like she will remember.” He said, editing the blank rectangle next to my name on the screen.

“I really appreciate this, Eric. Thank you.” I said, rubbing his arm for a moment.

“And we save, and now we are done. No prob, but don’t skip anymore important days.” He replied, pretending to wag his finger at me.

I smiled weakly; it was easier said then done. I honestly was thankful he had done this for me. If he hadn’t, I would have had a lot to explain to my parents when my normal B average dropped to a flat C after missing two important tests in one semester. Holding a B wasn’t spectacular or anything, but since I had started working my parents had relaxed a bit on my grades. As long as my average wasn’t below a B- I was in the clear.

“We should go.” I said, reluctantly.

He nodded and stood up to scoot the desk back in to place and then stood beside the window of the door. He peered down the hallway as I stood behind him.

“Clear, hold my hand and we can make a clean get away.” He said, reaching back to grab my hand.

Unlocking the door and opening it at almost the same time, he darted from inside of the office and out into the hallway, with me in tow. It wasn’t far away from the main entrance and I kept up speed with him until we hit the parking lot.

“That was insane.” I said as we jogged up to his car.

“All in a day’s work.” He grinned, dropping my hand and opening the passenger side door.

“Well thank you, Eric. How gentlemanly of you.” I said, taking a seat inside.

He clambered into the driver’s seat and put the key into the ignition.

“Oh no, Alex…do you still have that key?” He asked, bringing his hands up to check his pockets.

My heart stopped and crawled up into my throat.

“Oh, f*ck me, I left it lay on the corner of the desk when I went in.” I said, covering my eyes.

He sat still for a moment and then started laughing, hard.

“They are going to have a hell of a time trying to get in there in the morning.” He said, patting me on the shoulder and shaking it a little.

“Oh God.” I said, erupting into laughter myself.

“I’m sorry, I’m not the best partner in crime.” I said, taking a deep breath as embarrassment flashed across my face.

“Ah, it’s okay. I mean, I would have liked to have put it back where I had found it, but it’s not like anyone knew I had taken it to begin with.” He said, shrugging.

“True. Are you sure my f*ck up won’t end up getting you in trouble?” I asked, giving a faux puppy dog frown.

“Well, if it does, f*ck it. But I highly doubt it. I have a way with words.” He grinned, raising an eyebrow at me.

I became suddenly self-conscious. I really hoped that the one person who had done something extraordinarily good for me didn’t have to pay retribution for it.

“Hey, don’t sweat it, let’s get you to your car.” He said, nudging me.

***
“Unfortunately, here we are.” Eric said, pulling back into the parking lot of King Soopers.

“Yeah.” I sighed, “Time for me to go home I guess.”

He didn’t say anything for a minute, just looked down at his hands pretending to pick at a hangnail.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, shifting towards him in my seat.

“Are you going to actually be in class tomorrow?” He asked, still not making eye contact with me.

“Of course, you saved my ass today. I don’t want all that effort to go to waste.” I offered.

“Do you want to sit with me tomorrow? At lunch and then for Kelly’s class?”

I tried not to grin from ear to ear, but it was hard to control.

“Of course, if you would want me to.” I said, hiding my elation.

“I can make Vodka sit on the other side of you. He won’t mind.” He said, finally looking at me.

“It’s a date.” I stammered, “or not. You know what I meant.”

“Well,” He said stretching back over his seat, “technically this was our first date.”

“I wouldn’t know honestly. I’ve never been on one.” I said, a little hesitant to share that bit of information.

“Really? Well, I think next time I might have to show you what happens on a real date then.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Harris.” I said, opening the car door and letting myself out.

I heard him laugh to himself as I turned around towards the car again and leaned into the window.

“About 11, meet me outside of the commons. I’ll be around the stairs near the auditorium.” He said.

“Promise?” I asked, hoping that he didn’t forget about me or change his mind by tomorrow.

“I promise. Come over to my side for a minute.” He said, wiggling his finger in a come here motion.

Once again, my heart grew heavy in my chest as I rounded the car to his side and leaned into the window. His hand slid up the side of my face, past my ear and into my hair as he pulled me forward and pressed his lips to mine.

“Don’t forget me.” He said, pulling his lips from mine and pressing his forehead against mine.

“Trust me, I won’t.” I said, rubbing my forehead against his.

“Do you want my number?” I asked, clearing my throat and trying to shake the fluff that was settling into my head.

“I have it,” He replied, tapping at his temple, “I can get into any school record, remember?”

“Once again, that’s creepy.” I retorted.

I stared at him for a moment, until I felt cold rain splatting down across my shoulders.

“Oh, f*ck me,” I said, running towards my car.

The rain fell in thick globs by the time I had gotten into my own car. I quickly started it and turned the heat on full blast. I looked to the left of me and Eric waved me away, as if to say, “Go first”. I rubbed my shoulders to mimic being cold and he rolled his eyes at me and then tapped his watch on his wrist. I laughed and put my car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot. Eric followed me all the way up to Reed street and honked his horn before turning into a driveway. I assumed it was his own. I honked back and drove up another block and took a right. Within seconds I pulled into my own driveway.

My parents’ cars were in the driveway and I could tell that the living room light was on. Either my parents were spending time with each other or they were waiting for me to come in. Neither of those two sounded very comfortable for me.

I rushed into the house.

“How was work?” My father called from the living room.

“It was great dad; I’m going to go shower and get to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow, I’ll see you at breakfast.” I called to him, silently praying he wasn’t trying to catch me in a lie.

“Okay sweetie. Good night.” He mumbled.

“Good night Lex, I put your laundry outside of your door.” My mom called to me, as I ran up the carpeted stairs and into my room.

Something was off, but I was truly too ecstatic to even care at that moment. This had been one of the best days I have had in a while.

Possibly in my entire life.

Chapter 5: Chapter 5: "Did you love me only in my head?"

Chapter Text

I could hardly see where I was, but I could feel dampness on my arms and hands. I rubbed my eyes, forcing them to focus on my surroundings. Lights twinkled from the walls around me, around tons of flat screen monitors with strange codes streaming across them. I approached one and touched it, attempting to figure out what the letters and numbers meant. It reacted to my touch, bringing me to another screen. How odd.

I stepped back and scanned the room. Ivy and shades of bright green moss covered the walls around me, betwixt the screens. The only light, aside from the monitors, was coming for a glassless window to my right. I approached it, and noticed the light was coming from an enormously bright full moon reflecting off an almost pitch-black foreground of ocean water. Stretching my arms out in front of me, I watched the moon beams dance across my skin. A shadow moves across the wall beside me, startling me.
“Why are you here?” I hear a familiar voice whisper.

I spin around, and shadows scatter like roaches when a light is turned on. They seem to be hiding from me, flocking to the furthest dark corner of the room.

“Tell me why you’re here.” The voice says again.

My stomach churns and twists into itself. There’s something so familiar in the voice, and although it demands an answer I can’t reply. I slowly walk from the window and towards the corner. A hand reaches out of the darkness towards me and I hold my hand out towards it. The long fingers elope through my own and pulls me into the darkness. It’s almost suffocating. I hear screams and fireworks echoing behind me as I’m pulled at what feels like light speed through the darkness. I feel myself being pulled upwards, like I’m a shooting star, falling in reverse back into space after crashing through the atmosphere.

“You’re not supposed to be here. You’re ruining everything.” I hear the voice again, this time it’s so loud it vibrates through my chest.
My feet finally hit a solid surface and I’m knocked to the ground. My hands grip sand, and I push myself to my feet. I turn and the sky is filled with streams of light and then a loud BOOM follows each one.

“Flares.” I say to myself, trying to collect my bearings, “Someone needs help.”

The brush in front of me rustles.

“Who’s there?” I call, recoiling in fear.

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s just me.” Eric says, stepping out of the thicket of weeds and trees.

“Where are we? I’m so scared.” I say, running to him.

“It’s okay. I’m here.” He says, pulling me into his arms.

I bury my face into his shoulder as a loud horn starts to blare. I can’t quite place the sound, it’s the sort of siren you would hear in a movie about Tornados. He covers my ears with both of his hands, and I close my eyes tightly.

“LEXI, baby, wake up. You’re going to be late!”

My eyes shoot open suddenly. The sun is coming straight through my curtains and shining across my face.

“I’m up, mom.” I say, my heart now thumping in my chest.

“You’ve slept through your alarm for fifteen minutes now, you’re going to have to skip breakfast.” Mom replies, walking across my room to pull my curtains shut.

“I had trouble sleeping last night.” I mumbled, sitting up in bed.

“I know, I went to the bathroom last night and seen your light was still on at 3 this morning.”

She offers a weak smile and smooths her hand across the blanket on my bed.

“Yeah. I had a lot on my mind, I guess.” I lied.

The truth was, I was up late writing 8 pages in my journal about my time with Eric. I had felt so great yesterday evening when I got home that I didn’t want to go to sleep and spoil it. Or maybe I subconsciously felt like it was all a dream, and if I laid down, I would wake up into my unhappiness from the days before him.

“I have to get dressed Mom.” I said, shaking the thoughts from my head.

She nodded and left my room, pulling the door closed behind her. I grabbed a pair of jeans, socks, underwear and a sweater from my top dresser drawer.

“I’m leaving for work Lex!” I heard my mom call from the hallway.

“Okay! I love you; I’ll see you tonight!” I called back.

I pulled into the parking lot at school and turned the engine off. I was so nervous to see Eric before class started that my hands were shaking. I pulled the keys out of the switch and shoved them into my bag. I scanned the parking lot and entrance, out of habit.

My main goal every morning was to get inside and avoid Nicole Zears as much as possible. It’s not that I was afraid of her, physically. And it’s not that I was really intimidated, she was by far uglier and stranger than I was. It was just hearing someone speak what always went through my head, scrolling marquee style, really hurt.

I approached the doors and headed upstairs to my locker. I still had 15 minutes until the bell rang. I grabbed the books I needed and shoved my purse into my locker. I turn around to head towards the cafeteria and my eyes meet with Nicole, from across the hall. I quickly avert my eyes to the floor and loop my thumbs around the straps of my backpack and pull them together across my chest, trying to release anxious tension. I try to ignore her and get by as quickly as possible, but I can feel her staring at the back of my head.

“It would be nice if SOME people in this school cared about their appearance!” She shouted from behind me.

I could hear her footsteps getting louder and closer. I paid close attention to my pace and steps. There was no way in hell I was letting this bitch get a rise out of me today. I have too much to look forward to. I was starting to get irrationally angry about the whole situation. It felt like lava was heating up in my stomach and trying to force itself out of my mouth, for one grand eruption.
I started down the staircase that led to the cafeteria.
“f*ckING MOVE!” She yelled, shoving her way past me and pushing her weight onto me.

“Jesus CHRIST NICOLE! FOR ONE f*ckING DAY COULD YOU NOT TOUCH ME?! WHY ARE YOU SO f*ckING OBSESSED WITH ME?!” I screamed, pushing back and blocking her path.

For a second, I saw pure hatred cover her entire face. She stood a good six or seven inches taller than I did, and was twice as bulky, but today I honestly didn’t give a flying f*ck.

She tried to force herself past me, but I locked my hand on to the railing and wouldn’t let her through. I wanted a god damned answer. A reason as to why she had to build her entire day around tormenting me. She backed up for a second and I could tell she was surprised.
“So, what is it, huh?! What the f*ck is your piss poor excuse for targeting me? Do you want to be me or f*ck me, I really can’t tell after 4 years of this bullsh*t!” I shouted, inching closer to her as my fury boiled over.

“You’re f*cking crazy, move your arm you dumb bitch.” She retorted, through gritted teeth.

“HEY HEY HEY, what’s going on here?”

I recognized the voice as Eric’s. He ran up beside me, but I was locked into a stare with Nicole and wouldn’t budge.

“I want an answer Nicole.” I said, my rage finally settling into the eye of the storm.

“Come on Alex, let’s go. I’ve been waiting on you for ten minutes now.” Eric said, grabbing my free hand.

I glared at Nicole and let my arm drop. She pushed past us making a noise that was somewhere between a snarl and a whimper. I stood, still turned away from Eric, slightly embarrassed yet still really angry.

“Well…” He said, his voice trailing off.

I sat down on the stairs and put my head in my hands. In that moment I really felt like I blew it. I had acted crazy not only in front of the entire school but the only boy that had talked to me in the 4 years I had been here.

“That was f*cking hilarious! Did you see her face?!” Eric laughed.

“What?” I asked, looking up at him.

“She really looked like she was going to cry!”

His laughter was contagious and made me start laughing at myself instead of feeling ashamed. The more we laughed the less embarrassed I was of my own anger.

“It was funny…but super embarrassing. I don’t know why I acted like that.” I said, when the laughter finally calmed.

“Well, probably because you’re sick of her sh*t day in and day out. I would have done the same thing.” He said, a tinge of anger in his own voice.

“True. But I don’t like getting mad like that. It makes me feel like,” I said, trailing off.

“Like you could rip someone’s head off and stomp it down their throat?” He said, raising an eyebrow.

“Not so much. More like, white trash.” I said, laughing.

That was a lie though. For the most part. I often couldn’t control my thoughts when I got angry. I had written, dreamed, and thought of ten thousand ways to kill Nicole in the past four years. I would dream for weeks straight about fighting her and wake up feeling defeated yet angry at the world.

“I think it’s hot.” He said, almost a whisper.

“White trash is hot?” I joked and rolled my eyes.

“No, retard. You when you’re angry. Anger all together. But most definitely you when you’re angry. It strips away all the fear you have.”
My eyes met his when I looked over at him, and he leaned closer to me, our lips meeting in the middle. His hand slid up under my sweater and to my back.

“Oh, you don’t have a bra on under here.” He giggled into my ear.

“I was running late.” I laughed, pushing his hands down.

“Get a room!” I heard someone call behind us.

I turned to look. It was a tall boy, wearing an Australian duster type jacket, boots, a hat turned backwards, and sunglasses. The boy took two large steps, skipping two at a time and stopped beside of us.

“You’re just jealous V.” Eric laughed, grabbing at one of the boy’s long legs.

“Jealous? Of your stalking victim? You wish.” He replied, sitting down on the step below us.

“Alex, this is Dylan. Vodka. V. Whatever. You know who he is. From class.” Eric said, attempting to formally introduce us.

“I’m in almost all of your classes.” Dylan followed, reaching his hand out.

“I know.” I smiled, shaking his hand goofily.

“Okay that’s enough, let’s get the f*ck out of the stairwell before we run into anymore assholes today.” Eric said, grabbing my hand away from Dylan’s.

I could see Dylan roll his eyes and push his sunglasses up on his nose as he stood up. He was at least a foot taller than I was, and that was with me standing on the stair about him. He was one of the first people I noticed when I started school here as a freshman, solely because of his height. Even in class sitting at our desks or tables, he was very noticeable.

Eric walked me to my first class. For a moment I didn’t want to leave him. Not even for the 50 minutes we had separate classes.
“I hate leaving you.” He said, confirming that the feeling was mutual.

“Let’s run, now.” I replied, jokingly.

“Boy, do I wish. Monday through Wednesday I’m not here at school until 7:15 because of bowling. So, on Monday I want you to wait for me in the senior parking lot until I get here, so I can spend every single moment possible with you.” He said, putting his hands at my hips.

I nodded and pressed my forehead against his. This is where I wanted to be, forever. Anywhere close to him. In a matter of 24 hours my entire life had changed.

“Well, I don’t know,” I joked, “I don’t usually like my friends to be completely up my ass all day.”

“Friends?” He scoffed, feigning shock.

“Yeah, you know, I just officially met you yesterday.” I said smiling.

“Well,” He said clearing his throat, “I’ll have to make sure I officially make us more than friends. And very soon.”

“Why not right now?” I asked, honestly puzzled.

Had I gone too far already? Did he not want to date me? Maybe I should pull back. I really like him too much and I don’t want to seem foolish. The thought raced through my head, by the look on his face he could tell what I was thinking.

“Don’t think like that.” He said, cupping my face in his hands, “I want to do something special. I want everything to be perfect, okay?”
I nodded and gave a half smile.

“Stop,” He said, tapping my forehead between my eyes.

“I’m okay, I promise.” I said, half lying.

“No, you’re not. Don’t think on it too much. And don’t lie to me. Even over small things.” He said, seemingly frustrated.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I just…” I started.

“Don’t be. You ARE mine. I wanted you and I went to great lengths to get your attention. Get in to class and we can talk about this later this evening. I’ll meet you back here at 9:20.” He Said, his voice becoming more serious.

“Okay Eric.” I said, hugging him one last time before turning and going into class.

He stood outside of the door until I took a seat. I offered a small wave and he returned it before walking away.

Chapter 6: Chapter 6: "There were things you said and did to me, they seem to come so easily."

Chapter Text

The day had gone by quickly. I felt good that Eric was waiting for me outside of each class or sitting beside of me during. It was nice to have a change of pace, and I enjoyed being around him, no matter how many people stared or glared at me while it was happening. But, no matter how thrilled I was to be thrown into this wind tunnel of puppy love, I truly felt it was still a trick of some sort or a gesture I wasn't deserving of and even more so I was perplexed as to why he didn’t ask me out officially. I know it had only been a day or so, but why bother if we were going to be perpetual friends.

That evening Eric had followed me home and stopped to talk for a few moments before heading to his own house, and without my parents being home, I was alone with my own thoughts for the rest of the day. I was honestly thrilled with the thought of someone actually liking me and wanting to be with me, but the darkness that constantly clouded my mind told me I shouldn't be.

I sat up in bed, leaning back against my mound of pillows behind me, with my journal propped onto my knee.

Why are you so f*cking untrusting? You’re going to let one single bully ruin the first good thing to happen to you? There is literally nothing wrong with him, there are no secret motives, there are no consequences. Trust your gut for once and just…let….go!

It was easier to write than to do, of course.

I sat my notebook down on my nightstand and laid looking at the ceiling for a moment before turning my light off. Just as I closed my eyes, a vibration on my nightstand startled my eyes open. It was my work pager. At 11:27 pm. I picked it up and read the number.

‘303-972-1105’

I didn’t recognize the number, and rarely got paged this late for work, so I sat it back down. I attempted to ignore the vibrations and pulled the cover up over my head. My eyes started to get heavy around the second time it started going off, so I grabbed it and shoved it under my pillow. Whatever it was I would deal with it tomorrow.

I was startled awake by something. My heart rate was rapid, and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, my eyes shot open. I looked over at the digital clock, it’s green light filling one corner of my room.

’12:27’

I laid still, waiting for whatever had awoken me. Staring into the darkness, a noise came from my window. For a minute, I couldn’t quite process what it was. I pushed the covers down and slowly walked over to the window. I slowly pulled back the curtains and seen nothing. Any other time, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to open the window, but tonight I was more tired and therefore braver than usual. I unlocked the window and slid it open.

“Hey!” I heard a hushed voice say.

I looked down into my backyard and there stood Eric. The tenseness and apprehension I had felt just seconds ago dissolved.

“Oh my God, Eric. What are you doing? It’s past midnight.” I said, leaning over the windowsill.

“Can I come up?” He asked, his voice just barely above a whisper.

I leaned further out the window to check and see if my parents had made it home yet. I see both cars parked in the driveway with the outside garage light turned off, which meant they had come home and went to sleep.

“Yeah, but I don’t know how...”

“One second.” He said, as he disappeared beneath the veranda on the first floor of my house.

A moment later he popped up on to the small roof that was in front of my bedroom window. Grinning from ear to ear, he gently walked over to the windowsill.

“Hi there.”

“Hey there yourself. That’s some impressive climbing.” I reply, stifling a yawn.

“Did I wake you up?” He asked, co*cking his head to the side.

“No, I was just orchestrating a bank robbery at almost 1 a.m.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I tried to page you, but you never called back.” He said, climbing into the window.

“Oh, I thought that was work beeping me. So, I hid the pager under my pillow.” I laughed, covering my mouth so I wouldn’t make much noise.

Eric looked around at the darkness of my room as I locked my bedroom door and crawled back into my bed. I kept the blankets pulled down but patted the other side of my bed, telling him to get in. I could see him smile, through the green light of my digital clock. I don’t know why, but I was strangely comfortable around him now. More so outside of school where people weren’t constantly monitoring everything we did.

“Don’t get any ideas.” I said, as he laid down on the bed and rolled towards me.

He rolled his eyes and slipped his shoes off, with a soft thud they hit the carpeting of my bedroom floor.

“I’m already in your bed on the second day of getting to know you.” He replied, raising an eyebrow at me.
“So, how did you get my pager number? We’re going to add that to the long list of creepy things Eric Harris does.” I whispered, rolling over on to my stomach but keeping my head turned towards him.

“I’m all knowing, I can find anything I want to if I try hard enough.” He whispered back.

“All knowing, huh? Like God himself?”

“Godlike, is more like it.” He replied, laughing under his breath.

“You’re so full of yourself.” I said, shaking my head.

“Sometimes, I guess.” He said softly.

For a moment we lay there, staring at each other in the dim green light. With him just being in bed beside of me, I had completely forgotten to ask why he was crawling through my window after midnight to begin with.

“So, what are you doing? Did you need something?” I asked, clearing my throat.

“I needed to see you. I had to play D.D. for Dylan tonight, but when I went home, I got lonely. I was hoping you’d call but I figured seeing you was the next best thing. I didn’t know if you would hear me, I was hoping I wouldn’t bust your window out by accident.”

“That’s really sweet. The seeing me part, not the window part.”

“Why not the window part? It worked in that one movie.” He said, raising an eyebrow.

“Say Anything?” I asked, half smiling.

“Yeah, that’s the one.” He said, rolling onto his back.

He put his arm under my head and pulled me closer to him. He smelled so good. Like CK One cologne and Irish Springs soap. I could have just buried my face into him and slept like a baby for two days straight.

“I could lay like this forever.” I said sleepily.

“I don’t think your parents would appreciate finding you curled up next to a stranger in the morning.” He laughed.

I leaned over and put my head on to his chest, my ear pressed to his shirt, searching for his heartbeat.

“What are you doing?” He asked, a little apprehensively.

“I’m listening to your heart.” I whispered.

“That’s so weird.” He laughed.

I could hear the vibration of his laughter in his chest. His heart started to beat faster as I laid there listening. A moment of silence befell the air.

“Why me?” I asked, turning my head to look at him.

“Why not you? What do you mean by that?”

“Why did you go through so much effort to talk to me? We have been in the same school for four years now, so why now?”

Eric let out a deep sigh and put his arm over his eyes. I felt like I was annoying him instantly, and I started to recoil emotionally.

“I feel like I don’t have a lot of time left. And you looked like you needed someone. I don’t mean that in a bad way, or in a pity way. I just felt” He paused, “Drawn to you I guess in some way.”

“Like I’m an easy target?” I asked, the words tumbling from my mouth before I could think them over.

“No, it’s not that at all. I’m not ‘targeting’ you. I like you. I really like you. I want to learn everything there is to learn about you.”

The weight in my chest lifts slightly. Maybe I can trust his intentions, maybe he genuinely likes me. I wish my mind weren’t constantly at war with itself.

“So, how long have you wanted to talk to me?” I asked hesitantly.

“A while, probably since the beginning of junior year. You know how we do that stupid thing in Mrs. K’s class, the one where we trade off papers for someone else to read and then grade?” He said, sitting up in bed.

I nodded in response and leaned my head on to his legs, looking up at him.

“I get your stories a lot. More than I get anyone else’s. I started to look forward to reading what you were writing. The first one I got was about a dream you had, and I have this one reoccurring dream that’s almost the same as what you wrote about. I know this sounds f*cking stupid, but I thought that was the universe giving me a sign.” He said, stroking my hair that laid across his lap.

I tried my best to hide the smile on my face. I was really flattered, despite my brain screaming at me to not believe a word anyone tells me. If my brain was a web, then any words that Eric said to me was the insect to be caught inside of it.

“Which dream was it?” I asked.

“The one that starts off in the room covered in vines with the super high-tech computer monitors all over the walls.”

For a moment I was in shock. This dream had been one I had many nights, and in the past couple days since Eric had started talking to me, it usually ended with me finding him once I made it to dry land. I rationed with myself that it was pure coincidence.

“How does yours end? Your dream.” I asked, trying to hide my shock.

“Typical hero ending, you know. I save the girl, and then wake up. Or I burst and fly upwards into the sky like a shooting star. I feel weightless for a moment, and then wake up.”

For a moment we’re just staring at each other. He leans down and our lips meet.

“Wait, Eric, what do you mean you don’t feel like you have a lot of time left?” I ask, pulling back for a moment.

“I don’t know, really.”

The expression on his face told me he was lying, but was it really my place to poke and prod at him?

“Well, I hope you’re not dying or something.” I said.

“Oh, well I don’t have some incurable disease or anything like that.” He replied.

Things became awkward for me surprisingly fast, and I sat up in bed. Why would you go after someone romantically if you felt like you weren’t going to stick around?

“Look, Eric, if you’re just looking to f*ck then you honestly don’t have to try this hard. I’m not saying I’d sleep with you right here and now, but you don’t have to put yourself through all this trouble. Maybe we should talk about this another time.” I rambled on and on.

“I’m not doing this just because I want to get in your pants. I mean, I do, but I truly do like you for you. It’s just a feeling I have, I’ve had it for a long time, it’s not serious.” He said cutting me off mid-sentence “But if you want me to go then I will. I’m sorry. Maybe I rush into things so quickly because I feel like if I don’t then that gives people too much time to think and change their mind about me. I feel like I feel things differently and more than everyone else I’ve met. Once again, I’m sorry Alex, I can give you space if that’s what you need.”

“I don’t know what I need. I’m sorry.” I said, looking down at my hands.

He stood up from the bed and put his shoes back on as quietly as he took them off. He didn’t seem angry at me, even though I felt as if he should be. I didn’t want him to leave but maybe I should take some time and think about what I want and try to sort my own thoughts out before I get swept away by physical attraction to someone I didn’t really even know.

“No, don’t be. I understand. Could you at least give me a chance at taking you out on a real date tomorrow night?” He asked, cupping my face in his hands.

I nodded and smiled up at him. I would try my absolute best to sort through my own thoughts tomorrow and get myself together mentally and then after we have our first “official” date I could figure out what I expected from a relationship. I never was good at unpredictable things, especially concerning other humans’ emotions and intentions. Sometimes I felt like a robot who was programmed only to worry and not trust anyone.

“And then if you can’t just take this for what it is, which is me wanting to be with you with no secretive motive, then you don’t have to see me ever again. But I want to give you, and myself, something normal and meaningful.” He said, taking his hands from my face.

I sat on my bed feeling the most undecided than I ever had in my short life and refusing to watch him leave my room. I had roughly 16 hours to decide if I was going to abandon my habit of obsessing over every detail and my mistrust and live a normal teenage life. As I curled back up into bed, I prayed I could do exactly that. I wanted love so badly, but my thoughts always gave me a reason to feel as if I didn’t deserve it, yet here I am with someone offering it to me on a silver platter and I’m not taking it.

Chapter 7: Chapter 7: "The love I thought I won, you give for free."

Chapter Text

I had slept through most of Saturday and woken up around 3 pm. I had forgotten to even set an alarm the night before, with the events that had unfolded but awoke when my mother knocked on the door of my bedroom.

“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! Are you going to sleep all day Lex?” She asked, unusually chipper.

“No, I’m just really tired today mom. I was up late.” I replied, pulling the comforter over my head.

“How so? I seen your bedroom light go off around 11 last night when I got up to use the bathroom? You should stop sleeping with your radio on, I don’t know what you were listening to, but it sounded like someone was having a conversation in there when I woke up the last time. That type of stuff has to be terrible for your REM sleep stage.” She said, sitting down at the foot of my bed.

My eyes widened and if she could have seen my face, she would be able to tell I was hiding something. I stayed still under the blanket, thinking for a moment. Was she baiting me in to admitting that I had someone in my room? Did she already know and was just giving me an open to admit it and deal with the least amount of consequences now instead of waiting until later and coming off as a liar? Surely, she wouldn’t be this happy if she were trying to catch me in a lie.

“Yeah, that’s probably why. I have to have noise on to sleep though.” I lied, hoping that was the right answer at the time.

“You’ve always been like that since you were a baby. Okay well do you have any plans this evening? Your father and I may go out with Mr. and Mrs. Banks. Maybe to Outback if you want to join us.” She said.

I could tell she really didn’t want me to go and was just offering to be cordial. I never wanted to play fifth wheel with my parents and the other couples they went out to eat with. Thank God I already had plans, maybe she wouldn’t feel so badly by me turning her down if she knew I was going to be busy.

“No Momma, I have a date.” I said, pulling my blanket down and peering out at her.

Her eyes instantly lit up. Oh no, I probably just made a huge mistake. It was one thing to be confused on dating Eric myself, but feedback from my bumbling parents wasn’t really what I was prepared for at this very moment, especially not my mother’s feedback.

“Oh, my Goodness baby, why didn’t you tell us you had a boyfriend?” She exclaimed.

“Oh mom! He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a boy I started talking to the other day.” I said, trying to sound casual.

“You started the conversation with him? Oh, you’re growing up on me. I don’t want to sound rude and I know it’s a touchy subject, but you deserve a night out Alexis. You haven’t even gone to a movie since you and Bailey stopped hanging out.” She said, offering a weak but faux smile.

“I know. I think it may be good for me to get out, even if I decide I don’t want to date just yet.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to date just yet? You’re a senior now Lex, a lot of your peers have been dating people for over 4 years now. Is he an odd one? Or scary? He’s not forcing you to go with him, is he?!” She said, her voice rising in pitch towards the end.

“Oh, no, most definitely not. I mean, he tries hard but not in an aggressive way. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain I guess, Mom.” I said, shaking my head.

“Good. Good. I was worried there for a second.” She replied, pausing for a moment, “Do you need any help getting ready? What time is it going to be? We are meeting the Banks’ at 7:30.”

I thought about it for a moment and although I appreciated the offer of helping me get ready for my very first date, I declined. I think I saw a wave of relief wash over my mother’s face, but she also could have been disappointed. Depression had warped my senses enough to where I couldn’t read people properly for a very long time now. It was a constant battle of what my depression thought they meant and what they truly could have meant, and what I rationally thought they meant.

“Well, that’s completely okay sweetie. I know you’re almost 18 now and some things you must do for yourself. If you need anything formal you can look in my walk-in if you’d like.” She said, standing up and smoothing a wrinkle in her pants.

“Okay mom, thank you for understanding. I don’t know if I will, I don’t want to seem overdressed. He will be here to pick me up at 8, although I’m not sure where we are going.” I said, picking at a hang nail on my index finger.

“You can never be over dressed or a date. I mean unless you wear an elephant costume or a prom dress.” Mom said, laughing a little.
“Perfect, I’ll dress like an elephant attending prom then.” I joked.

“Too bad we won’t be here to meet him. Maybe if things go anywhere after tonight, you can bring him over for dinner one evening after school.” She suggested.

“I will let you know mom.” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“Honey, just give yourself a chance. Don’t be so tough on yourself. You, too, deserve love and personal affection.” She said, heading out of my bedroom.

I sat for a moment thinking on what my mother had said. I know that I over think my parent’s expectations frequently. And I know that I hold myself to much higher standards than they hold me to. But, if I strip away all my own imaginary standards that I attribute to my parents, I truly do deserve love. I do deserve personal attention and affection. My track record in making friends hasn’t been the greatest since I started middle school years and years ago, but I was an easy-going person and likable, when it concerned the right people. I just had a huge heart and gave bad friends way too many chances and it had chipped away at the big hunk of trust I held so close to me. At the core of everything that I constantly troubled myself with, was just plain old me. Not the friend who was a doormat and accepted blame for other’s behaviors. Not the person who took the fall when Bailey was caught with drugs. And surely not the outcasted depressed yet anxious person I appeared to be at school to avoid ever being a part of those situations again. It was just me, and I deserved love too.
After almost a full hour of pep talking myself and daydreaming out of my bedroom window, I decided it was time to start getting dressed. Eric had called while I was in the shower and spoke with my mother (and for a second, my father) for a few minutes. I was too embarrassed to ask about the conversation but hoped after speaking with them, he would still show up to pick me up.

Through careful consideration, and almost another full hour of tearing every single item of clothing from my dresser than I owned, I had decided to take my mother’s advice and look for something flattering in her closet instead of my own.

“What about this one?” My mother asked, holding up a slinky coffee colored skirt.

“Meh, what others do you have? I don’t want to have to wear panty hose.” I said, taking a seat at my mom’s vanity in her room.

“I have an A line skirt, black, that comes mid-thigh on me. So, it would probably run just slightly higher on you because it’s pleated. And I have a black one, that looks really chic but actually has…” She paused as she unbuttoned the buttons in the front of the skirt and showed it to me, “short pants underneath! It also has these really cute criss-cross suspender type things that hook inside of it.”

“Let me try the one with shorts under it and the suspenders. If it doesn’t make me look like a geek, I will wear it. That way I don’t have to worry about flashing anyone on accident.” I replied.

The skirt fit perfectly and matched well with the white baby doll top of my own I had paired with it. I stood in front of the mirror in my mom’s room, buttoning the 5 buttons that went up the front of the skirt. I turned one way and then to the other, the skirt flaring slightly around me.

“That’s gorgeous sweetie.” My father said, walking into the bedroom.

“Really dad? You think so?” I asked, hoping he wasn’t poking fun at me.

“Yes, I really think it suits you well. Black and white is a perfect color combination on you. It looks nice with your hair.” He added.

My father had spent years working in a factory that designed and manufactured men and women’s dress shirts, so he had studied clothing for quite some time.

“And as you know, Lexi, clothes always make...”

“The person, I know Dad. Thank you.” I said, cutting him off.

Although my first impression to Eric was probably at a moment, I had been completely oblivious to his existence on Earth, the first impression of myself on our (and my) very first date was something I could control. I enjoyed that. Being in control of my impact on others had been one of my greatest joys since I was a kid. You can tweak your image or personality billions of different ways and make so many impressions on people in your life and the thought of that was the most exhilarating thing to me. Although I always dressed casually at school, I took great pride in my appearance. I rarely dressed to attract unwanted attention to myself, but I dressed appropriately if say, someone considerably important would approach me. Clean crisp clothing was secretly my happy place.

“Mark, make sure you wear a dark tie this time. Last time you got rib sauce on your tie and it was all I could think of the entire evening.” My mom said, turning her attention to my father.

My father laughed and agreed with her. The usual tension I sensed between the two of them had all but faded, but that little interaction confirmed it for me. That was my cue to exit and let them get ready for their own evening out. I hugged and kissed both of my parents and offered them an early goodbye and good night and retreated to my room to finish getting myself ready.

While doing my makeup I caught myself daydreaming again. About Eric, mostly. But also, about my life after leaving high school. I didn’t like to fancy ideas that didn’t seem plausible so I often tried distracting myself from imaginary romantic themes with my actual goals and plans, yet tonight my mind would always circle back around to Eric. It was a half an hour until he was due to pick me up and I had pretty much all but made up my mind. In the last few minutes before 8 pm, I repeated the mantra my mother had told me earlier to myself. I deserved this. I deserved love and I deserved to give myself an honest chance. Nothing could go wrong to change my mind, as long as Eric showed up.

I was putting bobby pins into my hair when the doorbell rang. It was five minutes before 8. I smoothed the front of my skirt down and pulled the door open. Eric was dressed casually, in jeans and a t-shirt with a sweatshirt over top, I suddenly felt over dressed even though he looked great in anything he wore.

“WOW.” Eric exclaimed, as I swung the door open.

“Oh no, don’t say that. Does it look bad? I can change if it looks bad or if I’m overdressed.” I rambled on, suddenly very self-conscious.

“No, absolutely not! You look amazing Alexis. Just,” Eric paused, “Absolutely gorgeous.”

My face must have turned fourteen different shades of red. He entered the foyer and close the door behind him.

“You can’t see my butt when I turn around can you?” I joked, spinning halfway around in front of him.

“Boy do I f*cking wish. But no, you can’t” He said, raising as eyebrow at me.

I playfully slapped him on the arm, and he grabbed my arm, pulling me in to him. I didn’t hold back this time and curled my arms around him and squeezed.

“You’re in a very good mood tonight.” He said, resting his chin on my head as I squeeze him.

“I really am.” I said, smiling into his shoulder.

“Well, good, because we’re going to see a movie and then we’re going to meet up with Vodka to grab something to eat.” He paused for a second, I’m assuming waiting for me to say that those plans were okay.

“Sounds great to me, as long as I’m with you!” I replied, chipperly.

“Oh, thank God. I thought I was going to have to tell the poor bastard to leave when we got there.” He said jokingly.

“No, of course not. I like Dylan, he’s nice.”

“I’m nice too, you know.” He replied, feigning offense.

“That you are. Well, to me. I haven’t seen you around anyone else except for me or Dylan and teachers so far.” I said, grabbing my purse off the coat hanger beside the door.

He let out a loud laugh.

“Yeah, I’m a total psycho with everyone else except for you and V, I just stab people when I walk into the building and scream at them.” He joked.

“Like on Friends, when Rachel is dating Ben Stiller, and he’s secretly really mean to everyone and yells at Ross, but because no one else seen it nobody believe Ross.”

“Exactly like that.” He said, laughing even harder.

“You watch a lot of television and movies, I take it?” He said opening the door and motioning me to go first.

“No,” I laughed, “Not at all, I just remember a lot of things. It’s my superpower I guess.”

“I love movies. Especially ones with aliens and explosions.” He said, leading me to the car.

“I watch a lot of action movies with my Dad. It makes him feel like we’re bonding.” I said, “But I prefer horror. Even if the girls in scary movies are pretty dumb. I like being scared, sometimes.”

“For real?” He asked, opening the passenger side door for me to get in.

“Okay, let me correct myself. I like being scared of things I can control. I don’t like rollercoasters, but I like to drive fast.” I said, pausing and waiting for him to get in the car himself.

“I like movies that give me scary ideas because I can always walk away or turn it off if I get uncomfortable. It’s not like I would enjoy being murdered or something like that, but yeah I like to be scared sometimes.” I followed.

“So, would you be scared if you rode shotgun and someone else drove like, say, 100 mph?” He asked, hypothetically I’m guessing.

“It depends on how much I trust that person. I’m not afraid of death in general, but I’d prefer not to be mangled in a car accident. Unless, of course, I was driving myself and intended to smash into a tree or wall. I doubt I would crash into another vehicle on purpose though. If I wanted to die, I wouldn’t take others with me.”

Eric sat for a moment and then nodded his head in agreement before starting the car.

“That makes sense.” He said, driving a little and then turning on to South Wadsworth.

The theatre was about ten minutes from both of our houses. I had been there only two or three times, once with Bailey and a couple times with my parents. I buckled my seat belt as we turned on to West Bowles and watched out the window as we passed house after house. The sun had gone down around 7 pm today, but the sky wasn’t completely dark yet. Stars were twinkling between roofs of the houses we passed, placed into a sky of navy blue and deep purple near the mountains that seemed close to us, yet somehow still very far. It had been unseasonably warm lately, which usually meant a blizzard was on its way, but I was thankful that it was a nice 58 degrees out due to me wearing a skirt. Eric looked over at me and rolled the windows down.

“It’s a really beautiful night. And so warm.” I said, sticking my hand out the window and feeling the resistance of wind against it.

“Almost as beautiful as my date.” He flirted, taking my free hand in his and putting it on the shifter.

“Who would that be? Do I know her?” I joked.

“Nah, you wouldn’t know her, she doesn’t go to our school.” He laughed.

I smiled over at him.

“You’re so silly.” I said rolling my eyes.

He laughed and made a funny noise, mocking me which made me laugh even more.

When we arrived at the AMC theater a few different movies were playing. Virus, Varsity Blues, She’s All That, and one about a mysterious set of plane crashes called Free Fall. Secretly, I wanted to watch Varsity Blues, but Eric was so excited to see Virus that I didn’t have the heart to say otherwise.

He bought our tickets, even though I had offered to buy my own, and we made our way to the snack counter.

“I asked you out, so that means I pay for everything. I know you’re a ‘strong independent woman who don’t need no man’, but that’s the rules. I don’t make them.” He joked, shrugging.

“Oh, okay, as long as it’s the rules.” I laughed.

Honestly, I wasn’t used to dates. Or anyone, besides my father, buying me things or paying for activities. I chose gummy bears and Eric chose popcorn for us to share and Sno-Caps, although this theater served real food. But since we were meeting Dylan after the movie for food, it was pointless and probably rude to eat before we went to a restaurant.

Eric led me to our seats through the darkness of the theater. He chose two seats on the left side of the theater but towards the back and away from the other patrons. I was secretly thrilled.

The movie opened with a Russian research ship communicating with an orbiting space station while in the ocean. During the communications something struck the space station down and killed all inhabitants and then the ship in the ocean. It was exciting from the beginning and I was honestly glad I hadn’t chosen to watch Varsity Blues. Eric was really into it also, and that made me happy to see him entranced in something.

“Do you like the movie?” He asked, placing his hand across the arm rest and onto my thigh.

“Yeah, I really like Jamie Lee Curtis. She’s always such a bad ass in everything.” I said, glancing down at his hand on my leg and putting my hand over his to hold it.

While still staring at the screen he squeezed my leg. I glanced over at him, yet he didn’t look back at me. I watched his face closely, the light from the theater screen flashing across his dark eyes, his eyebrows furrowed and coming together in concentration as his hand broke free of mine and climbed my leg. In a spider like motion his fingers ran beneath the hem of my skirt, only then did he glance over at me.
“Is that okay?” Eric asked, his face softening for a moment.

I nodded and with a sly grin he returned his eyes to the screen. I tried my best to pay attention to the movie but when his hand found its way between my legs, I couldn’t concentrate on anything except for that feeling at that exact moment. I opened my legs slightly and watched Eric’s face for a reaction, yet his face was as still as cold steel. He ran his hand outside of the fabric of my panties, applying pressure as a small gasp escaped my lips. I straightened up in my seat and cleared my throat, becoming visibly anxious. I took a deep breath and he pulled the thin lace to the side and brushed his hand slightly over the front of me and then cupping the front slipped his middle finger in. My face grew hot and red and I pulled at the hem on my skirt, attempting to cover his hand.

:It’s okay” He said, leaning over to me, “It’s dark and everyone is at least 12 feet away from us.”

I bit my lip and nodded and placed my hands on the arm rests beside me. With the palm of his hand pressed against me, I relaxed slightly and let his fingers explore me. Occasionally he would stop, and just run his fingers along my leg slowly. By the last time he re-entered me, I closed my legs tightly together, sort of trapping his hand as he let out a low laugh. I couldn’t hold back any longer and I’m sure he could sense it because he moved his fingers faster inside of me and put pressure against me with his palm. I closed my eyes, and as someone on screen fired off a flare gun, I felt fireworks explode deep in my body as I came. I slid down into my seat as he pulled him hand out of my underwear. Mortified as my heart was pounding in between my legs and hard against my chest. Eric leaned over and put his arm around me, pulling me close to him.

“Thank God for action movies.” He whispered into my ear.

“Oh God…” I said, embarrassed and burying my face in his chest.

“Aww, dome here. Don’t be embarrassed Alex.” He laughed, pushing my hair back away from my eyes.

I made a fake whining noise at him and wrapped my arms around him, across the arm rest between our seats. I kept my face buried in him until the credits rolled and the crowd started pouring out.

“I hope no one seen that.” I said, standing up.

“I hope someone did.” Eric joked, nudging me.

“That was embarrassing.” I said firmly, but still smiling.

“But you liked it, right?” He asked, taking my hand and leading me out to the car.

“Oh, absolutely. We just probably shouldn’t do that sort of thing in public again.” I laughed.

Once again, he opened the door of the car for me and I got in. He hurried around quickly to the driver’s side and got in. It was starting to get chilly as the night went on and it had to have dropped at least 20 degrees in the two hours we had been inside of the theater.

“Where are we going now?” I asked.

“IHOP, it’s pretty much the only place open all night. I hope that’s okay. V said he’d meet us there at 11 in the parking lot.”
“Awesome, I’m starving.” I said, buckling my seat belt.

“Ditto. I didn’t really get to eat much of the popcorn we bought in there.” He laughed.

“Sorry.” I said sheepishly.

“Don’t be. I wanted to do it.” He said, turning on the radio.

“Really? But I didn’t do anything for you.” I asked.

“I didn’t expect you to.” He laughed and turned to me “When you want to do something for me, you’ll let me know.”

“I don’t know if I would. I’ve never done anything before. That was the first time I have ever been that far. As embarrassing as that is to admit.” I said, my voice just above a whisper.

“That was the furthest I have ever gotten myself babe. Don’t be embarrassed. We have to know these things about each other to be together, right?”

My heart fluttered as I realized he called me babe.

“That is, if you want to be with me. You still haven’t really said a clear yes or no.” He finished; his eyes focused on the road.

“No, Eric, I just let you finger bang me in public because I want to be friends.” I said sarcastically.

“So, does that mean you want to be my girlfriend?”

“If you want to officially ask me, I will say yes. And not just because you can get me off. I really like you. I was just scared to be with someone because I don’t feel like I deserve love or to belong to someone.” I replied.

His face became serious and he drove for a moment, before pulling off to the side of the road. He turned the radio down and turned to me.
“Alexis, would you do me the great honor of being my girlfriend?”

It took me a moment to realize what he was asking me, and I just sat there smiling stupidly at him for a few seconds before nodding enthusiastically.

“Yes, absolutely Eric.” I said, taking his hands in mine and squeezing them.

“Thank you, really, for giving me a chance. I was really worried after last night that I had done something wrong or that you didn’t like me like that. I know we sort of made out in the administrations office but that could have just been impulse.” He said, starting to ramble on.
“No, I did that because I wanted to. Sometimes I get so sad,” I said “that I don’t always make the best decisions. I know I’m difficult and sometimes it’s annoying, but I truly do like you and appreciate everything you have done for me so far.”

“Well, I’m in for the long haul. No matter how difficult you think you are, this comes easy to me. You’re different than the airhead girls at school. You actually give a sh*t about real things, and I like that.” He said, pressing my hands together and kissing them.

I was too flattered to say anything at the time, so I just kissed him and hoped that conveyed my happiness at the time.

“Okay, welp, let’s get some food before Vodka thinks we stood him up.” Eric said, starting the car back up again.

We pulled into the parking lot at IHOP next to Dylan’s BMW. He was in the driver’s seat, leaned back and smoking a cigarette. Eric rolled his window down and Dylan followed in suit.

“Hey f*ck face, took y’all long enough.” Dylan shouted over to us.

“Sorry man, I had to pull over for a minute. Toss me one of those.” Eric replied, pointing at Dylan's cigarette.

“I don’t want all the details of your f*ck fest, I’m starving.” Dylan said jokingly, tossing Eric one from his pack.

“There haven’t been any f*ck fests, for your information. I’ve been a perfect gentleman all night. Right, Alex?” Eric said, catching the cigarette with both hands and leaning up to pull a lighter from his pocket.

I just laughed in return and unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Nope, none at all.” I said, grabbing my purse.

“Wait right there, babe.” Eric said as he lit his cigarette and quickly hurried out of the car and over to my door.

I waited awkwardly for a second, until he opened my door for me. I seen Dylan cross his arms and roll his eyes. It was starting to get even colder out, and I was starting to get a chill. I put my purse over my shoulder and rubbed my arms to smooth down goosebumps. Eric's face lit up for a second, like he had a brilliant idea. He stopped and pulled his sweater off, the white shirt beneath it almost coming off with it. I helped him take the sweater off by holding his t-shirt down.

"Take my hat." He said, holding onto the sweater at his neck and laughing.

I took it off and held it while he pulled the sweater over his head. I sat the hat back onto his head playfully, backwards. The front of his hair stuck out like chicken feathers and it made me giggle.

"Put your arms up." He said.

I did as I was told and he pulled the sweater down over me. I pulled it down the rest of the way over my boobs and wiggled around a bit in it.

"You look so cute!" Eric exclaimed, patting me on the head like a child.

"Sure. A blue sweatshirt and a skirt with suspenders." I laughed.

"Hey, I have suspenders too somewhere. I just don't wear them to school. I don't need another reason for those dickhe*ds to f*ck with me." He said, pulling me close and rubbing my arms through the sweater.

"Oh yeah? That sounds kinda hot." I said, leaning into him.

He hit his cigarette, finishing it, and then flicked it over into the gravel of the parking lot. He then picked me up and squeezed me tightly for a minute and swung me around. He wasn't much taller than I was, but I was surprised by how strong he was. I hadn't been picked up by anyone possibly since I was a child.

“After you.” Eric said, setting me back down and fake bowing.

“Oh, my f*cking God, this is going to be loads of fun.” Dylan said sarcastically.

“We could always get back in the car and you can just eat my f*cking ass, Vodka.” Eric said, his voice rising slightly.

I turned to look at him, a little shocked that he seemed so quickly irritated with his friend. He half smiled and seemed to center himself just as quickly though. Dylan ignored the snark and walked ahead of us, Eric took my hand and we followed him in.
I was desperately hoping that Dylan wouldn’t continue being so irritated with my presence and Eric wouldn’t become entirely pissed off about it. I really wanted to be right where I was at that very moment, but not so badly that I would intrude on two close friends. I would have to pay close attention to the atmosphere between the two of them and if it became uncomfortable, I would simply ask to go home so they could still have a good time. It was just a matter time and patience, on my behalf.

Chapter 8: Whispers at the bus stop

Chapter Text

It didn’t take very long to get our food but the silence between Eric and Dylan while we were waiting was absolutely agony. They sat across from each other at our booth, and Dylan would look over at Eric and it was almost like they were communicating with their stares alone.

“Hey, look, if you guys want to hang out without me, I would be okay with that.” I finally said, breaking the silence.

Eric stared hard at Dylan for a moment and then a look of guilt washed over Dylan’s face. Dylan dropped his head and started eating.

“No, man, it’s cool. I’m sorry for being a dick. I don’t know why I get like that sometimes.” Dylan said, mouth full of bacon but still not looking up at either of us.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude on you guys, and Eric and I already seen the movie, it would only take him a few minutes to take me back home.” I insisted.

“No, please eat.” Dylan said, shifting uncomfortably in the booth seat.

I honestly felt bad for him for a second. I know that almost every time I have talked to him, he seemed really annoyed that I even existed, but in that moment, I really felt sad for him. Just the way his face fell when he visibly gave up trying to put on the rude guy front, it was like I got a glimpse into who he truly was.

Eric was still staring at Dylan though. It bothered me so I nudged him and mouthed ‘Stop’, and he finally did. Eric didn’t seem angry, just confused.

“Every time I experience something good, I feel like I have to pay for it.” Eric said, looking down at his hands and picking at his cuticle.

I had noticed this became a habit when he was trying to ignore something or was thinking deeply on something. This was when Eric was an open gateway. I decided this wasn’t the time to explore that gateway though.

“Hey, you don’t have to pay retribution anywhere in life to be with me. And if I knew you did, I wouldn’t put you through that. We can talk about that later, I promise.” I said, leaning my head over on to his shoulder.

“We’ll see.” Eric replied flatly.

Dylan had all but almost finished his plate by the time we had started eating. I was starving but was trying to eat slowly, being as it was our first official date. My parents would always joke about how fast I ate dinner and always picked at me about it, but I never took an interest in slowing down and spending time eating, so I learned to eat quickly and be excused to finish homework or a hobby.

“You pick at your food like a bird.” Dylan laughed, breaking the awkwardness that still lingered.

“Yeah she isn’t a Hoover like you. This mother f*cker got a whole 20-piece bucket of chicken for his birthday and ate it all that night” Eric said, throwing his thumb at Dylan.

“Oh God,” I laughed, “That’s crazy but also really cool.”

For the first time, I seen Dylan genuinely smile. He seemed a bit embarrassed by Eric outing him like that, but it gave me hope that he would warm up to me and I could mesh better with them as a group. I truly wanted to fit in with Eric’s friends, but from the lack of having my own friends I was quite rusty on my social skills. Even though this was technically supposed to be Eric and I’s date, I felt like the third wheel as soon as we pulled into the parking lot.

“Do you guys want to go do something cool? I’m sick of this place already.” Dylan said, stretching his lean body back over the back of the booth bench.

“Like what?” I asked, slightly intrigued.

Dylan smiled at me, and I could feel Eric tensing up beside of me again.

“Yeah,” Eric said, clearing his throat, “Like what?”

The boys looked at each other for a few seconds longer before Dylan stood up. Eric set our silverware and napkins onto the plates we were eating from and stacked them on top of each other. He reached into his back pocket for his wallet and took out cash and left it beside the neatly stacked plates.

“I’ll go pay, you guys head out to the car. We’ll take mine.” Eric said, squeezing my hand tightly then letting it go.

I followed Dylan out to the parking lot, not saying a word. I was starting to panic over small things and become overly anxious again. Should I offer to let him sit in the front seat? What if where he wanted to go was dangerous? There was an odd vibe between them since we arrived, did I really want to figure out why? I pulled my arms inside of Eric’s sweater that I was still wearing and shivered against the cold of the night. Dylan’s long strides had him a good 50 feet ahead of me and I struggled to keep up. I started to run in a slow jog with my arms inside of my sweater behind him as he got closer to the car.

“You can sit in the front, since you have long legs.” I said, looking up at him trying to catch my breath.

“Cool.” He said, digging around in the pocket of his long black coat.

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and flipped open the top, pulling one from the pack with his mouth.

“Do you want one?” He asked.

I thought for a second but decided I had better not. I was almost 18 and wasn’t afraid of my parents finding out or anything, but I honestly was starting to get too cold to pull my hands out of my sweater. I shook my head vigorously as a shiver made my teeth start to chatter.

“Suit yourself.” He said, smiling while he lit his own.

“I’m sorry, I know I can be pretty lame.” I said, looking down and kicking a few pieces of gravel around in the parking lot.

“Why would you be sorry for not starting something that could kill you?” He laughed.

“I’m sure everything could kill me, in one way or another.” I said.

“True. True.” He said, exhaling smoke upwards into the night sky.

“I mean, I’m not afraid to die or to do things that could kill me. I’m just cold right now.” I joked.

“You’re not afraid of death?” He asked, looking amused.

“Not particularly. I just wouldn’t want to die by drowning or in a house fire, I guess. I’d rather it be quick and painless when it does happen.”

“Ditto. But I could give a f*ck less when it happens. We all have to die. Sometimes I just wish my time were sooner than later.” He said, his face becoming oddly serious.

I brought my hands up to my mouth from the neckline of the sweater and blew on them. What an odd thing to say to someone who is nearly a stranger, but honestly, I could relate. I just wasn’t too keen on saying it here to someone I’m not even sure wants to be around me, let alone know all my deepest darkest death wish secrets. I nodded at him, a few awkward seconds later. I was starting to wonder what was taking Eric so long inside. I turned around and stared at the big red EXIT sign hanging over the back door of the IHOP. An old couple slowly came out, the door swinging behind them, then a blonde girl and her friend.

"Hey Dylan!" The blonde said, waving over at us.

Dylan gave her one single nod and she leaned over to whisper something to her friend and then went about her business. Something felt off about her, fake even. I was feeling heavy and awkward as I seen Eric run out of the back door, finally. A huge smile on his face made me smile myself as he made eye contact with me and ran towards me.

“Jesus Harold Christ, it’s f*cking cold!” Eric shouted, running across the parking lot.

I suddenly felt bad for having his sweater on while he had only a shirt.

“Hold me I’m cold!!” Eric shouted, running up behind me and sticking his hands under my sweater.

“Oh, my f*cking God! No, it’s so cold!” I squealed, trying to get away.

He picked me up and after struggling a bit, put me over his shoulder. He slapped my butt hard as I struggled against him.

“Eric stop, you’re going to drop me!” I shrieked.

“No, babe, I got this!” He said, slinging the driver’s side door open and slowly setting me down.

“You’re lucky you’re so attractive.” I said, feigning anger.

“Oh, but I am.” He said, raising an eyebrow at me.

I leaned in and pulled the seat adjuster, sliding it forward so I could get in. Of course, as soon as I bent over, he smacked me on the ass again. I yelped and quickly crawled into the back seat. During all the commotion, Dylan had already got in the passenger seat and buckled in. He was thumbing through a large zip up CD case when I realized this.

“Where we headed Vodka?” Eric asked, starting the car.

“Remember where we did mission number four? The place we used to take Kibbz and do fireworks?” Dylan said, putting a CD in the player.

“Yeah, I got you.” Eric said, pulling out of the parking lot.

“What are we doing?” I asked, leaning up slightly.

“We’re going to show you something pretty.” Dylan said flatly.

“Okay, as long as you guys aren’t planning on killing and dismembering me in the middle of nowhere.” I joked.

“No, I love you too much for that. Trust me it will be fun.” Eric said, as the music started playing.

The vibration of big speakers vibrated through my chest as I realize what he had just said. Did he just casually say he loved me? I felt heat rush to my cheeks as I slunk down in the backseat. This was going to be a good night.

Chapter 9: I've heard about nights out in the school yard

Chapter Text

We had parked the car at Eric’s house and started to walk. I had started to get spooked after walking through a corridor I had never noticed before and past a small graveyard.

“This is so creepy.” I whispered.

The boys looked at each other for a second and laughed. I started to feel like I was on the outside of an inside joke, waiting to be let in on the funny parts.

“It won’t be once we get to where we’re going.” Dylan said, smiling so widely I could clearly see it through the pitch-black darkness of the night.

“I’m pissed it’s gotten so cold tonight. I bet it’s going to f*cking snow. All day it felt like summer and then as soon as we got out of the theater BOOM! f*cking dead of winter again.” Eric rambled on as he took heavy steps through the tall grass.

“You know it snows every time we want to do something fun.” Dylan added, his long legs working twice as fast as Eric’s and my own.

Eventually we reached a trail. I stopped for a minute to catch my breath, leaned over with my hands on my knees. The boys turned around to look at me.

“Hard work, eh?” Dylan joked.

“Yeah, I don’t do too well walking anywhere when it’s freezing balls outside.” I said, forming an O with my mouth and blowing out visible steam.

“We used to do this sh*t all the time. It was crazy. Sneaking out of our parents houses at f*cking midnight. Vodka had it the worst though, his ass had to stand and wait for one of us to pick him up because his house is like a half hour out of town.” Eric laughed.

“f*ck you, every time I did that you guys were ten minutes late at the very least. And I swear I heard mountain lions every god damned time. It was way too much work to blow a few things up and put glue in people’s key holes.” Dylan said, crouching down on one knee in front of me.

“Blowing stuff up? Is that what we’re doing up here?” I asked, suddenly caught between worry and intrigue.

Eric laughed awkwardly and Dylan covered his mouth, stifling a laugh. Dylan dug around in his jacket pockets for a minute and produced a hand full of something that looked like firecrackers, only way bigger. He waved them at me and sat them on the ground between us. He went back to digging away in his pockets and produced a long cylindrical tube and sat it on the ground between us. One final time, and he pulled out a handful of bottle rockets. All I could think was, Wow, he really must have a lot of room in that thing.

“Your coat is like a magician’s hat. You’re going to pull a rabbit out soon, I know it.” I laughed.

“Oh, these are way better than a rabbit, I think.” Dylan said separating the bottle rockets.

“We need a bottle for those, I’m not burning the f*ck out of my hands like last time.” Eric said, looking around the area, presumably for a bottle.

“What’s the long tube?” I asked, sitting fully on the ground now.

Eric looked at Dylan nervously. Dylan glanced over at him then back down at the ground, smirking.

“It’s a pipe bomb.” Dylan said softly.

“Like, a real real bomb?” I asked, now fully interested.

“Well, yeah. We can make them. We used to work at a firework stand with a couple buddies and when summer ended, we got to take home everything leftover. So, a lot of the mortars and sh*t got emptied into this baby right here and a few others. It’s probably not super powerful since it’s not 100 percent gun powder though. But it will still serve its purpose.” Dylan said, picking up the pipe bomb and turning it around in his hands.

Eric stood by, observing us. I feel like he was silently gauging my reaction. Waiting for me to get nervous and want to run. Sure, I was scared of the damned thing. But I didn’t want to run. It’s not like it was built to blow me up and hopefully not any other humans. I looked over at him and smiled excitedly and seen him visibly relax.

“Alright, let’s get this party started and find something to blow up.” I said excitedly.

“I have something you can blow up.” Eric mumbled, digging through some shrubbery for a bottle.

Heat filled my cheeks and I pulled the neckline of the sweater up over my mouth to cover my huge grin. I inhaled the cool night and could smell Eric’s cologne in the sweater. I had all but adjusted to the crisp air, being out in it for so long already. Eric had grabbed his long black coat from his room when we parked the car, so at least I wasn’t worried about him freezing to death tonight since I couldn’t bear to cough up his sweater just yet.

“Ha! Jackpot.” Eric said, still bent over into the brush.

He stood up and turned around, proudly displaying two large empty liquor bottles. Dylan laughed and stood up, finally done sorting the mass of tangled fuses in the pile of fireworks.

“One for the bottle rockets and we can stick some of those M80s into the other if we bind the fuses and extend it a bit. It’ll throw glass for a f*cking mile.” Eric said enthusiastically.

“I’m not too sure about getting impaled by shards of some hobo’s old whiskey bottle,” Dylan said, gathering up the bottle rockets “So we should find something else to put the M80s in. We only have 4, so we should do them first.”

“Let’s just do them both at the same time. Someone is bound to hear it or see the bottle rockets go off, so we’re going to have to haul so much ass out of here.” I suggested.

They looked at each other and nodded. Dylan put his hands deep into his pockets and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He put one in his mouth and lit it, hitting it quickly the first few times. Eric did the same.

“I can’t run as fast as you can Reb. You know this.” Dylan said, leaning back to avoid getting smoke in his own eye.

“Lexi, how fast can you run?” Eric asked, laughing.

“Well, I mean if it’s going to jail or blowing my face off, pretty f*cking fast.” I said, raising an eyebrow.

“No man, I can do it. I don’t want her to get hurt.” Dylan said, stepping forward.

“No, I can do it!” I insisted, “I’ve done it before, just not this many. I won’t get hurt.”

Eric seemed a bit troubled. Conflicted between letting me do something extremely dangerous and offending me by saying no.

“Guys, I can do it! I’m a girl, yes, but I’m not lighting the fuse with my vagin*.” I said, becoming annoyed.

“I don’t know babe. I really don’t think…” Eric started.

“Oh, come on, stop being a sexist bastard. It’s just light the fuse, run, go boom.” I said, cutting him off.

For a second, I covered my mouth with my hand. I didn’t mean to insult him. His face was stone cold for a few seconds and then he started to laugh at me.

“I guess if you feel so strongly about it, you can light the bottle rockets instead of me. I’ll show you how. But, let’s stop f*cking around and find out where we’re putting the M80s.” Eric replied, pulling me by the hand.

Dylan gathered the rest of the fireworks and the pipe bomb from the ground and followed behind Eric and me dutifully. It was hard to make out anything outside of the trail. Occasionally a car would drive by and we would crouch down below the shrubbery line, out of view. My heart pounded heavily in my chest as each set of headlights slowed down then drove on in the distance. I was scared as hell of being out after dark had set in and always had been since I was a small kid. But with Eric, it was like all the darkness was illuminated before me. The only thing that scared me was someone interrupting us and cutting my time short with him.

I looked up at the sky, it was a clear yet dark navy blue with speckles of silver and yellow stars. The moon was almost full, except for a small sliver on the right, which still seemed faintly brightened but not as clearly visible. One lone thin white cloud moved quickly through the sky. We walked on until we seen a porch light in the distance.

“Hey, there’s that rent-a-cabin thing.” Dylan said, as we got closer.

“Is it empty?” I asked, not knowing this area had even existed despite living only a mile or two away from it for most of my life.

“Probably. People don’t usually f*ck around up here until June. Cutesy little fireplaces don’t keep you warm in Colorado winters.” Eric said.

“Let’s do the f*cking mailbox!” Dylan said, laughing.

I wasn’t completely sure if he was joking or not. Eric looked like he was thinking for a minute.

“No let’s put them in that flower bed, and we can take cover behind that tool shed over there.” Eric said, pointing.

“Sounds good to me. If you catch the place on fire, just know I’m f*cking bookin’ it.” Dylan laughed.

“If the place catches fire, we all better run,” Eric laughed, “I’d hate to get Alex locked up before I can even meet her parents.”

Dylan looked in through the main cabin window to make sure it wasn’t occupied because Eric and I weren’t tall enough to see over the curtain rod to get a good view. Nobody was inside as far as he could tell so we started setting everything up according to our plan. I arranged the cluster of bottle rockets so that all the fuses were generally in the same area for easy access and placed them down into the empty liquor bottle.

“Alright, I’m going to light the long fuse that leads up to the M80s down here, you guys light the rockets over at that end. Once the fuse started burning, run. And Alex, I mean absolutely run. Because rocks and dirty and God knows what else is going to go flying. This is a practice run basically for when we set the pipe bomb off. Cover your ears when you get behind the shed, don’t stop and do it.” Dylan stated, sounding authoritative.

I gave a quick nod and followed Eric over to the bottle. He handed me his lighter and squeezed my hand for a second which made me smile.

“I want you to light the part where all of the fuses meet. Kind of use a sweeping motion if you can. When it started sparking along the fuse, we run behind the shed. I’ll do the countdown. When I said 0 you light this son of a bitch up, okay?” Eric said.

“Yes sir. I got it.” I said, jokingly flicking the lighter a few times.

“Hey V, I’ll count down from 3, light that sh*t up as soon as I say zero!” Eric yelled over to Dylan.

Dylan gave an ominous thumbs up. Eric began the countdown, speaking only loud enough for Dylan and me to hear.

“3……2…….1….0!”

I lit the fuses quickly and before I could think to run, Eric had already grabbed my arm and was pulling me towards the shed, Dylan a millisecond behind us. Everything felt as if it slowed down in the next couple seconds that passed. The whistling of the bottle rockets began as soon as we took cover and I peeked out from beside the shed in time to see them explode with a loud crack in the sky above us. I jumped, unprepared for the loud explosion of noise. Eric, standing behind me, covered my ears with his hands. I could see Dylan laugh, but I couldn’t hear him. I placed my hand against the shed, and although I didn’t see the M80 blast, I felt it in the ground below us and in the heavy board of the shed. Smoke and dirty was everywhere and a strong smell of sulfur. Eric took his hands off my ears.

“That was f*cking COOL!” Dylan said loudly, obviously a bit deafened from not shielding his own ears from the blast.

“Let’s go check out the damage.” Eric said, heading over to the flower bed.

I followed behind him. He let out a loud laugh, and I peeked around from behind him to assess the destruction.

“It blew the bottom porch step clear off!” Dylan said, jogging over to us.

The flower bed was in shambled, no longer a flower bed but a crater in the dirty with wood, rock, and debris scattered around it. The porch stairs had burst apart from each other and collapsed the whole set of 3, completely shattering the bottom board.

“Holy sh*t. So that’s what M80s do.” I said, putting my hands on my hips.
“Yeah. Imagine what this thing would do, it’s got 3 times as much gunpowder as an M80.” Dylan said, patting his coat pocket with the pipe bomb in it.

“That one’s really going to do some damage, when the time comes.” Eric said, gesturing at Dylan.

“What are you guys going to blow up with that one?” I asked, apprehensively.

They both laughed nervously and then fell silent. I looked past Dylan and could see one single beam of light making its way up behind him. Although about 50 yards away, it was making haste and finding its way to us. It was someone with a flashlight.

“Oh f*ck.” Eric said, grabbing my arm and pulling me through the shrubbery.

“Who in the f*ck do you kids think you are?! Get back here you little assholes! I’m calling the police!” The person with the flashlight yelled.

Dylan was keeping up behind us and I pumped my legs so quickly, I thought my chest was going to burst for a second. We ran until we couldn’t hear the person yelling anymore. Even still, we didn’t stop sprinting until we made it to Eric’s driveway. We all hopped into the car as quickly as possible and pulled out of the driveway, heading towards the IHOP parking lot where we had left Dylan’s car.

“Thank f*ck that wasn’t a cop!” Eric said, breathing heavily.

“Thank f*ck is right! My parents would f*cking kill me if we got in trouble again!” Dylan said, taking his hat off and pushing his hair back with his fingers.

They both seemed agitated with each other and the situation at hand.

“Well guys, we didn’t get caught. So, why not just admit that was really f*cking fun?” I suggested, trying to break the tension in the car.

They both laughed and I heaved a sigh of relief that they weren’t going to snap at me like they had each other.

“True. We almost get caught every time we go up there, honestly.” Eric said.

“Yeah, that was kind of a stupid idea.” Dylan said, leaning his seat back and visibly relaxing.

“Well, next time we will have to find a more secluded place.” I said, buckling my seat belt.

“Next time, huh?” Eric joked.

“You’re okay to hang out with us any time you want Lex. Really, you were pretty cool tonight.” Dylan said, lolling his head over to look at me in the back seat.

“Well, thank you Dylan, at least someone wants to have a next time.” I said jokingly, sticking my tongue out at Eric.

“Oh whatever. You know I can’t go a day without seeing you.” Eric said, eyes focused on the winding road ahead of us.

We drove quietly back to Dylan’s car to drop him off. He seemed to be in better spirits than when we initially met him at the restaurant. We had all agreed that it had been a long night and at almost 4 a.m. it was time to head back to our houses.

“Well, here we are. Do you think your parents will be mad you’re getting in so late?” Eric asked, pulling into my driveway.

“No, they were just happy I got out of the house for once.” I laughed.

“You really don’t go out much?” He said, genuinely curious.
“No, I really don’t have friends anymore. Bailey got invited to a college party early this year and just stopped talking to me after I said I didn’t want to go. I just don’t want to party with a bunch of community college meatheads.” I said.

“Oh, so that’s what happened there.” Eric said, surprised.

“What’s that mean?” I laughed.

“When I seen you on the first day of school this year you looked happy and enthusiastic. You and your friend were hanging out in the commons before homeroom. But after homecoming, you didn’t go there anymore. Not before the first bell, not for lunch. I stopped going down there and just looking for you in the halls, but I rarely seen you.” He said, following his last word with a yawn.

I yawned out of empathy and laughed. My thoughts were starting to become slower the more tired I became.

“I wish you could come in and lay with me until I fell asleep. Are you parents going to be mad?” I asked.

“I do too. I hate to leave you. My mom’s out of town on some vineyard tour. My dad probably fell asleep in his recliner hours ago, he won’t hear me go in.” He replied.

I nodded. I may as well be the one to rip the band aid off, sooner than later.

“I guess I better get going. When do you want to see me again?” I asked, my eyes getting heavy.

“Me and Vodka work 10 am to 3pm tomorrow. But I can come over afterwards if you think your parents won’t mind.”

“They won’t.” I laughed, “They are already bugging me to invite you over for dinner soon.”

“That’s a first.” He said, grinning at me.

“Okay, I have to force myself to get out of the car. Good night. Call me tomorrow after work. I’ll probably sleep the day away.” I said, leaning towards him.

We kissed good night and I got out of the car. As I started to walk away, I heard the window roll down behind me.

“Alex.” Eric called after me.

“Yeah?” I said after turning around.

“I meant what I said earlier. I love you too much. I know it’s early; you don’t have to say it back. But I do.” He said, looking sleepily at me.

“I know.” I said, beaming back at him as I turned and walked into the house.

Chapter 10: I Found Out About You: Part 1

Chapter Text

Love always seemed like such a permanent, yet fickle, emotion to me. People love each other one day, and the next they start the journey of forever not speaking to each other. Others tell their spouses they love them many times throughout the day, as a pleasantry really, never thinking on if they feel or mean it anymore. My parents, for example. They tell each other “I love you” on the phone, before leaving for work or other events, before bed each night, yet they can barely stand to be around each other. Since I was little, I would lay awake at night in my bed listening to them argue. Sometimes it was a huge argument that ended in “I hate you”, other times it was a combination of hushed insults thrown at each other under the guise of staying together for my benefit. They had never been great at loving each other and they were equally as bad at pretending they were the perfect dream couple and parenting team. If after 19 years, they couldn’t love each other, then what was the point? If my parents couldn’t love each other under perfect circ*mstances, how could I believe in love at all?

I had laid in bed, awake, pondering what Eric said for a long time when I got home. I tormented myself, wishing one moment that I had said it back. Yet the next moment, glad that I didn’t because I didn’t know if I truly did love him. I didn’t truly know if I could love anyone. I thought about him all the time and he made my days easier and better just by being near me, but was I falling in love with him? I can’t say I had ever loved anyone or felt loved to compare the feeling to.

I finally closed my eyes close to dawn and fell into a deep sleep. I had dreamed about absurd things for what felt like hours, no doubt because of staying awake so late that night. I had awoken some time around 8 a.m. and looked at my alarm clock, deciding it was far too early to be awake on only two hours of sleep I closed my eyes and instantly fell back into a dreamless yet peaceful sleep.

I heard the lock on my bedroom door pop from the outside and my eyes snapped open. How in the f*ck? I thought as the door started to creak open. I rubbed my eyes sleepily in disbelief.
“Dad, I swear to God if you broke my knob again, I’m going to…” I started.

As quickly as my voice rose in anger, it fell. Eric poked his head inside of my bedroom door, smiling from ear to ear.

“Hey, I’m not your dad but if you want to call me Daddy, I can’t say I would object!” He said, sliding in and closing the door behind him.

“Oh God, Eric. Did my parents actually let you come upstairs?” I said, curling up under my covers again.

“Yeah, they told me to wake your ass up because it’s 4 p.m. I’ve been here since 3:30” He said, sitting down on the side of my bed and sliding his shoes off.

“For real?” I asked, scooting over to make room for him.

“I have a way with words when it comes to adults.” He smirked, raising an eyebrow at me.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve heard you call a few of our teachers ‘an old bitch’ to their face but go on.” I joked.

“Ah, but no. Only when they turn around and they can’t hear me.” He said laughing and crawling under my thick comforter.

“Did your parents sh*t their pants when you got home last night? Or, well, this morning?” I asked.

“Well, I’m, here aren’t I? My dad got up as I was in the kitchen, I just pretended I woke up early and needed a drink. I already had my shoes and stuff off. He just said good morning and went about his business. I think he was meeting my brother today to go ice fishing somewhere.” He replied.

I started to become self-conscious, as I had just woken up and hadn’t been to the bathroom to brush my teeth or hair or to prepare myself to be seen for the day. His hazel eyes met mine, and for a second, I swear his pupils dilated slightly.
“You’re so f*cking cute.” He said, after a long silence.

“Blasphemy. I can’t look that great. I just woke up from sleeping my ass off.” I said, pulling the blanket up over my face.

He snaked his hand over across my hip and squeezed my butt.

“Nope, it’s still all there.”

“You are so f*cking lame Eric.” I said, grabbing his hand and squeezing it in mine.

I scooted closer to him and burrowed my face into his chest. My hair, awry from tossing and turning, covered his face and he tried smoothing it down out of the way.

“I’m going to get a hairball.” He joked.

“Shh, you are not. I thought I was ‘f*cking cute’.” I teased.

“You are, but your hair is a jungle right now. I’m going to need a machete to get us out of here.”

A knock came from outside my bedroom door and Eric’s eyes grew wide. I laughed.

“What?” I called at the door.

“Dinner will be done in about 40 minutes guys. Get dressed Lexi, but make sure you do it in your bathroom.” My father called from outside the door.

“Okay Dad.” I called back to him.

“They don’t just come into your room?” Eric asked, sort of puzzled.

“No, that’s why my knob is locked. Speaking of that, how did you get in here anyway?” I asked, pulling my face back to look up at him.

“It’s just a push lock, I poked a bobby pin in the hole on the outside and it unlocked.” He laughed; I could feel the vibrations through his chest.

“That’s really smart. My parents haven’t figured that one out yet.” I replied.

“I’m sure they have. They told me to knock and you would let me in, but I was hoping to surprise you.”

“Well, you scared the sh*t out of me. What if I would have been naked? Or worse…ugly sleeping?” I laughed.

“Naked, huh?” He said.

“Is that all you ever think of perv?” I joked, sliding my arm under him and squeezing him tightly.

“All. The. f*cking. Time.” He said, tickling me slightly on the ribs.
“Stop!” I shrieked, pushing his hands away and laughing “I hate being tickled!”

“Your mom’s making pot roast.” Eric said, burying his face in my hair.

“Do we really have to get up to eat? I’m so warm and comfortable.” I said.

“No, of course not, I’ll just yell for your parents and tell them they’re our bitches now, they have to serve us dinner in bed and run our bath water and feed up grapes from the bunch whenever we want.”

I laughed thinking of that odd suggestion.

“My dad would probably throw you out and kick my ass if you tried any of that.”

“Yeah,” He sighed “He probably would. But it would be worth it to see the look on their faces,”

“They’d definitely not let you up to my room anymore.” I laughed.

“Hey, I’d just come in the window again. Nothing can stop me from seeing you.” He said, his voice falling soft.

“You’re the sweetest. You know that?” I asked, looking up at him.

“I know, right?” He laughed.

“I’m going to get dressed,” I sighed “But I’m not going to enjoy it.”
“I’ll enjoy it for you.” He said, winking goofily at me.

“Oh hush, I’ll be out in a few. I need a quick shower.” I said, grabbing clothes from my dresser drawers.

A little under a half hour later, Eric and I descended the staircase to join my parents for dinner.

“Good morning, sunshine!” My mother called from the kitchen.

“Good afternoon, you mean?” My father called back to her, forcing a laugh.

“Hey, I could always go back to bed for another twelve hours.” I joked.

“Dinner’s almost done. I just have to plate everyone, and I’ll call you guys in” Mom said, cheerfully peeking her head into the living room for a second.

“Okay momma.” I said, sitting on the couch and pulling Eric over to me by his hand.

“She’s never this happy.” I whispered to him, curling up into his lap.

“What do you kids think of this snow they’re calling for tonight?” My dad asked, sitting down in his recliner.

“Dad, it always snows here, it’s Colorado.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Well, Sir, I hope it’s not as much as they’re calling for.” Eric said, clearing his throat.

“Yeah,” My dad said, “If the accumulation hits anywhere close to what they’re calling for, we’re all going to be asshole deep in snow for the next two weeks.”

Eric started to laugh, and I nudged him. I didn’t want him encouraging my dad’s craziness. My dad liked to think he was going to magically change jobs one day and become a meteorologist. When my dad asks about the weather, he is never really asking about the weather. He’s just looking for an opening to tell everyone in the room what he knows about the weather. I wasn’t feeling up to the amount of boring that would amount to this evening.

“Dad, how was work?” I asked, sitting up and attempting to change the subject.

“Well, it went how it usually does Lex. Those assholes stick me with all the paperwork in our wing of the office and I end up behind on my assigned deadlines for the entire week because of it and then that bitch Barbara...” Dad started.

“Gene, stop that. I told you to stop calling Barbara a bitch, she’s your assistant.” My mother said, coming out of the kitchen quickly.

“I’m sorry, Eric. Our household isn’t usually this hectic, or full of cursing.” She added.

“No, ma’am, you guys are fine. I can handle a little cursing and banter. I’m sure I’ve heard worse.” Eric said, laughing.

“She doesn’t do a damned thing to assist ME.” My dad grumbled.
“God Dad, stop. You’re so embarrassing. You’d think you’re Jerry Springer, not an investment banker.” I said, standing up.

“You’ll see Alexis when you get a job in this town one day. Everyone dumps their work on the nice guy.” Dad said, wagging the remote in my direction.

“I won’t be the nice guy. I’m going to tell them to eat my ass on day one.” I laughed.

“Alexis, that’s nasty. Don’t say that type of thing. You both are embarrassing!” My mom said, yanking me by the arm towards the kitchen as I kept laughing at myself.

I turned back and waved to Eric and he was covering his mouth trying not to laugh too.

“You prepare Eric’s plate and I’ll do your father’s. One day when you run a house, you’ll have to know these things.” My mom said, smoothing out an apron she wore solely for this occasion.

I don’t know why she wanted to pretend she was Betty Homemaker tonight, but que sera sera, I guess.

“So, I get a boyfriend and you guys are going to spruce me up and marry me off to be a lowly housewife for the rest of my days?” I joked, grabbing a plate from the cabinet.

“No, I just think it’s time you start learning these things. Even if you’re not married, you might want to have dinner parties one day with friends from work.” Mom replied, flustered.
“What if I don’t have any friends as an adult either?” I said, attempting to be difficult to crack her charade.

“Seems you’re already making friends. Eric said you guys went to IHOP with his friend Dylan last night.”

“His friends might not be my friends too, Mom. I don’t know if Dylan likes me just yet.” I said, lowering my voice.

“He will, I’m sure. You always think so negatively. Dream a little.” She said firmly.

“Dream that I’m friends with my boyfriend’s friends. What high hopes you have for me mother.” I grumbled, scooping vegetables on to a plate.

“Hold on and I’ll cut the roast for you. You have to cut it a certain way or it comes off stringy.” My mother said, rushing over to me at the range.

“I do have high hopes for you Alexis. What are you planning on doing after you graduate? You keep putting off applying for colleges. I really don’t want you to take a gap year, it will put you behind everyone else in life and you don’t want that.” She added, cutting the meat effortlessly.

“I don’t know Mom. I don’t want to work and just die. I want to do something that makes me feel good about life.” I said, staring out the kitchen window over the range.

“Mom, Dad actually might be getting pretty good at this weather stuff.” I said, pointing out the window to the huge snowflakes pelting down outside of it.
“I told you girls it was going to dump it down tonight!” My dad called from the living room.

“Great call, Dad.” I yelled back.

I finished plating Eric’s food and sat it down at the kitchen table and my mother did the same with my Dad’s plate and returned to the range to make our plates.

“Go get the boys.” She said, shooing me away.

A few moments later, we were seated at the table eating quietly. Eric took a bite of a carrot and looked across the table at me, smirking. I kicked him softly under the table and he shot me a false look of shock. My parents ate, ignoring each other for the most part. My mom stopping every so often to gaze out of the window at the ever-accumulating snow.

“Eric, if it snows much more you might be stuck staying in our guest room tonight.” Mom said, gauging my father’s reaction.

Eric’s eyes grew wide for a moment.

“I just live down the street ma’am. I’m sure I can make it just fine.” He said.

“You don’t have to call me ma’am, that makes me feel so old. You can call me Maxine.” Mom said, smiling. Obviously, her drink had a little something extra in it.

“What kind of people would we be if we sent you home in the middle of a blizzard?” My dad said, wiping his face with a napkin.

I observed the situation, confused at first. Were my parents really caring people? Or was this some sort of tit for tat game they were playing to irritate each other?

“Well, thank you Maxine. If it gets too bad out, I would be honored. I would just have to call my dad.” Eric said, raising an eyebrow at me but talking to my mother.

The thought of Eric officially spending the night gave me butterflies. I pushed my food around on my plate, lost in thought.

“No problem, sweetie. I can call him if you want. I’d like to introduce myself and Gene to your parents one day soon, maybe I could officially set that up when I call him if that’s okay with you.” Mom said.

“Absolutely. Feel free.” Eric chirped.

“This is so weird to me. Can we go upstairs and watch a movie?” I asked, wiping my hands on a napkin and putting my silverware on to my plate.
“Yeah, you kids go on and get settled in. I’ll go ahead and call your dad, Eric. I’ll get some of the guest things set up for you for when it’s time for bed.” Mom said happily.

She was really enjoying this. I winced at Eric for a moment, as he sat his silverware on his plate and stood up. When he came over to me, I grabbed his hand and almost dragged him up the staircase to my room.

“This is so f*cking weird. I feel like I’m in some strange Amish community and being set up for an arranged marriage.” I said, closing my door behind us.

“What?” Eric laughed heartily, “I think they’re just being nice and accommodating.”

“I think they’re trying too hard! What kind of parents let your first boyfriend spend the night the first time he meets them? Crazy ones, are who.” I said, going over to my bookshelf and looking through the VHS tapes.

“I think they’re just happy you’re happy. First boyfriend, huh?” Eric said, sitting down on my bed.

“No, I’ve had hundreds of boyfriends. Even five husbands before my sixteenth birthday.” I said sarcastically.

“Ouch. Well, can I be your sixth?” He said, putting his hands to his chest feigning heartbreak.

“Sure, you goon. What do you want to watch?” I asked.

“What do you have? How about you come get in bed and I’ll put something on?” He suggested, standing up.

I shrugged, giving up on the absurdity of the past few hours since I had woken up. He walked over to me and pulled me in to him, kissing me deeply. If I could just relax this night might not be as awkward as I had expected it to be. I returned his eagerness, wrapping my arms up under his and around him.

“You smell so good.” He said, pulling back from me and nuzzling against me.

I pressed my face against his chest for the hundredth time today and smiled against him.

“Now, go put your feet up and relax. Not everyone is out to get you, baby.” He said, smacking my butt through my jeans and then shoving me towards the bed.

Chapter 11: I Found Out About You: Part 2

Chapter Text

Eric was sitting up in my bed, his back against the headboard, and I laying on his lap. His fingers ran through my still slightly damp hair.

“Why does your hair take so long to dry?” He asked, twirling a piece around his finger.

“I don’t know. It always takes almost a full day. I think because it’s thick.” I replied, not taking my eyes off the television screen on my dresser at the foot of my bed.

“So, when girls say they can’t go somewhere that they’re washing their hair, it’s not just an excuse?” He asked, his voice calm yet curious.

“Well, maybe for some it is, but a lot of us don’t like going out in the cold with wet hair. I know that it’s an old wives tale you’ll catch a cold if you do that, but I just don’t like it because my hair gets frozen or frizzy.” I answered lazily.

We had watched almost three quarters of the movie Eric had picked, while occasionally checking the accumulation of snow outside of my bedroom window. My parents had kicked the thermostat up to 80 and it was getting too toasty to lay under my heavy comforter, I was starting to think they had done that for a reason.

“It’s hot as f*ck in here.” I said, sitting up in bed.

“Yeah, I’m starting to sweat and that’s gross.” Eric said, dropping his hand from my hair.

“You can always take your shirt off.” I grinned.

“No, that’s okay.” He replied, breaking eye contact with me for a second.

My shoulders slumped. Was I just rejected?

“Okay, I’m going to go tell mom to turn the thermostat down.” I grumbled, crawling off the bed.

I walked downstairs and peeked over the staircase railing into the living room. My father was asleep in his recliner with the television on, but my mother was nowhere to be found. I hurried down the last few stairs and into the kitchen, still no sign of her.

“Mom!” I yelled, wondering where the f*ck she could have went in the middle of a blizzard.

I poked my head into the downstairs bathroom, nothing. Okay, maybe she was in dad’s office upstairs or their bedroom. I ran back upstairs and pushed open her bedroom door.

“Mom? Are you in here?” I asked into the nothingness.

I made my way to dad’s office and knocked lightly on the door. Dad didn’t like us going in there to begin with because he kept his files in the order, he wanted to work on them that morning. I jiggled the handle and opened the door. The light was off, she couldn’t be in there. I stood dumbfounded for a moment, my hand on my hip.

“Everything okay?” Eric said, startling me.

“Yeah, I don’t know where the hell my mom went.” I said, furrowing my eyebrows.

“She can’t be far, right? There’s 4 feet of snow outside.” He asked, confused as well.

I walked to the end of the hallway and opened the door to the storage room which led out onto our second-floor balcony. The outside door was open, and it was freezing in the storage room.

“Mom?!” I yelled out, a little louder than the times before.

“Yeah, sweetie, I’m out here.” I heard her voice call softly.

I opened the door the rest of the way and poked my head out, snow flurries pouring down on to my face and sticking to my eyelashes. I blinked them away quickly.

“What are you doing out here Mom? It’s a f*cking blizzard. You’re going to get sick. And it’s hot as balls inside.” I said, trying to adjust my eyes to my mother’s silhouette.

“Oh sh*t, I forgot about that. I came out for some air, I turned the heat up for when I came back in, but I kind of zoned out watching the snow fall so quickly around me. I’m sorry, I’ll go turn it down.” She said, shaking the snow from the blanket she had wrapped around her.

“Wait. Is everything okay?” I asked, stepping outside slightly, the thick mush of snow melting against my sock.

“Yeah, honey, everything is fine, get back in before you get frost bitten.” She said, nudging me back into the door.

My mom never roamed the house aimlessly. She always had a purpose and reason for being everywhere at any time in life. To “zone out” was completely out of character for someone as calculated as she was. I back up into the storage room and let her walk-in front of me, and I locked the door. Her vibe feels off and from the smell I can tell she was smoking even though my mom quit smoking 10 years ago.

“Mom, can we talk?” I said quietly, her back turned to me.

She stood still for a moment then took off her coat and tossed it over a stack of boxes beside her. I could see Eric peering down the hallway and into the storage room and I motioned for him to come in with us. He hesitated for a second and then started down the hallway. He stopped for a second at the doorway, pulling the legs of his jeans up and pressing one socked foot to the cold floor of the storage room.

“Is everything okay, Maxine?” Eric asked.

He was asking my mother but looking at me. I think the fact that someone other than me or my father asking about her well being set her into an emotional tailspin. My mom turned to me and heaved a heavy sigh, her small frame looking defeated as her shoulders rose and fell.

“You kids shouldn’t be out here fussing over me. I’ll be just fine.” She said, after a long moment of silence.

“Alex got really worried when she couldn’t find you.” Eric said, trying to edge the conversation along, albeit awkwardly.

“Yeah Mom, you really scared me for a second.” I said, rubbing my arms as the cold started to hit me.

I always hated that room and didn’t understand why my dad even bothered to use it for storage when we had a basem*nt and an attic. The ductwork for the heat was never fed into that room when the house was built, or the room was built haphazardly after the house had already been built, so it was always either very cold or too hot. The paint was peeling, and a section of wall was missing completely, showing bare insulation and paper. There were no electrical outlets or light switches or fixtures at all, and it panned off into a smaller room that was simply a four foot by four-foot square with dark paneled walls. It looked like a place someone would take a kidnapping victim.

“I’m just tired, kiddo. That’s all. Your dad fell asleep watching TV and I was going to just take a shower and call it a night, but I couldn’t sleep. I guess it’s my mind that’s tired.” Mom said, wiping her wispy blonde bangs from her forehead.

I didn’t know how to answer something like that, even though I related heavily to the feeling. Instead, I just walked over and hugged her. I was a good two to three inches taller than my mom but the way she wore her hair made us seem about the same height. I rested my chin against her forehead, and she squeezed me back.

“I love you Lexi, you’re a good kid, you know that?” She said.

“I love you too, Mom. I try.” I replied, smiling at Eric over my mom’s shoulder.

“I think I’m going to see a therapist next week Lex. I suggested that your father and I get couple’s counseling, but he refuses to acknowledge we have any issues. So, I think it’s best I at least go for myself. I haven’t felt this badly in 23 years. I just don’t know what’s wrong. I feel so exhausted and empty.” She rambles on.

“Okay, do you want me to drive you? I’d like to see where you’re going and check the place out.” I offered.

“I haven’t decided where I am going just yet. I don’t want to go where a bunch of looky-loos will see me and tell the whole town I’m crazy or something.” She said, patting me on the shoulders and wiping under her eyes.

“I can get the card for the guy I see, if you’d want.” Eric suggested, putting a hand on my mom’s shoulder.

News to me, Eric sees a therapist. He would have never struck me as the type to see a shrink. He’s so intelligent and self-aware. A lightbulb goes on in my head for a second as I’m staring at him, wondering what he would be seeking professional help for.

“Oh, that would be great honey! If it wouldn’t be too much bother.” My mom says, turning to Eric and giving him a big squeezing hug that makes his eyes get wide.

I suddenly forget all about my train of thought and start laughing. He looks so uncomfortable but so adorable at the same time. My mother finally lets him go and smooths invisible wrinkles from her pajama shirt.

“Of course, it wouldn’t be.” Eric says, smiling at me, satisfied with himself.
“Oh, Eric, I almost forgot. Your dad said he is leaving at dawn if his truck can get out of the driveway, he wanted to know if you had your house key. I told him if you didn’t, you’re welcome to hang out here longer until he got home.” My mom says, suddenly seeming more collected.

“Thank you, ma’am. I have one in my wallet. He’s probably going fishing.” Eric said, grabbing me by the hand and squeezing.

“I’m sorry if I put too much pressure on you kids. I just.” Mom started, “I just…Gene and I used to be really loving people. Just the perfect couple. I thought the sun just rose with him and the moon beamed from his eyes. As we’ve gotten older and busier, we changed. I see Alexis and I just want her to find that same thing and maybe hang onto it forever, y’know?”

“Oh God Mom, are you talking about you and Dad f*cking like rabbits again?!” I said, covering my ears before she had finished her sentence.

Eric laughed at me and then cleared his throat.

“No, I understand. It’s just awkward for me sometimes. I’m not used to parents letting me date their daughters, well not that I’ve dated a bunch. But you guys are really cool for having me over. It’s surprising.” Eric said, pulling my hands from my ears.

“And embarrassing. It’s like an arranged marriage.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Oh, shut up, I think it’s really nice what your parents do.” Eric insisted, nudging me.

My mom smiled at the both of us and headed toward the thermostat box in the stairwell.

“I’m going to do up the guest bed and then lay down for the night, guys. You don’t have to rush off to sleep, Eric. But make sure you make it to the guest bed; Gene will have a heart attack if he wakes up and you guys are both asleep in Lexi’s bed. He of course would never say anything to you, but when he got me alone all I’d ever hear is…” Mom said, moving her hand like a puppet chattering.

“Trust me, I will. She probably snores anyway.” Eric said jokingly.

“I’ll remember that, Harris.” I said, pushing him towards my bedroom door.

“Oh, call me Mr. Harris.” He joked, turning around and picking me up.

“Absolutely not, you sicko!” I said, moments before he tossed me onto the bed.

A small shriek escaped my lips as I almost bounced right back off the bed.

“Oh my God,” Eric laughed “I am SO sorry.”

His laughed was so contagious, and although my heart was racing from thinking I was going to hit the floor headfirst, I started laughing too.

“I hate your guts.” I said, stretching across the bed.

“I love your guts.” He said softly.
“Was that supposed to be sexy?” I asked, laughing harder.

“Possibly.” He replied, sitting beside me on the bed.

His hand started at my ankle and moved upwards, kneading at my skin and muscle.

“It was.” I said, my laughter suddenly stopping as our eyes met.

“I love your legs. And your thighs.” He said, his face becoming serious.

“Wait, is that a line from Natural Born Killers?” I said, grabbing his hand.

“Well, yeah, but I do love your legs and your thighs.” He replied, trying not to laugh.

“What else do you love about me?” I said, my voice getting lower.

“Your personality. The way you make me feel comfortable. Like I’ve known you for a million years but I’m still learning about you every day.” He said, leaning into me.

“Why do you see a therapist?” I ask, right before our lips meet in the middle.

Eric recoiled so quickly it was like I had splashed him with scalding hot water. I instantly regretted the question. He looked down at his hands and didn’t say anything for almost a minute, which felt like an eternity as I stared at his face.

“Well…I don’t know. You have to promise me something if I tell you.” He said, finally.

“What’s that? I’m not going to tell anyone. I don’t think you’re crazy or anything. I’m just curious.” I said, trying to correct my assumptions I had mentally made earlier.

“That and I don’t want you to think differently of me.”

“I wouldn’t think differently of you, Eric. You don’t have to tell me if you aren’t ready.” I said.

“I want you to know everything about me, eventually.” He said, taking my hand.

I nodded, acknowledging what he said.

“I don’t know, it’s just I get so angry sometimes over nothing really. And on top of that I just haven’t wanted to be here for a long time. Not here here, as in in your room, but on Earth in general.” He said, looking away from me for a second.

“So, was it your choice or your parents’ choice?” I asked.

“I guess, a combination of both. I don’t really feel like the guy does anything for me though and I kind of feel like I have to watch what I say, or I’ll end up in the nut ward.”

“You know, Eric, you can talk to me about anything. I don’t care how crazy it sounds or how short of a period of time that we’ve known each other. I won’t judge you for anything and I’m sure as f*ck not going to tell anyone anything.” I said, scooting closer to him.

“I’ve known you longer than you have known me.” He said as he put his arm over my shoulder and pulled me closer to him.

“Well, I want to make up for all the time that we could have been together and know everything about you. I want to know what you think about when you’re falling asleep. I want to know what songs you sing in the shower or what your favorite type of ice cream is or where your first kiss took place. I want to know it all and I won’t think any differently of you than I do now. It could only make me love you more, the more I know about you.” I said.

“So, you love me, huh?” He said excitedly, putting his face into my hair and nuzzling me.

“I do. I know that I’m difficult and I can be cold as f*ck. But I really care about you. You didn’t have to be so involved with my mom out there earlier, but you were. And it takes a genuinely good person to do the things you do. I love that about you. And I love the way you look. I love the way that we can both laugh at the stupidest things. I just…” I rambled on “I just love you. I love you”

“I love you, too.” He said, kissing my forehead.

“I hope that I make you want to stick around on Earth.” I said, mentally pleading.

“You do. I really get scared that you’re going to see me when I’m angry or really depressed and want to run.” He said softly.

“Well, hopefully I don’t do sh*t that pisses you off,” I laughed “But, no. Humans have emotions. Of all types and ranges. If you’re not aggressive towards me, it won’t change anything.”

“I couldn’t be. You make me think clearly. Like that day in school when you were going to rip Nicki’s ass apart. That made me furious that she would even attempt to f*ck with you, but I was calm as hell. I wanted to rip her f*cking head off myself, but I wanted you to feel better more than I wanted to gore her.” He said, leaning back on to the bed and putting his hands behind his head.

“God, I hate that bitch. I wish I could just stab a steak knife straight between her eyes until skull hit wooden handle.” I said, laying back and curling into him.

“Woah. That’s a little…morbid.” He laughed, a little harder than I had expected.

“If there are a million ways to kill a person, I’ve daydreamed about a million and one ways to kill Nicki.” I said, a lump forming in my throat just thinking about it.

“You really hate her that much?” He asked.

I let out a heavy sigh to release the tension building up from just thinking about her.

“Yeah. I do. I had a dream that I disintegrated her entire body in a huge barrel of acid in the school art room last week.” I said, “Right after homeroom.”

“Maybe you should see a therapist too.” Eric joked.

“I’d definitely get locked away if I went to a shrink talking about putting people in a vat of acid.” I shrugged.

“If you don’t mention specific names, they can’t do anything about it. Patient confidentiality only applies if they think you’re specifically targeting one person and you say their name. For example, if you just said, ‘I’d like to dunk someone mean into a barrel of acid’, they couldn’t do sh*t about it.”

“Wait…really?” I asked, shocked for a second.

“Yeah,” He laughed “They can’t do anything. Of course, I watch how I say things, but I’ve said some pretty f*cked up things to my therapist. In the beginning, before my meds started to work, I said stuff just to see if I could get a rise out of him. But, after a while I realized he just says, ‘Is that how you really feel?’ and moves on with the session.” He replied, matter of factly.

“Well, what kind of therapy is that? I guess if you really just want to get everything out, it’s helpful.” I said, thinking on the absurdity of a half assed therapist.

“Yeah, I guess. I remember trying to go to the guidance counselor at school about Nicki last year. It didn’t go so well. I was probably a fairly normal and happy person before high school.” I added.

“I probably was too. Well, my freshman year it started getting bad. I used to play soccer and sh*t, but I guess I just lost interest in it after getting sh*t on by people all the time.” He said, laying on his side and resting his chin on his hand.

“Is that how you really feel?” I said, mockingly.

Eric turned towards me, laying his head down on his folded arms, pools of hazel sparkling back at me. Heat rushed to my cheeks. I could spend all day with someone but rarely make eye contact. Usually, it was an uncomfortable trait of mine and I would avoid it at all costs. But, with him, I had begun to enjoy looking into his eyes. I wanted to know what he was thinking, and everyone said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I wanted to read his soul.

“Seriously, if you could get rid of Nicki, without getting in trouble, would you do it? Put some thought into it, do you really think you could do it?” He said, his eyes suddenly diverted to my comforter beneath us.

His fingers started to trace the threading weaved betwixt the fabric and stuffing of the blanket. I thought for a second, unsure how to answer appropriately. If I answered honestly and scared him away, I’d never forgive myself.

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to bide time on my answer.

“Well, if you could kill her and get away with doing it, would you do it?”

f*ck it. If I want to know everything about the way he thinks, he has a right to know everything that I think, even my darkest thoughts.

“Yeah. I would.” I said, flatly.

“How would you do it?” He asked, still not making eye contact with me.

“Personally, I think it would get me caught and put away forever. But I’d like to walk right up to her and shoot her straight in the unibrow. Something close combat, just to see the look on her stupid ass face.” I replied.
“Have you ever thought about a way that you couldn’t get caught?” He asked, finally looking over at my face.

“Not really. I hate her so much that I would want to watch her either die painfully and slowly, or something up close. I’d be truly disappointed if I found out she died in a stupid way, that I wasn’t around to see.” I said.

“But I know high school doesn’t last forever. The thing is, though, these people here do. What if I don’t get accepted into a college further away from here? What if I don’t get away from these people?” I added.

“I think you will go far. You’re smart and you’re pretty. If your brain doesn’t get you out of here, your face will.” Eric said.

“I doubt that.” I laughed, although inside I was slightly offended.

“I don’t mean that in a bad way, like you’d slu*t around to get somewhere in life. I just mean, people would give you jobs and chances because you’re gorgeous. You may not see it, but everyone else does. That’s why Nicki f*cks with you. She wishes she could be you.” He said.

“If that’s the case, then why do people treat me badly now?” I asked, putting my face down into one of the pillows on my bed.

“Because mankind f*cking sucks and deserves to die. If I could, I’d bioengineer a virus that just killed everyone, except for like ten people. No decent person ever gets the respect or treatment they deserve.” He said, rubbing my back.

“I just wish she’d disappear without consequences to my life. As much as I’d like to off her, I want her to just be erased off the surface of the Earth more. Poof, nothing left. No trace of Nicki and her sh*tty actions.”

“If I could grant wishes, I’d do that for you. Or, if I could just murder people and still be with you.” Eric replied, laughing.

“We could do conjugal visits in jail. Does Colorado do that?” I said, turning over away from him.

He pulled me over to him and squeezed me tightly. The conversation had gone over better than I had expected and as morbid as it was, I was starting to think talking about things I normally wouldn’t could be the key to feeling close to another human being. Something I hadn’t felt in years. It seemed Eric had a way of bringing things out of me.

I pulled the curtain back on the window close to my bed and tucked it beside of the bed post.

“I hate this snow. I can’t do anything fun.” He said, nuzzling into my neck.

“It’s not fun laying in bed with me in the middle of a snowstorm?” I joked.

“That’s not what I meant.” He sighed, “You know that.”

Staring out the window, I could see the snow had slowly started to let up. A few clumping flurries here and there but it was mostly rain now.

“What plans do you have tomorrow?” I asked, my eyes getting heavy.
“You mean if I can make it out of your front door?” He laughed.

I nodded, fighting to keep my eyes open.

“Will you stay in bed with me until I fall asleep?” I asked, stifling a yawn.

“Yeah, get comfy. I’ll be here. If you wake up and can’t find me, I went to the guest bedroom.” He said, smoothing my hair out of my face.

“Okay.” I said, closing my eyes as he pulled the comforter over both of us.

Almost instantly, I drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 12: Rumors Follow Everywhere You Go

Chapter Text

I woke up to the bright sun shining directly at my face, seemingly amplified by the glass pane of my window. A headache forming between my brows as I slowly came to consciousness, I pushed the heavy comforter off me and over the edge of the bed. I was sweating profusely, and the sheets were soaked. I slowly opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. I felt f*cking awful. Not mentally, physically. My body ached and my face felt like it was filled with sand.

“MOM!” I yelled, clearing my throat afterwards.

I could hear the living room television on some sort of talk show, I assume from the laugh track, stern male voice, and applause I was hearing. I sighed heavily and covered my eyes with my arm. She’ll never hear me over Jerry Springer.

“Mom!” I tried again.

A knock from outside my door. Thank f*cking God.

“Please come in!” I said, exasperated.

“What’s wrong sweetie?!” My mom said, rushing into my room.

“Mom, I don’t feel good.” I said, curling into a fetal position.

“You’re burning up.” She said, putting her hand to my forehead.

“Where’s Eric?” I asked, suddenly remembering falling asleep beside him last night.

“He’s shoveling his driveway out with your father. They’ll be back soon.” She replied.

“Did he make it to the guest room last night?” I asked, turning my head away from her.

“No, but I woke him up before your father got up. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m going to go get something for your fever baby, I’ll be back in a minute.” She said, quickly leaving the room, the door left wide open behind her.

My heart swelled slightly in my chest, knowing Eric had fallen asleep beside me. I hope I hadn’t gotten him sick with whatever was going on with me. I hoped more he didn’t see me in all my sweaty congested glory. As quickly as she had left, my mother came back to my bed side with a cup of water, medicine and a thermometer. I sat up in bed and took the cup of water from her.

“Open up and put it under your tongue.” Mom said, jamming the thermometer in my direction.

“Yuck, Mom.” I said, with the thermometer under my tongue.

“You get sick every spring. It was really warm and then got really cold the other night when y’all went to the movies, I bet you didn’t wear a coat.” Mom lectured, waiting for the thermometer to beep.

I held my finger up in the air at her, signaling for her to wait until I could talk. The thermometer beeped rapidly.

“101.7 Kiddo. You probably have the flu. Is your stomach upset?” She said handing me the cold medicine.

“No. And I wore Eric’s sweater the other night. He didn’t wear anything, and he isn’t sick. That’s not how people get sick Mom, people get sick from germs and viruses.” I said, swallowing the medicine with a drink of water.

“If they can clear our driveway out and the main road, I will take you to the emergency room this evening. There’s a good six feet of snow outside and it’s impacted and frozen from the rain this morning. Just try to get some rest sweetie.” My mom said, patting me on the head.
“What if I get bored, Mom?” I whined.

“If you get bored, I’ll plug your modem in for your computer. I don’t want you getting everyone else sick if it is the flu.” She said sternly, closing the door behind her.

I rolled back over towards my bedroom window and stared out at the warm blank whiteness of my neighborhood. The sun reflecting against the ice hurt my eyes, but I stared out at the silence of everything. No kids riding bikes, no old people sitting on their porches, no moms standing around in their driveway gossiping. Just pure peace. Across the block, I could see two small figures shoveling snow. Probably Eric and my father. I started to get drowsy once again and dozed off, thinking of the awkward conversations my father was probably having with Eric.

“Hey, Alex. Are you awake?” I heard from behind me.

I rolled over sleepily to see a bundled-up Eric standing beside my bed. I rubbed by eyes and looked down at his feet.

“You’re wearing coveralls and no shoes; you look so funny.” I said, yawning.

“Wow. Sick and rude today. I thought it was a charming ensemble myself.” He said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“You’re always charming.” I said, fighting to keep my eyes open.

“I wanted to come in and check on you before I went home. Your mom said your temperature is almost 102. She’s going to take you to the doctor later.” He said, smoothing a hand over my messy hair.

“Yup. That’s what she said.” I replied, nodding my head.

Eric was silent for a moment and then laughed.

“You’re falling asleep on me.” He said, patting my back.

“Yup.” I laughed, “I’m sorry. I feel like my head is a giant balloon trying to float away.”

“Did your mom give you medicine yet?” He asked, seeming concerned.

“Uh huh. When I woke up. Wait, why aren’t you sick?” I said, staring up at him.

“Who knows,” He laughed, “Maybe I have a good immune system. I’m surprised, I fell asleep in here last night. Your mom woke me up at 7 this morning.”

“I knew you were going to fall asleep with me. It was worth whatever trouble we would have gotten in.” I said.

“I doubt it would have been much. Your mom just wants to see you happy and your dad really likes me, he talked to me the whole time we were outside. He worries about you.” Eric said, seemingly amused by how well my parents took to him already.
“Don’t get too comfortable. They’re unpredictable. Usually when they’re ignoring each other they’re fine, but when they’re fighting, they hate everyone else too.” I said, pushing my face into my pillow.

“I think I’ll be fine. If you like me, I honestly don’t give a f*ck who else does.”

I knew he couldn’t see my face, but I was grinning into my pillow.

“Ditto.” I said, muffled by the pillow.

“Ditto?” He asked, sighing heavily.

“As long as I like me, I don’t give a f*ck.” I joked, rolling over towards him.

“Oh god, did they lobotomize you while I was asleep?” He joked back, “Sit up here.”

I stretched heavily and then sat up, folding my hands into my lap.

“As you wish.” I said, smiling smugly at myself.

He laughed and pulled me into a hug, my body not quite reciprocating back in a timely manner. The bulk of his coveralls and my weakness from being sick made it difficult, but eventually I squeezed him back.

“Did you get your car shoveled out?” I asked, face pressed to his chest.
“Yeah, I thought I was going to have to use a flamethrower to tunnel it out. I don’t know how far I’d get if they don’t finish the main roads, though.” He said.

“Do you have plans today?” I asked, starting to get tired again.

“Dylan’s supposed to come over tonight. Probably just play some DOOM until then and watch a couple movies. He wants to talk to me about something.” He answered back, finally loosening his embrace.

“Sounds fun. Tell him I said hi.” I said, slowly slinking down to Eric’s lap.

“Will you call me after you go to the doctor?” He asked.

“Yeah. What if they say I’m dying?” I said.

“Guess I’ll have to come rescue you and plan our double suicide.” He answered, sarcastically.

“You wouldn’t.” I laughed, pushing at him.

“Would too.” He insisted, laughing.

“Keep your house phone with you and I’ll call as soon as I get back home.” I said.

We said our goodbyes for the day, deciding not to kiss to prevent from spreading my cold to him and I snuggled back into bed awaiting my mom to wake me and take me to the emergency room.

Eric sat in his room, sprawled out on his bed with his shoes on, staring at his ceiling. It had been almost an hour since Dylan called saying he was leaving his house, yet he hadn’t arrived. The snowplows didn’t usually worry about plowing outside of city limits if it wasn’t a workday, so Dylan was probably just being extra cautious.

Eric knew exactly what Dylan wanted to talk about, yet he’d been delaying the conversation for the past few weeks. He knew that NBK was coming quickly and that the past couple of weeks with Alex had complicated things. He laid there, eerily still, thinking deeply on everything. It was Dylan’s idea, after all, for him to start trying harder to check off everything on his bucket list. And getting laid was one of the things at the top of that list. Naturally, he’d spent the past few months emotionally distancing himself from everyone around him. Even designating time to dwell on his hatred for every flaw and annoyance in the human beings around him every day.

Alex was supposed to be an easy target. Admitting this now made him feel unbearably guilty. Deceiving his other friends, acquaintances, parents, and brother were easy. He felt they did the same to him every day. But he made the mistake of humanizing Alex the first day that they’d hung out together, when they’d broken into the administration’s office. Now he felt obligated to something. To someone. Now he felt like all those loose ends he had tied up were unraveling and out of control and he was dangling amongst the threads. Now he felt badly instead of just furious and sh*t on. He knew he had royally f*cked up. He wasn’t going to get out of this with rage alone, as he’d planned.

“Hey f*ck face.” Dylan said outside of Eric’s bedroom door.

“One second.” Eric said, hopping up and unlocking his door.

Dylan slunk into the door, his feet seeming like they never touched the carpet beneath them. He was obviously drunk. Dylan was rarely sloppy in anything he done in life. But after a fifth of vodka, his body language became less fluent and he emanated carelessness.

“You’re sh*tfaced.” Eric said, annoyed, as he laid back down on his bed.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I did it in your driveway. I didn’t drive all the way over here drunk.” Dylan said, flopping down in the recliner in the room.

“Smooth move, Exlax. I’m surprised my dad let you in.” Eric said, sighing heavily.

“They always let me in.” Dylan said, smiling smugly.

“Lucky you. They seem to like everyone better than me.” Eric replied, putting his arm over his face to cover his eyes.

Images of Alex flashed before Eric, inside his head. Her asleep last night. Her standing in the doorway of the storage room at her house with snowflakes covering her hair and sticking to her long eyelashes. Her in the theater, eyes closed with his hand between her legs. He quickly took his arm off his eyes and jolted up in bed.

“Jesus f*cking Christ.” Eric said, kicking his boots off over the side of the bed.

“What?” Dylan asked, completely clueless.

“I don’t know dude. I have my own head all f*cked up right now.” Eric said, frustrated with himself.

He stood up off the bed and paced the room, Dylan’s eyes lazily following him from right to left across the floor.

“Because you f*cked around like I told you not to do.” Dylan said, flatly.

“No! You f*cking told me to do the sh*t I wanted to do before NBK came. You! I was fine to f*cking say I missed out on a few things and go out with a bang! I told you there wasn’t a god damned thing I would miss on this f*cking planet and now look. Just f*cking look!” Eric said, his voice raising with each sentence.

“I didn’t tell you to fall in love with the first piece of puss* that gave you attention.” Dylan said, holding his hands up in defense.

“Don’t call her that, man. Just f*cking don’t. I know you don’t like her, and you don’t f*cking have to, but don’t be a f*cking pig about it. It’s bad enough I’m on the path to being the single most sh*t person in her life, we don’t have to sh*t talk her behind her back to top it all off.” Eric said, finally running out of steam.

“Well, it’s not like she can hear us.” Dylan replied.
“Well no f*cking sh*t. But I can and it makes me feel like f*cking trash. It makes me feel like I’m nothing better than any of these other f*cking assholes around here, hopping from girl to girl and bragging about it.” Eric said, walking over to a shelf in his room.

“Well, it’s not like you’re f*cking every girl you see. So, you’re not like them. You’ll never be like them.” Dylan said, sitting up straighter in the recliner.

“No, I’m going to be worse.” Eric retorted, picking up a coffee can from the shelf.

“We’re going to be worse no matter how we do this.” Dylan said flatly.

“I don’t care about how anybody else on this f*cking planet thinks of me after everything is said and done. But,” Eric started, “I don’t want her to have to suffer for the sh*t I’m going to do. I don’t want her life to be worse because of me. It’s already not that f*cking great.”

“Oh bullsh*t. Her parents have one of the nicest houses on the block. Her dad’s a f*cking investment banker. Boo f*cking hoo, don’t tell me she plays poor little rich girl and you eat that sh*t up.” Dylan said, becoming angry.

Eric looked over at Dylan, and if looks could kill they wouldn’t have needed to plan NBK at all. Dylan visibly became uncomfortable and regretted his accusations.

“No.” Eric stated, “She doesn’t. For your information, Mr. Know-it-all. People’s houses and jobs don’t make a god damned bit of difference when their kids get treated like sh*t here. You should f*cking know that. How many times has your mom worked with some f*ckhead we know from school’s sibling or little cousin? How many f*cking times has that sh*t made a f*cking difference? You think anyone here respects me because my dad won a few f*cking medals and can fly a f*cking plane? Don’t be so god damned stupid, Vodka.”

Dylan started to apologize.

“Don’t. If sorry worked, we wouldn’t need the police.” Eric spat.

Dylan looked down at his hands and fiddled with the ring on his finger. Alcohol had clouded his thoughts, but Eric cleared the clouds away with his little rant. Dylan tried to think of something he would miss after he was gone. Would his soul, or spirit, or essence, or whatever the f*ck was left, be able to miss anything? His thoughts become heavy and he reclined the chair and put his hat over his face, feigning drowsiness.

“You better not f*cking fall asleep on me. We have 25 more pipe bombs to make. I’m not packing gun powder all night while you sleep off your buzz.” Eric said, spreading a wide piece of plastic on to the floor in front of him.

“I know.” Dylan said, his words muffled by his hat.

Eric gathered the materials they would need from the various hiding places in his bedroom and sat them on the plastic tarp. He knew Dylan wasn’t asleep, because if he were, he would be snoring horribly. But he ignored him, as if he were, and got to assembling the first pipe bomb of the evening. He thought if he kept his hands busy, he would be able to keep his mind busy.

Eric had developed a habit of dissociating from people early on in his life. If someone was cruel to him or got in his way, it was easy to convince himself that person didn’t exist anymore or that the person wasn’t even a person at all. Mentally, he knew his peers lacked emotional cognitive ability in comparison to himself. Physically though, he had always felt less than. He didn’t always focus on his own flaws, but if he focused on someone else’s flaws it made things a lot easier on himself, on a daily basis. But when he and Dylan had decided to really go through with NBK he began looking past the flaws of all the assholes around him. Why dwell on something if you truly believe you’re going to eliminate the problem or it won’t truly change how you feel about people either way, right? So, it always made a full circle back to him and ended up as self-loathing. Eric knew what an oxymoron that made his way of thinking. To simultaneously be above yet below everyone around you, yet never truly settling on that middle ground between the two. It was already mentally Hell to wake up every day and feel that way. But, before Alex, Eric counted down the days until he could end that Hell by creating his own physically. He was secretly ecstatic knowing that one day, very soon, people will feel the way he did. People would feel that panic and mistrust. They’d feel that sense of instability he felt while in those very same hallways at school. But most of all, they’d f*cking know when it came down to it, every single other person was only out for themselves. He silently prided himself on knowing that when his bombs started going off, the staff wouldn’t be searching for uppity religious bitches to protect. The coaches of sports teams wouldn’t be scrambling to find jocks in trouble. The teachers wouldn’t have anything sly to say to him or Dylan at all, because for once they would be the Gods at school. For a day, they would be at the top of the food chain. It was just as simple as building a few bombs and then picking the sons of bitches off as they crawled out of the exits, crippled and trampling each other. It was going to be like a game of sitting ducks you play at the carnival. Or, like playing DOOM, only with the ‘I’m too young to die’ skill setting on.

“Alright dickhe*d, I’m ready.” Dylan said, suddenly breaking Eric’s train of thought.

“I’m almost done this one. Just wait until I start another one.” Eric said, pushing the PVC plastic end cap on.

“Look, I really am sorry about what I said. I don’t know. I can’t take full responsibility about you and Alex but I’m sorry it’s worked out this way. I feel the same about my mom. She’s a good person, she doesn’t deserve what this f*cking town is going to give her after I’m done.” Dylan said, his voice low.

“Yeah.” Eric said, being deliberately short of words.

“But I hope after it’s all said and done, people might be different. Maybe they’ll see where that bullsh*t has got them. And maybe if we make it clear enough that people who gave a sh*t about us at some point, had nothing to do with it, then maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe we’ll get lucky and just pluck every asshole out of every family that day, and it’ll soften some of these c*nts up.” Dylan suggested.

“That’s a way to think about it. But it doesn’t make me any less of an asshole.” Eric said, wrapping the pipe bomb in an old T-shirt and putting it into a duffel bag.

“Yeah but blowing up the school already will make us both assholes. So why worry about it now?” Dylan said, sitting on the other side of the tarp and unlacing his boots.

“True. I just hope she doesn’t suffer any more than she has to when I’m gone. I swear, if I can just kill that duck faced Nicki bitch on that day, I’ll have made Alex’s life 100% better and I’ll probably feel better about it all again.” Eric said, assembling another open-ended set of plastic pipe.

“Maybe that’s why sh*t worked out this way then. You’re meant to do something good for her in life and that’s exactly it.” Dylan said, taking his coat off and tossing it up on the bed.

“You’re always weird as f*ck about sh*t like that. What if I have no purpose in this life or the next? What if I’m just a test and trial in her life instead? And she chose the wrong option and now she’d doomed to be worse off because of it? Because of me.” Eric said, his face twisting in determination as he pressed the first layer of powder into the pipe.

“I don’t know, man. I just think there’s got to be something more than this bullsh*t. More than this sh*tty little existence on Earth. Things happen for a reason, for some reason. I don’t think coincidence is that strong if nothing is a higher power than mankind itself.” Dylan said, taking the pipe bomb from Eric.

“I don’t know. I swear everything I do or see or read or hear, it all leads me back to NBK. It’s my destiny. Our destiny. And I mean everything. I was asleep last night, and Alex started talking in her sleep, it woke my ass up. I just laid there in the dark, kind of waiting to hear what she was saying.” Eric said, stopping what he was doing and looking up at the ceiling.

“What’d she say? That’s creepy as f*ck.” Dylan said, not looking up as he shoved more gunpowder down the pipe.

“She said,” Eric started, “It’s all over now. This capped it off. The point of no return.”

“What’s that mean? Why’s that weird?” Dylan said, glancing up at Eric.

“Don’t make fun of me or I swear to God I’ll punch you square in the dick. But that’s something I wrote down. Kind of like a journal entry. I swear on my f*cking dog I never told her anything about that sh*t. But she said it. I thought I was dreaming or hearing sh*t. But she’d take a deep breath, almost like a heavy sigh, and make this sound like she was going to cry. And she’d say the sh*t again. I woke her up eventually. But she didn’t feel good and would fall right back to sleep. I was going to go to the guest bedroom where I was supposed to sleep just to get away from it, but she sounded scared. Or something. I don’t know.” Eric said, his face falling.

Dylan didn’t say anything at first. He thought for a minute Eric was probably making sh*t up to spook him. Maybe he wanted to creep him out or he was joking. But, watching Eric’s face after a few seconds, Dylan realized he wasn’t. He seemed visibly distressed by what he had just told him.

“That’s f*cked up. Are you sure you didn’t tell her anything about NBK?” Dylan said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah man. I can’t. I mean, I wouldn’t. I usually let her talk. Or well, I was trying to at first. I didn’t want to talk about myself. Because I didn’t want to like her like her. But I don’t know. I get comfortable and we talk about a lot of sh*t until she falls asleep usually. But I know I’ve never said anything about what we’re going to do.” Eric said, standing up and stretching.

“I don’t know. That’s just f*cking weird. You lucky asshole. You would get the psychic bitch. Well, not lucky for us.” Dylan said, finally laughing and breaking the awkwardness of the conversation.

“Yeah, I don’t know about all that.” Eric laughed, “If that were the case, she would have stopped talking to me the first day. Or avoided me when I went to her work.”
“You’re lucky either way, though. She’s pretty and she’s smart. And she’s not a complete f*cking c*nt like all these other bitches.” Dylan said, seemingly distracted for a minute.

“Oh, shut up, I know you want to f*ck her too.” Eric said, throwing a plastic end cap at Dylan.

“You’re not even f*cking her yet.” Dylan retorted as he caught the cap.

“Hey, I made it to third base at the movies!” Eric said, defensively.

“No, you didn’t.” Dylan said, not looking up as he pushed the cap onto the end of the pipe to seal it.

“Bullsh*t bitch, I did too. You’re just jealous.” Eric laughed.

“She didn’t even touch you back stupid, that’s not third base.” Dylan said, sticking the finished bomb into the duffel bag.

“Yes, it is, fa*ggot!” Eric insisted.

“If you say so.” Dylan said shrugging.

“Oh f*ck, the phone’s ringing. Alex is supposed to call after she gets home from the doctor. I bet that’s her.” Eric said, unlocking his door.

Before Dylan could say anything else, Eric had already run out the door and locked it behind him. Dylan took his hat off and threw it over to his coat and laid back on the floor.

Chapter 13: Like When You Left, and I Was Last to Know

Chapter Text

I had gotten home from the emergency room around 10 pm and the first thing that was on my mind was to call Eric since I was starting to feel better. My mom, worried about my Influenza type B diagnosis, forced me to eat and drink and take some medication before I could use the phone. I grabbed a cup of orange juice and ran to my room, sitting at my desk and dialing Eric’s number as quickly as I could. My heart raced waiting for him to answer.

“Hello?” He answered, his voice lower than normal.

“Well that sounded enthusiastic.” I joked.

“Sorry baby, I’m exhausted.” He replied, heaving a heavy sigh on the other end of the line.

“I’m sorry.” I said, instantly feeling that something was off.

“What did they say at the hospital?” He asked.

“I have Influenza. Type B. I’m contagious. But I’m feeling better, somewhat.” I said, going over to my bed and kicking my shoes off beside of it.

“At least you’re feeling better. That’s what counts.” He replied.

I could hear him closing a door softly over the receiver.
“HI ALEX!” I heard someone call in the background.

“Is that Dylan?” I asked, laughing softly.

“Yeah, he’s trashed.” Eric said, seemingly annoyed.

I can understand why he sounds frustrated now.

“Oh, okay. Tell him I said hi.” I said.

“No. He sucks. Just talk to me.” Eric laughed.

“Gladly. I miss you.” I said, laying back on my bed.

“How much?” He asked, his voice falling quieter again.

“More than anything right now.” I sighed.

“I’m only about a block away.” He replied.

“That’s the worst part.” I whined jokingly.

“Do you want me to come over?” He asked.

“I do but I don’t want you to get sick.” I said, crawling under my comforter.
“It doesn’t matter if I get sick.” Eric said sternly.

“What kind of girlfriend would I be knowingly infecting you with the flu?” I asked, a little surprised.

“You should have someone with you tonight to keep an eye on you.” He replied, sounding like he was trying to convince me.

“I’m not helpless.” I laughed.

“I know this. But I really want to see you. Spending the night just made it more difficult to be away from you.” He said quietly.

“Would your dad even let you out right now?” I asked.

“Who says he would have to know? Vodka’s here, he wouldn’t expect me to leave right now.”

“What about him though? He came to spend the night with you.” I replied.

“We did what we had to do. He’s barely conscious.” Eric said laughing.

“Hey! I heard that!” Dylan yelled weakly in the background.

“Do you care if I go see Alex for a little bit?” I heard Eric ask Dylan.

“No, go ahead. I’m getting in your bed though; I can’t take this recliner anymore.” I heard Dylan reply.

“If Dad knocks on the door or anything are you going to cover for me?” I could hear Eric ask.

“Yeah, I’ll tell him you’re in the sh*tter or asleep.” I heard Dylan reply.

“Did you hear that?” Eric asked me,

“Yeah, I did. You should come through my window; I think most of the snow melted off the veranda. Mom was already guilting me that I probably got you sick.” I said, nervous about sneaking him in for the second time.

“Okay honey bunny, I’ll see you in fifteen minutes. Unlock your window.” He replied.

“Okay, I’m under my blankets, I’m starting to get chills again.” I said before hanging up the receiver.

I got up and unlocked the window and then yelled out of my bedroom door to my parents.

“I’m going to bed! I love you guys!”

I heard my father grumble a “love you too” and my mother called “Goodnight baby”. I closed my door and locked it behind me. I tapped my lamp twice to dim the light on the nightstand beside of me before changing into my bed clothes and hopping into bed.

I laid in bed anxious and shivering for 14 minutes before I heard my window slide up.

“You’re right on time.” I said, my head still under the blanket.

I could hear Eric laugh softly as he shuffled around taking his boots off and closing my window. I rolled over and pulled the covers down to look at him in the dim light of my room. As he took his coat off and tossed it over the back of my desk chair, I could see he had on jeans and a long-sleeved white t shirt underneath of a black KMFDM shirt.

“You look great. What’s KMFDM stand for?” I asked, slowly realizing how awful I must look after being sick all day.

“It’s only the greatest f*cking band on Earth. Kein Mehrheit Für Die Mitleid. It’s German, for no pity for the majority. Well, kind of. It’s not grammatically correct.” He said, rubbing his hands together to warm them up before crawling under my comforter and wrapping his arms around me.

“Oh, I’ve never heard of them. That’s a good life motto though, sort of.” I said, putting my arms around him and burying my face into his shirt.

“You’re really hot babe.” He said, pulling back and looking at me.

“Thanks.” I said jokingly.

“No, I mean, you’re hot but you’re also burning up. I can feel heat radiating from you through two shirts.” He said, brushing my hair out of my face.

“I took Tylenol a little while ago, it should bring my fever down soon.” I said, trying to reassure him that I felt fine.

“They probably shouldn’t have sent you home from the emergency room.” He said, pressing his chin to my forehead.

“I’ll be fine, hush. Just cuddle me. I feel so cold.” I said, trying to stifle a shiver.

“Okay, but you’re like a human sized heating pad.” He whispered.

“You could always take some of those clothes off.” I suggested.

“Geesh. Pervert. Fever of 105 degrees and you’re still trying to ravish me.” He joked.

“I would ravish you without a fever. It’s the fever stifling my efforts right now.” I joked back.

We both laid silent for a minute. I could feel my own heartbeat in my entire body but could hear his in his chest. It was oddly comforting.

“How did your visit from Dylan go?” I asked, breaking the silence.

Eric sighed heavily.
“Well, he showed up drunk and irritated me. That’s about the gist of it.” He said.

“That sucks. What’s wrong with him? Why would he drive all the way over here on snowy roads sh*tfaced?” I asked, realizing how alarming that was.

“He said he didn’t. He says he drank a fifth in my driveway before coming inside. I don’t know what is wrong with him. Sometimes he’s weird.”

“Maybe something is bothering him? That’s not normal behavior for him is it? He seems so well put together in school.” I said, obviously concerned.

“He’ll be fine.” Eric stated softly.

“If you say so. He isn’t my friend, but I could tell you were irritated on the phone, that’s why I asked.” I said.

“It’s okay. I just can’t really explain it. He’s going through a lot lately, I guess. He’s lonely as f*ck, for one.” Eric said, nuzzling against me.

“Is he jealous? Of us?” I ask, wanting an honest answer.

“Not really. He thinks I’m foolish. But I don’t think he’s jealous.” Eric replied flatly, a hint of disdain in his voice.

“Oh. Is it me? I know I’m not the…” I started.

“Shh. No. Don’t think that way. It’s not you. It’s nothing about you. He thinks you’re far too good for me if anything. But what does he know, huh?” Eric said, sliding his hands up the back of my night shirt.

“That tickles.” I said, in a hushed tone, trying to squirm away from him.

He laughed and hushed me, reminding me that I was supposed to be alone in my room. I made a motion like I was zipping my mouth shut and throwing away the key.

“You’re such a little weirdo, I swear.” He said, trying not to laugh.

“You make me weird.” I said, trying to become serious.

I closed my eyes for a second, the heat of my blankets and fever were starting to make me dizzy. I felt as if I had been drinking as the room spun around me. I quickly opened my eyes again, trying to ease the swirling feeling.

“Are you okay?” Eric asked, a look of concern on his face.

“Yeah, I’m just a little dizzy, and starting to get hot.” I said, pushing the blanket down off us.

“Take your pants off. And socks.” Eric said, sitting up beside me.

“You don’t have to ask me twice.” I said as he rolled his eyes at me.

I took my socks and pants off and tossed them over the bottom of the bed.

“I’m just going to get cold again.” I complained.

“Roll over, I’ll give you a back rub. That should make you feel better somewhat.” He commanded.

“Sir, yes Sir.” I said, rolling over on to my stomach.

He straddled my legs from the back and pulled the back of my shirt up to my shoulders. Goosebumps started to form on my hips and arms. No one had ever rubbed my back before or massaged me in any way, it was a strange feeling. Pinned beneath him from the back.

“Sorry. I have goosebumps.” I said, putting my head down into my arms.

“It’s okay.” He said, putting his hands on my shoulders and massaging them softly.

“I’ve never gotten a massage before.” I said, turning my head to attempt to look at him.

“I’m checking off all the boxes for being first for you, huh?” He said, grinning smugly.

“Yeah, I guess so. Don’t get too full of yourself though. After this, I’m going to get massages from ALL of the boys now.” I said sarcastically.

“You’re a terrible person, you know that?” Eric laughed, moving his way down to the middle of my back.

“Yeah, I know. It’s the best thing about me.” I joked.

“Impossible. These are.” He said, sliding his hands over my ribs and around to my boobs.

“Oh my God, you’re the terrible person now.” I said, trying to grab his hands playfully and push them away.

“Just kidding. I like all of you, not just your tit*.” He said, sliding his hands back to my back.

“I would surely hope so. If you just wanted to see my boobs you could have just asked on day one, I would have showed you.” I said, lowering my voice.

“No, you wouldn’t have.” He said, applying harder pressure to my lower back and moving down to my hips.

“For you, I would have.” I said, closing my eyes again.

“Liar. You never noticed me until I basically kidnapped you from work.” He whispered.

“I noticed you. I’ve just spent so much time in my own head I never humanized you. Or thought you would be interested in talking to me.” I said softly.
“I can’t believe that.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“You should. How would we be here, right now, if I hadn’t noticed you at all in the past 4 years we’ve went to school together?” I said, turning my head over my shoulder to look at him again.

His eyebrows furrowed as he looked slightly puzzled, or determined, I couldn’t really tell.

“Or do you think I’m just easy and would let just anyone who showed me attention into my bedroom numerous times?” I said, honestly wanting an answer.

“No, I don’t think that at all Alex. But what makes me so special?” He asked, looking up from my back to meet my eyes.

“There are a lot of special things about you. But I feel instantly comfortable around you. Most people disgust me in some way, shape, or form. You don’t. I could tell that from the first time we hung out. I feel like we’ve known each other. Not just in school or something. It sounds stupid to explain it.” I said, feeling like I was already mentally exhausted from thinking about it.

“I know what you mean. I don’t know why, but I knew I had to try to talk to you before it was too late.” He said, suddenly stopping the massage.

I thought for a second on what “too late” could mean, but with this being our senior year, I think I already knew. I rolled over beneath him, my hands covering my chest.

“What if I wouldn’t have talked to you?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t have been surprised. I’m used to rejection.” He said, placing his hands against my stomach.

“You would have tried to talk to someone else?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“We always come back to that question, don’t we?” He sighed, “No. I mean, the past few years yeah, I have tried to talk to a ton of girls. But I didn’t really click with them. A lot of them didn’t even give me the chance to. It’s not that you were the only one to give me a chance. I just…”

I tried not to make eye contact; I somehow always found a way to make myself feel badly.

“I wanted to try one last time. One time with someone I really liked. To make it count. I have plans of going to the Marines after graduation. I thought about it and I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I left and didn’t try to talk to the one girl my thoughts always come back to. You. You weren’t a last resort, or easy. It just took me years to get the balls to talk to you. You’re pretty f*cking intimidating.” He said, sighing heavily as he dropped his arms down beside of himself.

“Oh, shut up. I am not.” I said, honestly confused on why I would come off that way.

“You are. You don’t f*ck with anyone. You don’t seem interested in having friends or gossiping or talking to every guy with a f*cking varsity jacket on. You’re you and you seem to be okay with that. That’s intimidating. I thought you might be a lesbo honestly.” He said.
“No, you didn’t Eric!” I exclaimed.

He laughed softly and then sighed, seeming exhausted on the topic.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to stress you out. I’m f*cking crazy sometimes I guess.” I said, covering my eyes.

“No, it’s okay. I want you to know this stuff and know that I mean it.” He said, grabbing my hands.

“I hate being so insecure. I wish I could read minds.” I said.

“You’d hate me if you read my mind. Or be afraid of me.” He said, pinning my hands above my head.

“I don’t think you could do or think anything to scare me.” I whispered.

“You severely underestimate me.” He said, leaning over me.

The closer our lips got the further away my thoughts traveled. He kissed me once, not letting go of my hands above my head.

“Think of it this way, in every single scenario, the worst-case scenario is ultimately death. And I want to die just as badly as the next directionless depressed teenager. If you would kill me, I’d die happily.” I whispered into his ear as he made kisses down my neck and to my chest.

“How are you so normal but so entirely f*cked up at the same time?” He mumbled into my skin.

“Nihilism and Drama 101.” I laughed.

“Do I make you happy enough to want to live? You’re not a nihilist if you care about me.” He asked, letting go of my hands.

“True. But you do. When we’re together. When I’m alone I just want to stop all my thoughts. Completely. I just want to cease to exist.” I said, sighing heavily.

“I’ll pretend that doesn’t offend me.” Eric replied, placing his hands over my breasts.

“I’m sorry.” I said, moving my hips slightly to press against him.

“Stop apologizing.” He said, still focused on my body and not my face.

“That makes me want to say sorry again.” I said rubbing my hands over his hair.

He rests his chin between my boobs and looks up at me.

“Your fever has come down some.” He said.

“Yeah,” I replied, “I’m starting to feel better.”
“Are you tired?” He asked, seeming to give me puppy dog eyes.

I shake my head no. I’m not tired at all. If anything, I’m more awake than I have been all day. Sleep is the last thing on my mind now.

“No. But tell me how fair it is that I’ve been laying here almost completely naked for an hour, but you haven’t even taken one of your shirts off.” I said, pretending to be annoyed.

He crinkled his nose up at me and laid his head to the side, still on my chest.

“I don’t like taking my shirt off.” He said, staring off at the wall.

“Why not?” I ask, suddenly becoming serious.

”I have this thing. It’s not liked an extra nipple or an extremely long chest hair or anything weird like that. I had a couple surgeries for it growing up, but it didn’t fix it completely. People used to always f*ck with me about it in the locker room.” He said, barely above a whisper.

“Eric, look at me.” I said, pulling his head over so he was looking at me, “I love you for you. You could have a tentacle growing where you’re supposed to have nipples and I would find it sexy as hell.”

He tried not to laugh and just shook his head.

“Do you think I’d be mean to you about it or something?” I asked, honestly feeling a little upset.
“Not exactly.” He said slowly.

“Well, all of these times that we have been in my bed and you didn’t take your shirt off, it was because of that?” I ask, my hands still on the sides of his face.

“I’m just really insecure about it. I don’t like feeling vulnerable about sh*t, You’re so perfect physically.” He said, rubbing his hands up the sides of my ribs.

“You’re perfect to me. Seriously. You are like a f*cking God in my eyes, okay?” I pleaded.

“Well, if you put it that way.” He said, smiling into my skin.

“Is that why you haven’t tried to f*ck me yet?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh hell no. I just don’t want to pressure you to do anything if you don’t want to.” He replied.

“Well, take your shirts off and let’s get under the blanket. I’m getting cold now.” I said gruffly.

“I can tell.” He said, brushing his hand across my nipple.

I rolled away from him teasingly, pushing him off me and onto his side of the bed. Suddenly we both hear shuffling across the carpet in the hallway outside of my bedroom door.
“Shhh…” I warned, quickly putting my hand over my own mouth.

Eric’s eyes grew wide and he froze for a second. I quickly grabbed the blankets and pulled them over my bare chest.

“Lexi? Are you still up baby?” I heard my mom call softly from outside my door.

I looked at Eric and shook my head no, vigorously. No way in hell was I replying and then having to let her into my room right now. There was literally nowhere possible I could hide a full other human being if I even wanted to.

It felt like an eternity before I heard her footsteps retreat down the hallway and towards the storage room. Tonight, I had an excuse not to go running after her. For what it’s worth, I was fairly sure that she didn’t want to talk and was just checking to see if I were awake so she could sneak away for some peace and quiet and a couple cigarettes.

“Oh God, that was close.” I mouthed silently to Eric.

“How mad do you think your mom would be if she knew I was in here?” He whispered.

“She would be mad at me and probably shame me about getting you sick. Now if my dad knew I keep sneaking you into my room at night, he would probably be fairly upset with you. He really thinks you guys bonded.” I whispered back.

“We did. He’s my new best friend. f*ck Dylan, it’s just me and Gene now. He said he’s going to hook me up with some MILFs from his hunting club.” He joked, still not speaking over a whisper.

“Stop, that’s so weird.” I said, shoving him.

He pretended he was going to fall backwards off the bed, and I grabbed him by the arm.

“Come here you goofball.” I said, pulling at his sleeve.

He rolled over on top of me and pinned me down once again. It was starting to feel like we were playing a game of cat and mouse, except I was consistently the mouse.

“Give me this.” I said, pulling his black shirt up over his head.

He lifted his arms to help me pull it off and I tossed it on the floor beside the bed. He sighed as I tugged at the white shirt now.

“Come on baby, it’s just me.” I said, pulling him downwards into a kiss.

My persuasion worked seamlessly. I pulled the white shirt off and tossed it to the floor. He leaned up off me and turned his head away from me for a second. I traced my hand over his collar bones and down to the small indentation between his breastplate. I pulled him close to me so we could lie chest to chest.

“You look so good right now.” I whispered into his ear.
“No, you look amazing. I wish I could just lay here forever and touch and explore your body. You’re so comfortable with me, that’s really hot.” He said softly.

“Eric?” I asked, biting my lip out of nervousness.

“Yeah?” He asked, pressing his forehead to mine.

“Do you wanna f*ck?” I ask, my face slightly feeling hot from embarrassment.

“What?” He laughed nervously.

“Do you,” I said poking my finger at him, “want to f*ck?”

“If you want to call it that.” He laughed softly.

“Well, do you want to make love? Have sex? Bump and grind? Knock one out? Do you want to do it?” I said grinning widely.

“Jesus Christ Alex.” He said, covering his face and trying not to laugh.

“Are you turning me down?” I ask, feigning shock.

“Definitely not!” He exclaimed, and then slapped his hand over his own mouth.

“Well, let’s do it then.” I said, grinding my pelvis against him.

“Okay, one second.” He said, sitting up from my body.

He gently hopped out of the bed and rushed over to his boots beside the window. Rummaging around for a second, he pulls his wallet from his boots and opens it up. He thumbs through cash and pulls a couple of cards out and then puts them back in.

“You have got to be sh*tting me.” He said, throwing his hands up in the air.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“I don’t have condoms on me at all.” He sighed.

I thought for a second, a blank expression glued to my face.

“We can do it without one.” I said, after a moment of silence.

“I don’t think that’s a great idea.” He replied, crawling back into bed.

“Why, you can just pull out?” I whispered.

He lay flat on my bed staring at the ceiling for a moment, his forearm draped across his forehead.

“I don’t trust myself to do that. I mean, I don’t have a whole hell of a lot of experience.” He said, slightly embarrassed.

“I’m on birth control. Are you afraid I have something? I’ve never done anything with anyone Eric.” I said, visibly annoyed.

“No Alex, I don’t think that at all. I just don’t want to f*ck up both of our lives forever.” He said, trying to reassure me.

“Like I said, I’m on the pill. I’ve taken it for almost three years now.” I said, trying to persuade him.

I thought for a second and started to realize I was being gross about the situation. He said he isn’t comfortable; I really shouldn’t pressure him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you. If you don’t want to that’s completely okay too.” I said, laying my head on his bare chest.

“Oh, I definitely want to right now.” He said, his heart pounding heavily in his chest.

We both laid silent for a couple of minutes. I was trying to think of anything else during those moments. Puppies playing in fields and grandma’s baking pies for Sunday dinner. Anything to knock my hormones down a couple of notches.

“You know what? f*ck it. Let’s just do it. What happens happens.” He said, sitting up quickly.

“Are you sure? Nothing is going to happen. Nothing terrible or life ruining.” I said, laughing softly.

“Yeah, let’s just do it and think about it later.” He said, crawling over top of me, his knees spreading my legs slightly.

“You have to do it slow. I have never done this before.” I warned.

“I will, I promise. And neither have I.” He said, trailing kissed across my collar bone.

“If it hurts will you stop?” I asked nervously.

“Of course, babe. I don’t want you to hurt or be uncomfortable.” He said, leaning up to unbutton his jeans.

Within seconds he was in boxers alone, his jeans tossed beside the bed in a heavy lump. I was so anxious but nervous, laying there in anticipation. I had read a million times over in teen magazines that the first time always hurts. The act of sex itself seemed so far away when I was researching it.

I pulled the blanket up over the two of us and scooted up further so that my head was rested on the stack of pillows adorning my bed.

“Okay, I think I’m ready.” I said, covering my eyes with my hands for a second.

“Are you sure, Alexis? Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” He asked, one final time to reassure my consent.
“Don’t call my by my full name.” I said, making a faux frowny face at him.

He tugged at the sides of my underwear, willing them down with gentle movement. He pulled them down and over my knees and then off over my feet and I closed my legs tightly out of instinct. I looked at him, probably like a deer in headlights at that very moment.

“Relax.” He whispered, putting his hand between my legs.

I tried my best to calm myself, but my body gave itself away with a shiver in response to his hand. His face was etched into a look of focus and determination, yet his pupils were dilated with arousal.

He leaned over me once again, his lips hovering centimeters away from mine. Slowly our kisses became more sensual and slower as he started to enter me with his fingers. In smooth undulating movements it felt like his hands became part of my body. A small gasp escaped my lips which he shrouded into silence by covering my mouth with his free hand. Any other time this would have felt strangely overpowering, but as I inhaled through my nose and closed my eyes, that simple action only heightened my senses.

“Shh…” He hushed, his lips grazing my cheek.

I nodded at him and bit my lip as our eyes met. Pools of hazel melding to each other feverishly. I tried to break eye contact for a second, becoming increasingly aware of myself.

“No, look at me Alex.” He commanded softly.

Not wanting the feeling to end, I did as I was told.

“Good girl.” He whispered, his eyes never leaving mine.

I squirmed slightly beneath him, tension building deep within my body.

“Are you ready?” He asked teasingly.

I nodded enthusiastically as he took his fingers out of me. Pressing my thighs together involuntarily, he pried them back apart and pressed himself hard against me. I couldn’t speak with his hand still over my mouth, but I prayed my eyes conveyed exactly how I felt. I was empty without him inside of me and my body was screaming for more.

“I’m going to take my hand off of your mouth, you have to be quiet.” He whispered.

I nodded once again, and he removed his hand.

“Please.” I whispered.

“Please what, Alexis?” He said, smiling smugly as he lined himself up against my body.

I felt helpless. I felt out of control. I felt amazing. A million feelings ran through my body while no thoughts ran through my head. For once I wasn’t thinking of anything because I was busy feeling everything. Anxiously, I wiggled against him, willing him to enter me already.
“Hey, stop. I’m the boss here. You’ll get it when I tell you that you can have it.” He said, softly scolding me.

“Please Eric, now. Please?” I begged.

He laughed softly to himself and leaning above me, he tried to enter me. A bit of resistance at first, he thrust hard into me. A gasp escaped my lips and I quickly pressed them together. I felt like I was exploding into a million tiny fragments of warm light, scattering across the room on a molecular level. Instinct kicking in again, I squeezed my thighs tightly around him.

“I’m not hurting you, am I?” He whispered into my ear.

“No, you feel amazing.” I whispered back breathily.

His pace quickened slightly and made the bed squeak slightly. At that moment I honestly wouldn’t have cared if my entire neighborhood walked in on us, but the bed making noise was his cue to slow down.

“No, don’t.” I insisted, grinding back against him.

“You’re killing me woman.” He said, quickening his thrust, squeaky springs be damned.

“I’m almost there.” I said, closing my eyes.

His breathing became irregular as he leaned in to kiss me, both of us gasping between thrusts. Sweat droplets formed between our abdomens as I arched my back, pressing harder against him. He nibbled gently at my bottom lip, as I lost all focus on kissing him back. My body became rigid as pressure built deep inside of my pelvis. My muscles contracting on their own, I closed my eyes tightly. He slid his hand over my mouth again to muffle the increasing noise coming from it.

“Open your eyes and look at me.” He said, his voice almost demanding.

My eyelids fluttered open and our eyes locked once again. He bit his bottom lip hard as he pounded quickly into me. I couldn’t hold on to the feeling any longer and let myself go. My legs shaking and trying to close around him, my body contracting rapidly from the inside out. My vision blurred as I melted away completely, taking heavy breaths through my nose as I moaned against the palm of his hand. My eyes grew wide as I seen stars exploding right before my very own eyes.

“I’m not going to last much longer.” He said, burying his face into my neck.

Before I could nod, he pulled his hand away from my mouth and with one last thrust he pulled out and away from me.

“Jesus Christ Alex.” He said, crumpling into a heap on top of me.

I couldn’t say anything at all as my heart pounded heavily in my chest. I struggled to wiggle away from him, attempting to brake pressure away from the throbbing feeling between my legs. He looked at me for a second and laughed softly and then rolled over beside of me onto his back.

“Give me a minute and I’ll find something to clean that up.” He said, breathing heavily.

“It’s okay, just hold me.” I said, my body still shaking erratically.

He pulled me over into his arms and wrapped them around me tightly.

“Are you okay?” He asked, pushing my bangs away from my forehead.

“Yeah,” I replied, burying my face into his bare chest.

“Good. Sorry if I was too rough. I didn’t mean to be.” He said, clearing his throat quietly.

“No, you did everything perfectly. I wish we could just lay like this forever. Minus the cum on my bed sheets.” I said, laughing quietly to myself.

He didn’t say anything at all, just rubbed his hand up and down my bare back for a few moments. My eyes suddenly felt heavy.

“I’m tired now.” I said jokingly.

“You didn’t even do any of the work!” He said, pretending to be shocked,

“Can you stay with me until I fall asleep again?” I asked, looking up at him.

“I always do. Now let’s get this cleaned up and get your clothes back on.” He replied.

I went to the bathroom and tossed him a roll of paper towels before closing the door. Looking in the mirror at myself, I realized I looked like death warmed over. My cheeks were flushed but the rest of my skin was pale, and I was sticky with sweat.

“Are you okay?” Eric asked, breaking my concentration on insulting myself by cracking the door open.

“Yeah, I look like sh*t.” I said, turning my head from side to side.

“You have the flu, retard. You’re not going to feel like a super model.” He said, tossing paper towels into the trash can.

“I have to pee, and I’ll be out.” I said, pushing him out the door.

I tossed the night clothes I had on in the hamper and grabbed a t-shirt and underwear from my dresser drawer and put them on. Eric was sprawled out on my bed, eyes closed, laying on top of the comforter.

“Thank you for making my bed.” I whispered, climbing over top of him.

“You’re welcome. Come here.” He said, eyes still closed but pulling my down beside of him.

I nuzzled my face into his arm pit and slid an arm underneath of him.

“You’re so gross.” He said, trying to move me from his armpit.

“Thanks, I know.” I said, scooting over to lay my head on his chest.

“What time do your parents get up tomorrow morning?” He asked softly.

“They work tomorrow, so probably in a few hours at 5 a.m.” I said, closing my eyes.

“Well, they’ll cancel school again tomorrow because of all the snow. And you won’t be able to go anyway because you’re sick. So, if you want, I can just stay. It’ll save me from having to sneak back in and move Dylan’s long ass out of my bed tonight.” He said, running his hand through my tangled hair.

“I’d love that. My mom will probably yell in around 4:45 to make sure I’m still alive, but we’re in the clear after 5.” I said, putting my leg over one of his and under the other.

“Okay. My dad will probably leave around the same time so I can just walk right back in the front door when I do go home.” He replied.

“Maybe if I’m feeling better, I can make you breakfast.” I said, laughing softly.

“That would be great. I’m f*cking starving.” He mumbled.

I laid there listening to his heartbeat, slowing as he started to get closer and closer to falling asleep.

“Eric.” I said, after a long period of silence.

“Hmm?” He grunted.

“I love you. A whole lot.” I whispered.

“I love you too Lex. Go the f*ck to sleep.” He mumbled softly.

Chapter 14: You're famous now and there's no doubt

Chapter Text

As predicted, my mother knocked on my door at 5:30 this morning to check on me.

“I’m okay mom, have a good day at work!” I called back to her and I snuggled up to a snoring Eric.

He mumbled in his sleep and I covered his face with the blanket. After a few minutes of silence, my mom yelled goodbye to me on her way out the door.

I awoke a couple hours later, cold and alone. The blanket had been pushed to the bottom of the bed and Eric was nowhere in sight. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, still slightly congested I stifled a cough.

“Eric?” I asked lowly.

“I’m in the bathroom, babe.” I heard him call softly back to me.

I breathed a sigh of relief and pulled the comforter back up over me and buried myself deeply beneath it. I didn’t have chills, but it was cold in my room for some reason.

“Oh no, I seem to have lost my girlfriend. Just a blanket left in her place. Guess I’ll have to find another now.” Eric said, sarcastically.

I poked my head out of the blanket and scowled at him.

“Good morning to you too, dickface.” I said, feigning anger.

He crawled back into bed and dove under the covers after me, tickling me while I tried to fight him off.

“No! Don’t touch me! I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.” I said, rolling over onto my stomach to avoid the tickle attack.

“Oh God, princess. Go do it then, I need attention right this very moment. You weren’t worried about that when you were drooling and snoring in my face this morning.” He said, raising an eyebrow.

“Was not! I had to cover you face this morning when my mom checked on me because you were sawing logs!” I said, burying my face into the bed.

“That’s why I woke up smothering to death and fighting for air? Cruel move, woman, cruel move.” He said, jabbing me in the hip with his index finger.

I pretended to fall over, in pain.

“Ow! Such abuse, I think you broke my hip.” I exaggerated.

“You’re such a puss*.” He said, rolling his eyes.

I stared out the window, the curtain cracked enough so I could see the entire block from where I laid.

“Are you sure school was cancelled?” I asked, seeing barely any snow on the roads.

“Yeah, I called Dylan when I woke up from your desk phone. He checked online once Dad left the house.” Eric said, laying back onto the pillows on my bed.

“You wake up next to Adonis himself and the first thing you think of is school?” He added, sarcastically.

“I couldn’t go if I wanted, but I technically woke up alone and cold.” I said, rolling my head over lazily to look at him.

“Yeah, I left the blanket off figuring it would wake you up. I think your fever finally broke though; you were pretty chilly when I woke up.” He said, snaking his hand over to mine.

“I’m feeling a lot better. Still not 100% but a lot better than when I woke up yesterday.” I said, grabbing his hand in mine.

“I magically healed you!” He exclaimed, sitting up suddenly in bed.

“Oh my God, you are really full of yourself this morning, Harris.” I said, covering my face in embarrassment.

“Well,” He sighed, “You were full of ME last night.”

“Stop! You’re so mortifying!” I said, blushing into my own hands.
“Aww, my poor baby.” He said, scooting over and patting me on the back.

“So, what’s Dylan doing?” I ask, genuinely curious if he was still hanging out in Eric’s room alone.

“Well, since you’re so obsessed with him, I invited him over.” Eric replied, putting his hands behind his head.

“I can make us all breakfast, once I get dressed.” I suggested, sitting up finally.

“Yeah, I already told him you planned on making breakfast.” He replied, smiling impishly.

“Oh, well, now I think I’ll just go back to sleep!” I said, falling over in bed and pretending to snore.

“But I’m SO hungry.” He whined, falling over on top of me.

“You’re lucky you’re cute. I’m not a maid or housewife.” I scowled.

“One day you will be. A maid, I mean.” He said, grinning over at me.

“You’re awful!” I yelled, getting up from the bed.

“Go get dressed and I’ll meet you downstairs. I have to wait for Dylan to knock anyway. It’ll only take his long-legged ass three steps to get over here anyway.” Eric said, firmly smacking me on the butt as I walked by.
A half hour later and I’m standing in the kitchen multi-tasking between the range where I’m frying scrambled eggs, a waffle iron and toaster. If it had been up to the boys, I would have been making everything in the refrigerator but when I said they were doing dishes, they changed their minds.

“So did Dad check in last night?” Eric asked Dylan, sitting across from him at the kitchen table.

“He knocked and said he was going to bed but didn’t wait for a reply.” Dylan said, putting his hands behind his head and leaning back into the chair my father usually sat at.

“I could light myself of fire and start screaming lyrics to “The Mummer’s Dance” and they wouldn’t bat an eye. It’s f*cking perfect.” Eric mused.

“Yeah, I guess. My mom doesn’t f*ck around in my room much, but she comes in to talk to me a lot. I think she gets bored since Byron moved out. Or something. Maybe it’s a mom thing.” Dylan replied.

“Your mom cares about you though, like a lot.” Eric said, quieter than before.

“Your parents care about you too, man. Your dad’s just a military suit and my parents are more like…uhm…burnt out hippies. They care, but every family is different.” Dylan said, seeming like he was trying to really convince Eric of something.

I listened intently as I pushed eggs around in the skillet, watching them start to clump and make form. I was really interested in everything Eric had to say and I honestly enjoyed the way he and Dylan talked to each other. The conversations were always random and all over the place. Like they never got enough time to talk to each other in depth and just said whatever crossed their minds. One post pushed against the other to hold up the entire platform of friendship above them. I knew they had other friends, but Eric mentioned that this past year they had really gotten closer and he felt Dylan was one of the best friends he had ever made, since leaving Michigan when he was younger.

“I guess, it’s better for NB…”Eric started.

“Yeah! You’re right, it’s better at the end of the day Reb!”” Dylan said loudly, interrupting Eric mid-sentence.

“Guys, grab some plates and silverware out of the dish strainer.” I said, pointing over to the counter beside the sink.

I seen them exchange an awkward glance and then Dylan stood up to grab the cutlery and plates.

“What’s wrong?” I mouthed quietly to Eric.

“Oh, baby there’s nothing wrong.” Eric said, standing up and wrapping his arms around me.

Dylan shook his head and laid the plates and silverware out on the table, placing a plate on the three decorative placemats my mother had displayed.

“What do you want to drink?” I asked, pulling back to look at his face.
“I can make some orange juice. I seen you have some of the concentrate in the freezer.” He replied, quickly getting started on the task at hand.

“Okay, the pitcher is in the cabinet above the sink there.” I said, grabbing glasses from the china cabinet my mom had place against the far kitchen wall.

“Why do you guys have the plated and stuff over here but keep the cups over in a cabinet by itself?” Dylan asked, sitting back down at the table.

“My mom and dad go to carnivals during the summer, usually out of town. When there’s a dime pitch game my dad wins my mom a bunch of these Coca-Cola glasses. They have gotten so many it’s pretty much the only cups we have now. Mom wanted something special to display them in, so they found this cabinet at a thrift place. She changes the contact paper on the shelves every few weeks, to keep it looking pretty, I guess. I think it’s silly if you ask me.” I said, grabbing 3 of the glasses and placing them beside the placemats on the table.

“That’s kind of cool though. Like, that’s “their thing”” Dylan said, using his fingers to make quotation marks in the air.

“It’s probably the only thing they ever do together anymore, really.” I said half-heartedly.

“That’s no good.” Dylan replied awkwardly, looking down at his lap.

“Yeah, I never want to be that type of married couple. The ones who don’t sleep in the same bedroom anymore but lie and say it’s because one or the other turns the alarm clock off in the morning or hogs the blankets. I’d rather f*cking die than waste my life living beside of someone I swore to love for eternity.” I said, starting to plate our breakfast.

“So where are your parents today Alex? Are they going to burst in and tell us all to leave?” Dylan asked, laughing and lightening the mood.

“They’re working, but no, I would just say you guys stopped over for breakfast and it wouldn’t be a big deal. They really like Eric and trust me.” I said, offering a weak smile.

“Yeah, they LOVE me.” Eric said, walking behind me and setting his chin on my shoulder.

“That’s a first.” Dylan mumbled.

“What?” I asked, missing what he said.

“Usually adults hate Eric and think he’s Satan himself trying to violate their small daughters in frilled dresses and pigtails.” Dylan laughed.

“They do not, asshole. Adults usually either love me or hate me, there’s never an in between. But I am here to violate their daughter, she just never wears pig tails.” Eric said, flipping a stand of my hair out of my face.

I make a faux disgusted face at him and pretend to gag.

“Dude, why do you do that?” Dylan asked shaking his head.

“Because I’m a disgusting, vile human being.” Eric said, seating himself at the table.

We started eating, at first in silence and then chatting aimlessly. Eric and I finished way before Dylan had, of course. But they sent me away and cleared the table themselves and washed the dishes without a reminder to do it.

“You guys are really handy. It makes me feel like I’m Snow White and you guys are two dwarves, now I just need all of the forest animals and a hunter to try cutting my heart out.” I said, laying down on the couch as they came into the living room.

“He’s a dwarf, I’m 6 foot 3, I’d most likely be the huntsman.” Dylan said, shoving Eric a little.

“Har Har Har, you’re tall, very funny.” Eric said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“Come here. I’m too full to move.” I said, wiggling my finger at Eric.

“Oh no, you’re beached. Look at the pot belly you’ve grown.” Eric joked, patting me on the stomach.

“It’s my Alien baby, it’s going to burst out of me and eat your f*cking face.” I said, wrapping my arms around his waist as he sat in front of me.

Dylan plopped down in my father’s recliner and kicked it back. He pulled his hat down over his face and was snoring softly, almost immediately.
“He’s such a lazy loser.” Eric whispered, nodding in Dylan’s direction.

“He’s tired babe. He probably laid awake all night worried your father would burst through the door wondering where you were.” I said laughing softly.

“What are we going to do today?” Eric asked, laying down beside me on the couch.

“Lay here on the couch all day and sleep.” I suggested, snuggling close to him.

“I’m sure your parents will appreciate that and trying to wake Vodka up so your dad can sit down.” Eric laughed.

“I think he could take my dad if he wanted. A fight to the death for the most comfortable recliner in the world.” I laughed.

“You’re starting to get hot again.” Eric said frowning.

“I know, I was getting dizzy when we were eating.” I said, sleepily.

I pressed my face into his chest and started to get drowsy.

“Babe, maybe I should call your mom or something. You’re getting very tired and I don’t know if that’s good with your fever coming back.” He said quietly.

I could barely understand what he said and just groggily agreed and then fell asleep.

What seemed like seconds later, I’m being shaken awake by my mother.

“Lexi wake up sweetie. We need to take your temperature.” I heard her say, her voice sounding so far away yet so close.

I rolled over onto my back, unable to open my eyes.

“Mom, my head hurts really bad.” I grumbled; eyes closed tightly.

“I’ve tried to wake her up every few minutes and she says the same thing, Max. She had us over for breakfast and then suddenly got hot and dizzy. I laid down with her and then thought I should call you. I couldn’t find your number, but it was in the book beside the house phone.” I can hear Eric ramble on.

“I tried ice and stuff while he called you, but she was just out cold.” I hear Dylan say softly.

I fight to open my eyes; I can feel my eyelashes brush against my cheek and my mom shoving the thermometer under my arm pit.

“Dylan, hold her arm down so she doesn’t move it. I’m going to go call her dad. Yell out what it reads when it beeps.” Mom says.

I hear the click clack of her heels move further from me.
“I’m fine, Dylan, really….” I try to mumble, but I’m unsure if he can hear me.

It hurts to breathe or speak. I feel like I had water inside of my chest.

“Dylan, is she okay? She’s trying to say something.” Eric says, his voice coming closer to me.

I want to reach out for him, but Dylan is holding my arm down. I try with the other, but it feels like my hand is a balloon, I lift it and it feels as if it floats away. The muscles in my arm grow tired quickly, and it drops down heavily across my hips.

“Gene said to call the ambulance, he’ll meet us there. What does it say? Did it beep yet?” Mom says, click-click, click-clack moving closer.

“No, ma’am, it’s at 102.7 and still going up.” Dylan says softly.

“Max, I really think we need to just get her to the hospital. Dylan, go grab my car, quickly. Leave it running then come back in and help me get her in.” Eric says his voice quivering.

“Okay. It’s okay, Hun, try to stay calm. She’s going to be okay.” Mom says to someone, “Dylan, grab one of Gene’s jackets off the door on your way out!”

I try once more to reach out, for anyone. Can they even see me? I’m using every ounce of energy I have to make a connection with anyone in this god damned room and it’s completely futile. I sigh heavily, my chest aching, and then everything goes black for me mentally.
I awake a few times in the car, to Dylan on the floorboard behind Eric’s driver’s seat, staring into my face intently. He narrates my movement meticulously.

“She opened her eyes. She’s breathing normally now. She closed her eyes.”

I feel cold air on my skin, and it chills me to the core of my entire soul. I shiver, I move sluggishly, trying to find warmth in the back seat of a car going very fast with all of its windows down in the middle of a January day in Littleton Colorado.

“Don’t let her make herself warm, sweetheart. We’re trying to break the fever or keep it down at least.” I hear my mother say.

“I’m keeping her turned towards the air, ma’am.” I hear Dylan call back to her, calmly.

“Is she still breathing?” I hear Eric yell, panicked.

“Reb just focus on the road, I got her. She’s fine, just hot.” Dylan says once again, sounding calmer than anyone else in the car.

“Mom.” I try to say, but it comes out a whisper.

“She said Mom, I heard it. Max, she wants you, talk to her.” Eric says frantically.

“I’m here, baby. We’re pulling into the hospital now. Everything is going to be okay.” My mom says.

I can feel her cold hand grasp mine, assumingly from over the passenger seat.

Another burst of cold air hits me and I can feel I’m being carried. I’m trying desperately to keep myself aware of my surroundings and still trying to open my eyes. At times I feel like I’m outside of my body, watching everything happen.

“She just got dizzy and we laid down and I couldn’t wake her up.”

“She started moving around about a half hour after that but wasn’t conscious. Her eyes have fluttered open a few times, but she hasn’t opened them.”

“It was 102.7 when we left.”

“It’s okay, Alexis, we’re all going to be here when you wake up.”

I can’t tell who is saying what, everything sounds garbled. I feel nauseous on and off, but don’t have the energy to barf. I feel like if I did, I would just vomit into oblivion. I’m starting to become comfortable with the darkness I see, almost as if I’m dreaming. I feel like I’m suspended between everything that works together to create twilight on Earth every day. I feel like I am becoming the air, a million shards of sun light dissipating into the night, the faint twinkle of stars in the sky. My body doesn’t feel heavy anymore. I try to anchor my mind back into reality and the concept of reality itself escapes my mind.
I stretch my hand out in front of me and can see it. Pale skin and outstretched fingers show up stark against the black backdrop of my vision. I wiggle my fingers through the air. Weightlessness. I no longer feel as if my body is a wet sandbag. I breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Suddenly, I realize, I don’t hear anyone. Am I alone here? Where did they go? Or where did I go? I step out in front of myself, into the blackness. I look down and see my bare feet. Wiggling my toes, I cannot feel a surface beneath me. I press the weight of my body into the abyss of the surface below me. I cannot see walls or floors, but I can feel them, so to speak. I take a deep breath once again and look down to see my bare chest rise and fall. I run my hand over my body, smooth and cool to the touch. An endless display of flesh, from neck to toes. Stark contrast between my own skin and whatever it is that surrounds me. I stretch my feet out before me and wiggle my toes. Am I standing or sitting? I feel as if I’m standing, yet my body appears to be sitting. I lean back and fold my arms behind my head and stare up into the bleak nothingness above me.

I don’t consider where I could be right now nor why I am where I could be right now. My mind is light but anchored. It’s at peace. I stare out into nothing and stars appear before me. Groups of them huddle together, dancing almost. If this had been any other point in time. I would have been nauseous and my head spinning. But, right now, I am not. I feel like an outline of a masterpiece. A fountain pen drawing darkened into a bright piece of parchment. This is where I fit in with the universe and this is where I belong.

Does Eric fit in here? Streaks of glowing light rush towards me, causing a tickle to grow in my abdomen which turns into a giggle that rushes from my stomach and out of my mouth. The light that was rushing towards me, turns itself into me and follows from my mouth, after the laughter. I smile, it feels good. But does he? Does he fit in here?

I sit up suddenly and co*ck my head to the side. A rush of sound comes close to my ear and then ricochets away from it. I try to hang onto the noise, with my hands I grab at it, but it escapes me.

Where is Eric? I know that noise came from him. It crossed barriers and found me here. It was foreign, but familiar. This time, I can physically feel the sound coming back to me, like a boomerang. I turn my head towards it and swallow it whole. I gulp and then pant. The sound feels like it blooms inside of me. And I’m gagging. I grab at my throat, the air unable to move around inside of it. I can’t breathe. I look around and this time the darkness isn’t freeing.

I feel as if it’s taking over my entire body. Climbing it like vines, I try to find my feet and they are gone. I try to force myself to stretch out my arms and they are gone even quicker than my lower extremities. I panic and try to scream, but the blackness grasps at my lips and crawls inside of my mouth. It meets the lump of sound in my throat and I start to feel as if I’m suffocating. My heart pounds rapidly inside of my chest as I try to force my lungs to overpower the obstruction in my throat. My newfound energy and freedom ebbs quickly, and I’m turning to sand again. I open my mouth widely and try to scream. And I try, and I try, and then the nausea comes back in waves. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, my head swirling rapidly as if I’m being sucked down a bathtub drain.

“Alex!” My mother shouts as I sit up in bed.

I look around and my eyes burn harshly.

“Where?” I croak, running my hands up to my throat and mouth and finding it just as I’d left it earlier this morning.

“Lay back down, baby. It’s okay, it’s okay.” Eric says, rushing from my right and grabbing my hand.

I’m confused and I’m sad as I scan the small room, I’m in. Tears well up in my eyes and I blink them away. Where did the place with no pain go?

“How are you feeling?” Eric asks, his hand on my cheek.

“I feel sad. I feel immensely sad.” I say, my voice raspy.

“I’m sorry. They got your fever down a few hours ago. I’ll let your mom tell you what all the doctors said. I’m going to get a drink and use the pisser since you’re awake.” He says, grabbing my hands and pressing them together.

I look over at my mother. I can’t control the strong emotions that seem to have suddenly overcome my entire body.

“Mommy.” I say, reaching my hand out to her.

She rushes over to me, shooing Eric away.

“It’s okay sweetheart, I know it’s scary. You’re just in an out-patient room. Your fever was well over 103 when we came in.” Mom says softly, crawling up into the bed with me.

Nobody seems to be listening. I close my eyes for a second and rub my temples, the remnants of a headache lingering close behind.
“I was somewhere. Dark. And I couldn’t breathe.” I say, my eyes still closed.

“Aww sweetie, no. They just sedated you because you became combative. They were afraid you were going to seize from the fever.” She says, wrapping me into a hug.

“But they got the fever down and you’re going to be just fine. I don’t know what I would have done if your friends weren’t home with you.” She whispers, patting my back.

My rational thinking slowly washes over me, pushing the immense waves of emotion away from my physical form.

“Oh, okay.” Is all I manage to say.

I look around, cautiously. I examine the bed beneath me and press my legs against it. The place I had been before seems like such a distant memory now.

“Is Eric okay?” I ask, following an IV line up to the pump with my fingers.

My mother laughs.

“Why wouldn’t he be? I mean, you probably gave the poor kid a heart attack but he’s fine. He hasn’t left your side. His friend and your father went to eat about twenty minutes ago. Really helpful boys.” She says, smoothing my hair down.

“Just like you, completely black out and wake up to worry for everyone else.” She adds, shaking her head.

Eric rushes into the room, almost dropping a tray of Styrofoam cups as he pushes through the curtain surrounding my bed.

“I got you a drink, babe. I asked the nurse outside if you could have it and she said sure, so here.” He says, handing me one of the cups from the tray.

I smile, it’s good to see his face.

“Thank you.” I say, cupping my hands around the cup and beaming at him.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” He says, leaning over to kiss my forehead.

“Mom says you guys are pretty much heroes now, y’know?” I joke, taking a drink from the straw in the cup.

“Yeah,” He sighs, “It’s tough being a hero sometimes.”

He laughs a little and rolls his eyes at me.

“You ate like 6 pieces!” I hear my dad say outside of my room.

Eric covers his eyes for a second then shakes his head laughing.

“You could have eaten 6, you just have to push yourself and not drink so much when you eat.” Dylan says, holding the curtain open and letting my dad walk through.

“Hey, looks like we’re having a party in here now.” I joke, my throat hoarse.

Dylan looks up and smiles brightly at me and then looks down at his feet.

“Worst. Party. Ever.” Dylan says softly.

“This kid can eat; did you know that Lexi?” My father jokes, pointing towards Dylan.

Always like my dad to try changing the subject and lighten to mood all at once.

“Yeah, considering I almost killed myself making him breakfast this morning.” I laugh.

Everyone laughs nervously.

“Oh, come on, that was funny. You guys have to admit it.” I say, scowling at my dad.

“Yeah, maybe for some guy whose kid wasn’t just rushed to the hospital!” Dad says feigning seriousness.

Eric and Dylan look at each other for a second and start laughing.
“No really, I want to thank you guys for thinking fast and getting her here so quickly. That took some brains. We all know it would have taken EMTs a good 40 minutes to do what you guys did in 15. That’s admirable.” Dad says patting Eric on the back.

“Thank you, sir.” Eric says, looking over at me intently.

“So, when can I go home?” I say, clapping my hands together loudly.

“We’re waiting to see if you can now.” Mom says, getting out of the hospital bed and gaining her composure.

“To see if I can? Come on Mom, don’t let them keep me in this sh*thole.” I whine.

“Alexis, that’s exactly what you said last night and see what happened?” She replies sternly.

I roll my eyes as the nurse on call comes into the room and pulls open the curtain. I’m relieved to see her with a clipboard and pen because that means I’m being discharged. She hands the clipboard to my mother across the bed and makes her way over to me, handing me a paper cup of medication and a small cup of water.

“We’re going to give you a prescription of Levaquin and some codeine and promethazine to loosen that stuff up in your chest. If your mom hasn’t told you yet, you have early signs of pneumonia. You must keep up on taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen, alternately, every 4 hours on top of these medications to keep your fever down and work on getting better.” She says, taking the empty cups back from me and handing me a smaller one with clear purple liquid inside of it.

“Dr. Marshall has the prescriptions ready and waiting for you guys in the pharmacy on the first floor for when you leave. Make sure she finishes all the Levaquin. And after that kicks in, she’ll definitely finish the cough syrup too.” The nurse says, with a laugh.

I wonder what she means for a second, but I shrug it off because all this just means I get to go the f*ck home now.

“Okay ma’am, thank you guys so much.” Mom says, signing one more spot on the clipboard before handing it back.

“You guys are free to go whenever she gets dressed! Drive safely on the way home, it’s getting warmer and some people say it’s causing ice to form from where the snow is melting. You guys might actually have school in the next few days!” The nurse says chipperly.

Eric and Dylan groan.

“Well, not you, you get to rest for the rest of the week.” She says, nodding at me and then leaving the room.

“Sucks to suck, doesn’t it?” I say, laughing at Eric and Dylan.

“See the next time I carry you fifteen miles to the car in the snow!” Dylan says.

“See the next time I dress you in a hospital gown!” Eric says a mischievous smile on his face.

My father looks puzzled as my eyes widen.

“You didn’t...” I start.

“Oh God, no sweetie, the nurses did that!” My mom interjects, covering her face.

“Oh, cruel cruel joke, Eric. I’ll remember that.” I say, narrowing my eyes at him.

He laughs and starts grabbing his wallet and drink from the table of wheels beside of my bed.

“Okay everyone, get the f*ck out, I want to go home.” I say, standing up slowly.

“Okay honey, we will be outside of your room. I’m going to ride with your dad, and you can ride home with the boys. Go straight home, I mean it. I’ll bring your medicine.” Mom says, gathering her coat.

The guys leave the room and my mom stops for a second and stares at me. I stare back, awkwardly. She shakes her head and leaves, her heels clinking across the hospital floor. Click-click, click-clack.

Chapter 15: In all the places you hang out

Chapter Text

The week of bed rest and medication I was put on flew by so quickly. My mom had thanked Dylan and Eric profusely and promised to take them both out for dinner one night next week for “saving” me, but laid down the rules that I wasn’t to have any more visitors until I was deemed to not be contagious.

Of course, disobeying every rule ever set for us, Eric would show up at my window every night and lay with me until I fell asleep for the night. His mother had returned, and it was harder for him to sneak away for any extended periods of time, so he had stopped letting himself fall asleep beside me. Waking up without him every morning seemed to take the pleasure out of the whole ordeal, but I appreciated his efforts so much that I didn’t mention it.

Sunday night rolled around, and I laid in my bed, having just taken the last bit of codeine cough syrup I was prescribed, I thought about attending school the next day. Well, not so much thought about it as I dreaded it. The short vacation I had, although sick, was far more enjoyable than any day I planned on attending at Columbine.

I lazily opened and closed my eyes, listening to the low hum of FM radio from across the room. The loud ring of my telephone jolted me upright in bed. I threw the covers off of myself and dashed to answer it.

“Hello?” I said, knowing it was Eric already.

“Hey Baby, what are you wearing?” He said, laughing over the line.

“Well, nothing except for these gigantic granny panties that stop right below my tit*…” I laughed.

“Oh Jesus Christ, gross. But seriously, what are you doing?” He replied, sighing heavily.

“Just laying in bed, trying not to be super excited to go to school tomorrow.” I said sarcastically.

“Hey, at least we can spend the day together. Without your mom treating you like a walking talking contagious disease.” He said, trying to make me feel better.

“True. At least I’m caught up on schoolwork, with you bringing it home to me every god damned evening.” I said, pretending to be annoyed.

His laugh echoed over the receiver, melodically.

“You’re welcome. You know I use that as an excuse just to see you free of any repercussions, right?”

“Yeah,” I said smiling, “And I know you don’t want my grades to dip because of this. I’d hate to have to break into the administrations office again just to fix them.”

“Yeah, I seen them installing more cameras in there today.” He said, sounding displeased.

“What the f*ck do they think is going to happen in Columbine f*cking High, anyway? We’re a little dot of nothing in the entire U.S” I said.

“Who knows, this whole town thinks anyone who isn’t a f*cking jock or cutesy little Jesus freak is a psychotic criminal waiting to explode. It’s a waste of taxpayer’s money if you ask me.” He replied, I could hear the tinkling sound of metal in the background.

“What are you doing?” I asked, genuinely curious.”

“You know what I’m always doing.” He said, starting to sound distracted.

“Didn’t you and Dylan just make like ten of them?” I asked, wondering why they would be making so many pipe bombs to play with.

“Yeah, but he said one from that batch was a dud so I’m making a couple more. His dad wants us to pull a stump out near their guest house and it’s a big son of a bitch. So, we’re just going to,” He paused, grunted like he was putting all of his strength into something, and then continued, “blow it up out of the ground and then pull it out that way.”

“Oh…” I said softly.

That didn’t sound very safe at all to me and honestly made me really anxious to think about. If we blew a whole mailbox and stairs up with one pipe bomb, what would a whole mess of them do to a tree stump? Nothing would be left just by using two. Using ten would be going overboard.

“How do you get more than one to go off all at once? Do you make one big fuse or…” I said, trying not to voice my concern.
“Sort of. We’ve done it by twisting an extended fuse on to a few at a time.” He said, exerting himself with something one more time and then sighing.

“Sounds kind of dangerous.” I finally admitted.

“I mean…it is. But I know what I’m doing. Nothing to worry about, baby. Nothing at all.” He replied.

Short sentences and repetition, that’s how I could tell he was lying.

“I trust you. Can I be there when it happens? When you guys remove the stump?” I say.

Okay, I know I’m trying to get him to catch himself in his lie right now. I know that he knows what he’s doing, but I also know he’s lying about there being nothing to worry about. What if they’re not even for removing some stupid ass stump?

“I can ask Vodka if it’s cool, tomorrow, if you really want to see it happen.” He said, his voice a little softer than before.

“Sure. I’m not one to miss watching sh*t blow up.” I say flatly.

“So, where do you want me to meet your beautiful face in the morning?” He says, trying to change subjects.

And my mind is like an Etch-A-Sketch that someone just shook to erase.

“At my car. I’m really excited to see you.” I say chipperly.

“I’m excited to see you too, babe. It’s been 24 days, 16 hours, and 32 minutes and counting.” He says.

“Shut up, corn ball. It has not. You just seen me at 5 this evening.” I laugh.

“Alexis! Turn your light off and lay down! You have school tomorrow! Your doctor’s note is on the fridge, don’t forget it!” My dad yells from outside of my bedroom door.

“Okay Dad, I will in a minute, I’m on the phone!” I call back.

I hear his footsteps retreat down the hall towards my parent’s bedroom.

“Ugh.” I groan into the receiver.

“What’s wrong baby?” Eric asks.

“I don’t ever want to be like them.” I say.

“Like whom, your parents?” He asks.

“Yeah. My dad is actually going to their bedroom tonight. He rarely makes it out of the recliner at night. This has to be the first time in months he’s actually went to bed with Mom.” I say, mindlessly twirling my fingers through the cord on the phone.
“Ohh, they’re f*cking tonight, aren’t they?” He says stifling laughter.

“Gross Eric! Gross. That’s not what I mean.” I sigh.

“No, for real, I know what you mean. There will never be a night that I don’t want to fall asleep beside you.” He says, finally being serious.

“How can they say they love each other a hundred times a day and barely look at each other’s face? How could they have literally written in their vows that they promised to kiss each other good night every night of their lives, and then end up not even sleeping in the same room together? It’s a complete and utter waste of everyone’s time.” I say, cutting myself off when I realize I’m rambling.

“Their parents before them probably were the same and set the example that marriage is just two people living together in a house. But it’s the 90’s baby, we know more than our parents and we love better than our parents.” He replies.

“Do you really think so? Do you think we’re any better than any of our parents were?” I ask.

“I honestly don’t know that, for a fact. But I do know, I love you more than either of our parents love each other and there won’t be one single night in our lives that I’m not going to f*ck you to sleep. Well, once we get our own place.” He replies.

I laugh uncontrollably at that statement.

“Ha Ha Ha, you think I’m joking, but just wait.” He says.
“What if I don’t want to f*ck?” I say, in a more hushed tone.

“Then I’ll gently just make love to you and rub your feet.” He says sarcastically.

“I think I like foot rubs and f*cking more.” I joke.

“We can have all three.” He suggests.

“So, this place of our own. What would that be like?” I say softly.

It’s the best feeling I’ve experienced yet to hear someone talk about a future with me in it. A future that doesn’t include me leaving or seem too fantastical. The furthest future I’d ever discussed with anyone was my parents shipping me off to college and when Bailey would talk about how we were both going to marry Brad Pitt and live in his mansion together.

“Well, let’s see. I would want us to get a little studio apartment, maybe. At first. Something we could maintain while you go to college. And then when I make enough money, I would buy us a nice three- or four-bedroom house, with two bathrooms of course, for when we have a whole bunch of kids. And a two-car garage.” Eric says, starting to sound sleepy.

“When I go to college? Aren’t you going too?” I ask, putting a screeching halt to the daydreaming.

“I might join the Marines, baby. I haven’t made up my mind yet. I mean, I planned to join and then we got together. I really wouldn’t want to drag a family around from base to base like my parents did to me and my brother, though.” He replies.
“So, I f*cked up your dream of being a Marine?” I say softly after a few seconds of silence.

“No, Lex, don’t say that. It’s not like that. I want you more than I want to be a Marine. I would absolutely love to get paid for shooting people in the face legally, but I love you more.” He says quietly.

“You can still shoot people in the face. Probably not legally though.” I say, taking the phone base from the wall and walking it over to my bed.

I lay down on my bed and sigh deeply.

“I wouldn’t want to get locked up and not be allowed to see you. So, I guess I just have to say goodbye to shooting anyone in the face in this lifetime.” He says.

“I guess there are some things you have to give up for love.” I joke.

“Lex, can I ask you something?” He says.

“Yeah, babe, you know that you can.” I say, becoming concerned.

Usually asking to ask a question and saying we need to talk are never good things.

He sighs into the phone and dead silence for a few seconds.

“How would you feel about me if I did actually kill someone?” He asks, suddenly seeming more alert.

“Are you saying you have?” I ask, wondering why he would even say something like that.

He doesn’t reply and it makes me nervous. I take a second to compose myself. Would I still feel the same? In this very moment if he said he had killed someone and gave me the gory details? Do I feel nervous because I wouldn’t feel the same? No. I would feel the same. As terrible as that sounds to repeat in my own head. I’m only nervous because I associate murder with jail. And jail means I would never see him again.

“No, of course not. But what if I did? Would you still love me the same?” He asks again.

“Yes, Eric. I would love you exactly the same. I told you before nothing could change my mind about you. I would just hope you wouldn’t do something so foolish that would make it so I couldn’t see you again. I don’t know what I would do with myself if you weren’t around.” I say, starting to think too deeply on the thought of us being permanently separated.

A lump forms in my throat and I choke it back down with a swallow and a deep breath.

“I wouldn’t do anything that would separate us. Not on purpose.” He says.

“What made you think about a question like that?” I ask, concerned.

“Nothing really. It just crossed my mind with what we were talking about.” He says, nonchalantly.

“Were you watching Natural Born Killers again?” I say, laughing slightly and trying to push negative thoughts out of my head.

“No, not exactly.” He says, laughing softly.

“Well, just know. I would love you no matter what. I mean, you have the freedom to say if you don’t love me anymore and don’t want to be with me. I would never force you to be with me. But I will love you no matter what you do in life. Good or bad.” I say, trying to reassure him and myself.

“Did you ever notice at the end of NBK there’s a scene where Mickey and Mallory are driving a van and have two kids and she’s pregnant?” He says.

“Ha, you’re lying. I didn’t see that at all.” I say, wondering if he’s f*cking with me.

“No, really. During the end credits. And Mallory has this wig like her mom wore. It’s super funny.” He replies.

“I keep falling asleep right after they kill Wayne Gale, honestly.” I admit.

“You always fall asleep during movies.” He laughs.

“That I do. I’m always tired lately. I feel like, for the first time, I’m comfortable most of the time with my life. It makes me tired when I’m content I guess.” I say, yawning and not noticing the irony of it.
“You’re sleepy right now. I should let you go so you can rest.” He says.

“I hate hanging up.” I say stubbornly.

“I know, but I’ll see you in the morning. The sooner you go to sleep the sooner we get to see each other.” He says.

I can tell he’s smiling by the way he says that.

“That’s not how time works but I guess I should before one of my parents wake up and hear me still talking.” I sigh.

“Park in the spot next to where I usually park tomorrow. I might be running a few minutes late because I have to grab something before school, but just wait there for me.” He says.

“Okay babe, I will see you in the morning.” I say, standing up from my bed to return the phone to my desk.

“I love you, Alex. Get some sleep.” He says.

“I love you Eric. Good night.” I say, and then reluctantly hang up the phone.

I run my hands through my hair and look at myself in the mirror at my desk. I no longer look sickly, but I do look tired. I look over at the clock and it’s close to midnight, so I decide to lay down.

My alarm sounds, shattering through a lovely dream I was having of Eric and I having a picnic in a sunny meadow. My eyes flutter open and I smell bacon cooking. Either my parents are making breakfast or a pig on fire has wandered throughout my house. I’m hoping its breakfast as I pull on some clothes, I had laid out the night before and make my way downstairs.

“Good morning, kiddo.” My dad says, sipping coffee at the table.

“Good morning Daddy.” I say, sitting down at the chair across from him.

“I’m making pancakes and bacon, Lexi. It will be done in a few minutes and I’ll make you and your father’s plate.” Mom says from behind me.

“Can you make me a plate and put it in the microwave? I have to put my makeup on and do my hair for school, I wanted to grab some coffee before I started though.” I say, pouring myself a cup of coffee from the metal pitcher in the middle of the table.

“Sure sweetie, I don’t want you to be late today. So be quick.” Mom says, taking her apron off.

It’s a rare occasion that my mom cooks breakfast for my dad. Eric must have been right. I cringe inwardly at the thought and take my coffee back upstairs to my vanity.

An hour later I’m pulling into the parking space beside where Eric usually parks. The parking lot is full and I’m praying no one decides to be an asshole and park in his spot. It’s not uncommon here, for that to happen.

It’s a good fifteen minutes before the bell will ring but I’m becoming anxious when he doesn’t pull in immediately. I pretend to dig through my purse and backpack and prepare myself for the day. After 8 minutes of agony, he finally pulls in beside me. Sunglasses on, grinning at me from ear to ear. He quickly turns the engine off and gets out, running over to my open driver’s side window. His hands hidden behind his back.

“Good morning beautiful.” He says, leaning in to kiss me.

I reciprocate and raise my eyebrow at him.

“You’re awfully happy to be at school today.” I say.

“Correction. I’m awfully happy to see you at school today.” He says, still smiling.

“I’m glad to see you too babe.” I say, rolling my window up and grabbing my stuff before getting out of my own car.

“Close your eyes.” He says, almost immediately after I close my car door.

“Wait, why?” I say, becoming suspicious.

“Just do it Lex.” He says, authoritatively.

I do as I’m told. He grabs my arm, at the elbow. I can feel his fingers slide down the inner part, along my forearm, and to my wrist. I hear him fumble with something in his free hand and he pushes something over my finger.
“Open your eyes.” He says.

It’s a ring. Thin and silver, with two small stones together in one low rise setting. I’m stunned in silence for a second. It’s so pretty and unexpected.

“Eric, I love it!” I say, excitedly wrapping my arms around him.

He squeezes me tightly and buries his face into my hair for a second.

“You smell really good.” He says, squeezing me tighter.

“What’s this for? Like why?” I ask, genuinely curious.

He pulls back, looking puzzled for a second.

“Just for being you, retard.” He says, taking my hands in his.

“That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.” I say rolling my eyes at him.

“I try.” He says, smiling mischievously.

I break one hand away from him to look closer at the ring. It’s sparkles brilliantly in the morning sunlight. I’ve never really gotten jewelry from anyone before. I really can’t stop looking at it and moving my hand to watch the gems sparkle off of one another.

“The diamond stone is my birthstone and the pink one is your birthstone.” He says.

“This is the most thoughtful thing I have ever gotten.” I say, looking up at him.

“So, you like it? Like for real? I was hoping you didn’t hate it or think it looked gaudy.” He says, starting to get nervous.

“No, Eric. I love it. It’s so shiny!” I say, taking his other hand back into mine.

In that moment we’re the only people in that parking lot, even though we’re physically surrounded by at least sixty other people. We kiss until I feel dizzy.

“You know, we could always just get the f*ck out of here.” I say, leaning back in his arms and raising my eyebrow at him.

“f*ck. As much as I hate to say no, you haven’t been to class in a while. We have to go in.” Eric replied, looking visibly sad.

I frown but I know he’s right. We walk hand in hand, to our lockers. His fingers rubbing against the band on my ring finger lovingly. We arrive at my locker and he leans against the one beside mine, staring at me as I unlock the combination lock hanging from it.

“What?” I ask, wondering if maybe I have something on my face.

“Nothing,” He says looking down at the floor, “I just like seeing you happy.”

“Eric, you’re really the sweetest person in the world. Especially to me. I don’t know what I did to get so lucky.” I say, popping my locker open.

He beams a smile at me, genuine and warm, right before a friend of his I don’t know walks up to him and strikes up a conversation.

A folded piece of paper falls out onto my backpack.

“What’s this?” I whisper, looking up at Eric as I lean down to pick it up.

He’s lost in small talk about DOOM and doesn’t seem to notice. It must not be part of his surprise. I shove it into my bag and decide to read it later, since the bell is about to ring.

“Alright man, I’ll catch you this weekend on a couple deathmatches.” Eric says to the other boy.

“Gotcha. Same number?” The boy asks.

“Yup.” Eric says, nodding once at the boy as he walks away from us.

“Who was that?” I ask, closing my locker.

”Ahh, just a kid I play with on the weekends. His mom doesn’t let him use the dial up during the week.” Eric says, taking my hand as we walk towards our first class.
“I hate this first class. I hate assigned seats. I just want to be close to you.” I say, as we near the door.

“Yeah, it f*cking sucks that they won’t let us trade with people either.” He says, squeezing my hand tightly.

“Yeah, not like anyone would want to trade with me anyway.” I laugh.

“Well, if we were allowed, I’d very well make them trade!” He says.

“You’re so cute when you’re bossy.” I say, leaning my head on his shoulder.

We exchange a quick kiss as the bell rings right before we enter the classroom and take our seats.

Eric turns around in his seat almost immediately and draws the shape of a heart in the air at me. I laugh and then cover my mouth. The girl sitting next to me sighs heavily, as if I’m already annoying her. I scoot my chair away from her and roll my eyes. I look back up and Eric is glaring at her. If looks could kill, she would have dropped dead before I had even noticed her uncalled-for attitude. I shake my head “no” at him and his face softens. We stare at each other for a few seconds before the teacher clears his throat, which means it’s time to pay attention in the real world.

The break I had seems to make me even more disinterested in what my first period teacher has to say than before. I’m fighting to keep my eyes open as he drones on monotonously about angle bisectors coplanar points. I finish my worksheet and go to take my notebook out to sketch a few things out of boredom, but the folded piece of paper grabs my attention. I’m so nervous to even see what it says inside. What if it’s from Nicole, looking to insult me on my first day back and ruin my day? It’s probably not even for me and was shoved into my locker by mistake, I reason. I keep my hands in my backpack as I and unfold it, just to take a peek at what is inside. My heart sinks when I see that it actually is addressed to me. And it’s in the most horrible chicken scratch I have ever seen. The handwriting is far too messy to ready completely from afar, so I sigh and pull it out, and unfold it the rest of the way.

It reads:

“Alexis,

Please don’t show this to anyone else. I’m not going to tell you who I am as I am writing you this solely to inform you of some stuff, I believe you have a right to know about. Your boyfriend, Eric. He isn’t being completely honest with you. He lies. And I’m not talking about white lies. He lies to you every single day that you guys have been together. I do believe he cares about you, but he didn’t in the beginning. I’m sorry, sincerely, that you have to find out this way. Take this as you will, but he will be seeing someone else, soon, if he hasn’t already. You would be better off if you get away from him now. This will only end in tears. I’m going to ask once again that you show this to no one else as it was written for you to read once and then destroy. Please, just hear me out and just break up with him before you end up getting hurt. You have no future with Eric f*cking Harris.

P.S. I’m not writing this just to bully you. You’re a gorgeous person, inside and out, and have so much potential. No matter what you believe, love does NOT kill the demon. Men like him never change.”

“What the f*ck.” I say, my cheeks feeling heavily flushed.

I look around the room nervously. Could this have come from someone in this class? Is anyone looking at me while I read it? This has to be some sort of cruel joke. It has to be something Nicole has cooked up to destroy what little shard of happiness I’ve found in my miserable f*cking life. Nobody is looking at me, but I have already convinced myself that they’re all looking at me and mentally mocking me. I feel a burning in my chest that leaves my body feeling cold. I have to stay cool. I’m not supposed to let anyone else see the letter. I crunch it up into a ball and shove it down into my backpack.

“Ten minutes guys. I want that worksheet done before the bell.” The teacher says.

Even his tone of voice seems condescending and aimed directly at me. I double check to make sure I completed the worksheet. My mind if frantic, as soon as I look away from the worksheet, I’m back to checking that I finished it once again. Over and over. Anything to stop from crying right here and now. I have a tingling in my nose and eyes, I’m so mentally injured at this moment that my body is physically attempting to make me show it, but I fight back. I take a deep quivering breath.

Students around me stand up to hand their worksheets into the teacher and grab their backpacks. Has the bell rung yet? No. Everyone is sitting back down. How could he do this to me? I don’t even know what he’s done yet, but the letter reads like another girl wrote it. It’ not someone bullying me, I know in my heart it’s something else. He’s seeing someone else. He’s seeing someone else and I don’t know it and everyone else does. That’s why I can feel when he lies because it’s all been a lie. All of this, one big terrible lie. My mind starts spastic impulsive thoughts. The man that I loved just moments ago is now the cruellest person on Earth. More so than Nicole, or anyone else. At least I expected them to do bad things to me.

Why give me a ring this morning? Did he think he could buy me into turning a blind eye to his lies? To his entire secret life that everyone except for me seems to know about?

Eric grabs his backpack and walks over to me, smiling and reaching for my hand. I stand there in a daze, disconnected mind from my body. I stare at him for a moment, and instead of the butterflies and hope I had felt just an hour before are replaced with dread and nausea. I break away from him and run for the bathroom. I’m going to be sick.

I swing open the bathroom door and run to the first stall I see, barely making it to the toilet before I retch every last bit of the breakfast my mother lovingly made for me this morning. I heave and crumple into tears. My eyes squinted shut tightly as I try to collect myself but am unable to do so.

“Alexis!” I hear Eric yell outside of the bathroom door.

Sure enough, he will just go away eventually, right? Maybe I can just stay here in this stall until he understands that I know everything. And then he can just walk away and leave me the f*ck alone.

“Lex, are you okay?” He yells, slapping a hand against the outside of the door.

I cover my own mouth to muffle the heaviness of my sobbing. My brain is screaming at me.

IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT. FOOLISH. FOOLISH. FOOLISH. YOU KNOW BETTER.
My hands shake and I just want it to stop. I just want the world to stop crashing down around me. I just want out of this body that traps my soul and binds it to Earth.

“Alexis, what the f*ck.” Eric says loudly, barging into the girl’s bathroom.

“Where are you?” He says, walking past the stall I’m in.

I can hear the heavy footsteps of his boots on the tile of the floor and it’s killing me inside not to just run out of the stall and into his arms.

“Alexis, what’s wrong?” He says, kneeling outside of the stall door.

I can see his shoes and pants, nothing else. As upset as I am, my brain searches for miniscule things to think about that aren’t important.

“You’re kneeling on a dirty public restroom floor.”” I choke out, and start sobbing again.

I want to scream until I can’t anymore.

“I don’t give a f*ck what I’m kneeling on, please open the stall door. I can’t help you if you don’t let me.” He says, his voice shaking.

I can’t decipher if he’s angry, irritated, or concerned. He shouldn’t be any of those things. He should be leaving me alone.

“Please just leave me alone.” I beg.
“Lex, if you don’t unlock the door, I’m going to kick it in.” He demands.

“Please just stop and go away.” I say, clearing my throat.

Maybe if I don’t cry, he will see that I don’t care and will just walk away from it all.

“Alexis, please!” He pleads loudly, now standing pressed outside of the stall door.

I tilt my head back. I once read in a book about a girl who cried at ballet class. To keep her tears from coming down her face she would tilt her head back, so they didn’t come out. I think it was too late for me to stop them from coming now but I wasn’t thinking rationally.

“Eric, please just leave me alone! Stop playing this f*cking game with me already and just GO!! I’m done playing house, I don’t want to do this anymore!” I scream.

I’m defeated, already. Mentally, physically, and emotionally.

“Jesus f*cking Christ.” He says.

A loud boom and metal scraping. Then nothing. And then once again, BOOM. The stall door flies open. He runs over to me and I swing at him, trying to keep him from touching me. My fist lands at his lower jaw. He doesn’t miss a beat and grabs me. I try to push him away, so that I can get away. He wraps his arms around me, under my arms, and refuses to let go.
“Alexis, f*cking stop! Just tell me what I did wrong! Tell me please!” He shouts.

I cover my face with my hands and just go limp.

“I think you already f*cking know. Why would you do this to me? I’m not stupid, Eric! I’m really f*cking not.” I cry.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about right now. I’m not letting you go. You can fight me all you want but I’m not letting go of you. What brought this on? What specifically did I do wrong?” He asks, pressing his forehead to mine.

“Eric, come on. Please. Just drop the god damned charade already. You could have just told me you didn’t like me that way. You didn’t have to kiss my f*cking ass and pretend to date me. I would have f*cked you anyway if you would have just asked. We didn’t have to waste all of this time.” I rambled, dry heaving after each sentence.

“Alexis. I love you. I love you more than any f*cking thing else on this hellhole of a planet. I don’t know where the f*ck you’re getting this from. Or who the f*ck is saying this to you. If I find out I’m going to f*cking kill them.” He says, his voice sounding lost but softer than before.

“I got a letter. Someone wrote me a letter. How could you? How could you do this?” I say, struggling once again to push him away.

His embrace feels like poison working its way through my veins.

“What the f*ck? Alex, this has to be Nicole’s doings. I swear to f*cking God. No, I swear on my f*cking own mother I love you. I am not f*cking using you! Strike both my parents dead if I’m f*cking lying right now.” He says, tightening his arms around me.

I look up at him, his face is an expression of pure rage. And although I’m not scared of him, I’m scared of what that rage is going to be taken out on.

“Eric, no. It can’t be.” I start to say.

Before I can finish, he’s standing up and walking out of the stall. I panic and chase after him.

“Eric! Don’t!” I call out.

He doesn’t stop. At all. I should just take my exit now. I should just walk straight out of those doors to my left, get in my car and f*cking leave. I should just go home and go straight to bed and not deal with any of this bullsh*t. This is my chance.

“God damnit, Eric.” I mumble, as I don’t take that chance and proceed to run after him.

His walking is somehow faster than I can run right now. I finally catch up to him and grab him by the arm, pulling hard enough to make him face me.

“It’s not her handwriting! I know her f*cking handwriting and it isn’t hers.” I say, staring him in his eyes.

“You can’t just go around hitting girls when you’re mad.” I add.

“Oh, for f*ck sake Lex. I wasn’t going to hit her! I didn’t hit you and you’re pissing me off more than anyone else has in a while.” He retorts.

“Oh wow, so now I’m on the same level as Nicole?” I spit back.

“That’s not what I f*cking meant, and you know it!” He says, his voice rising again.

“What the f*ck am I supposed to think you meant? I don’t know if I even f*cking know you right now. I don’t know if I can trust anything you have said to me at all since, we started dating.” I say, straightening my posture.

I’m no longer feeling so sorry for myself. I’m pissed thinking, “if this isn’t true then why would someone completely random do this to me?” and on the other hand I’m f*cking furious thinking “This asshole really has the balls to lie straight to my face for the past few weeks and then when I find out, he continues to lie straight to my face again”. A newfound rage settles in me and I feel like I want to explode.

“God! You f*cking know me better than almost anyone else! I’ve told you sh*t that I haven’t even told Vodka for Christ’s sake! Are you really going to believe a random ass letter over the man you love?” He asks, his face turning to an expression of pure agony when he says the last sentence.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Eric.” I say.

I’m not lying. Anything can be true at this point.
He runs his hand over his hair and looks so frustrated that I honestly start to feel badly. But why am I the one to feel badly? For all I know he could be f*cking six other girls and pretending they’re his girlfriend too.

“Okay, Lex…then tell me one thing I have lied to you about. If you can prove that I have lied to you about anything then Ill get down on my hands and knees and beg for your forgiveness right here, right now.” He says, determined to make a point.

“Eric, I.” I sigh.

I know that I have had feelings that he’s lying to me at times. But it’s never been serious things. I feel like the bad guy at this point. What was the point of the letter? To break us apart for some f*cked up reason? Were people waiting in the wings to watch the bomb drop on our relationship? Just for their own wicked entertainment?

“Alexis, that’s because I have not lied to you! Please, believe me. I have not and would not.” He says walking over to me and grabbing my hand.

“I don’t know anymore. I am so confused.” I say, closing my eyes and covering them with my free hand.

I am not mortified. I just made a scene in front of the entire school and possibly pushed away the only person that’s taken the chance to know me at all.

“Please. Let me find out who wrote you this f*cking trash and I will make them admit they don’t know sh*t about me or how I feel. Just give me one chance.” He pleads, kneeling down in front of me.
People walking by to their next classes stop and stare at the two of us. I must look horrifying after the desperate ugly cry session in the bathroom. I pull his hand trying to make him stand back up.

“Come on, let’s talk this over at lunch instead. People are staring at us.” I say, wiping below my eyes to brush away any cried off mascara that may have happened.

“Promise me we will talk about it at lunch.” Eric says, looking up at me but not budging.

“I promise. Now get the f*ck up.” I say sternly.

“Since you promised. But I DON’T GIVE A f*ck WHO STARES AT ME!” He yells, making sure that any onlookers turn away.

He tries not to let go of my hand, but at this point he’s essentially just holding my limp hand in his. My mind has shut down for now and I’m on auto pilot. We go back and grab my backpack from first period. He walks me to my next class and follows me into the room until I sit down at my desk.

“Do you still have the letter on you?” He asks.

I don’t know if I should give it to him. It says not to. What if he finds out who wrote it and seriously injures them? I don’t know if I would be okay with him ending up in jail or expelled simply because of me.

“No, I flushed it when I went into the bathroom.” I lie.
Tit for tat. If he lies, then so can I.

“Oh.” He says, looking exhausted suddenly.

“Mr. Harris. Get to your own class, please!” My second period teacher says loudly.

Eric shoots her a look that I have never seen from him before and then smiles.

“Sorry Mrs. Warnick. I was just bringing Alexis her bag from first period. She forgot it.” Eric says, looking at me but talking to her.

Mrs. Warnick just shakes her head.

“I love you.” He says to me, “I f*cking mean it.”

He grabs my hand and touches the ring he had given me this morning.

“Ditto.” I say lifelessly.

“God damn, you make me so mad sometimes. But I still love you. I have to go before this old bitch writes me up. I’ll see you at lunch.” He says, before walking out of the classroom.

He stares directly at the teacher, even turning his head to keep staring as he walks out the door. I see him standing in the hallway for a moment, seemingly lost. I look down at my desk and a hot stream of tears rolls from my eyes and plops heavily on the desk. I use the sleeve of my sweater to quickly wipe it away and wipe my face. I can’t believe this is happening. I swore to myself that I would never do this to myself. I swore that I wasn’t even going to get involved with him to begin with. And in a moment of weakness I have betrayed myself. I can’t even be angry at him, honestly. The fault lays at my own feet, for believing in love. For being so f*cking foolish over the words of another human being. I lay my head down on my desk and stare at the wall beside of me. Examining the dimples in the paint from where it was spread across porous cinder block material.

“Alex Cutter. You’re needed at the office.” The teacher says, jarring me out of my dimples paint daydream.

“What?” I say, not really understanding words outside of my own head right now.

“The office called. They want you.” She says, narrowing her eyes at me.

A wave of “ohhh” washes over the room.

“Just shut the f*ck up already, Jesus Christ.” I snap, at nobody in particular, as I head for the door.

A few gasps are heard from behind me, but I ignore it as I walk lazily to the office. It’s going to take me at least ten minutes to get there from where I’m at. I slow down my pace. Hopefully fifteen. I don’t even know what I would be wanted for unless someone witnessed my psychotic freak out earlier in the bathrooms and decided to report me for a mental health issue.

“Hey. Wait,” I hear someone whisper behind me.
Heavily booted footprints run up on me.

“We have to go to the parking lot.” Dylan says, grabbing my arm.

He doesn’t grab me tightly, just enough to turn me in the right direction.

“I’m wanted at the office.” I say monotonously.

“No, you’re not. That was me calling.” He says, pulling me behind him.

“You’re walking too fast. I don’t have the energy in me to keep up with you.” I say, stopping in my tracks and looking down at the floor.

I feel like I’m running on emotional fumes. Danger Will Robinson. My thoughts are almost robotic.

“Dude, seriously. Come on. We have to get out the back doors before that asshole Gardner makes his rounds.” Dylan insists, pulling at my arm a little harder now.

“Whatever.” I say, slumping my shoulders and letting him drag me along.

My feet shuffle across the floor, a hypnotic whooshing as the legs of my jeans scoot across the tile around my shoes. Dylan’s footsteps are almost melodic, like the sound of my mother’s heels. But instead of Click-Clack, it’s more of a Clock-Clack. We reach the last corridor and the exit is now in sight.

“Wait, what the f*ck is this for?” I say, stopping and shaking my head.

“Reb is outside waiting. We have to go.” He says, starting to become irritated.

“Did he tell you everything?” I ask, eyeing him suspiciously.

“He told me what he knows so far.” He says solemnly.

“I mean, what is there to know? Besides the fact that I betrayed myself to be publicly humiliated by a whor* in sheep’s clothing?” I say, trying to pull my arm back from Dylan.

He stares at me for a minute and snickers.

“A whor* in sheep’s clothing?” He asks, tucking his lips in to conceal a laugh.

“Are you laughing at me?” I ask, tears welling up behind my eyes once again.

This crying in public thing seems to be getting easier.

“I’m not laughing at you,” He replies, rolling his eyes, “I’m laughing at the way you worded that.”

I start walking again. I may as well. Maybe if I’m lucky they’ll both get annoyed with me crying every five minutes and give up on me.
“Well, is he?” I ask, honestly not expecting an answer.

“You really think he would do something like that to you?” Dylan says, walking ahead of me once again, looking forward with determination.

“I don’t know.” I mumble.

“Don’t be so insulting. He wouldn’t. Okay? When do you two even have time away from each other to f*ck other people anyway?” Dylan say, pushing through the doors as we walk into the parking lot.

“If I let go of your arm are you going to run back inside? I don’t enjoy this. He adds.

“I don’t have the energy to run anywhere right now honestly. I just want to die.” I reply.

“Well, going back inside won’t kill you so it’s best to just get in the car. Plus, I don’t want him thinking I was holding your hand and killing me. Play nice, he’s very upset. Sit up front.” Dylan says, almost as if he’s reading a list of rules to me.

We approach Eric’s Honda Prelude and he frantically moves CD cases and a DOOM book off of the passenger side seat. I wait until it’s clear and open the door. Dylan slinks into the back seat and I finally sit down in the passenger side. Eric is staring at me intently but doesn’t say anything. I’m staring at my own shoes pressed against the floorboard. My head hurts.

“I couldn’t wait until lunch, Lex. I don’t want you to be miserable and wondering if any of that sh*t is true while I sit around with my thumb up my ass.” Eric says, finally breaking the silence.

“I was fine.” I whisper.

“Vodka put your headphones in, man.” Eric says, taking his hat off and throwing it on the dash.

He starts the car, while glancing in the rear-view mirror, I assume to see if Dylan followed orders.

“Don’t be mean. I didn’t mean to whisper because I thought he was listening.”” I say, finally looking over at Eric.

“You’re obviously not fine, either f*cking way. You look like your soul has been ripped out of you.” He says as he starts the car.

“It feels like it has.” I say, trying not to let my face reveal how much pain I’m truly in.

“Lex, remember when we talked about how all of these f*cking sh*theads at this school are the same? How us three are the only god damned different ones?” He says, pulling out of the parking lot.

“Yeah, I guess.” I mumble as I fasten my seat belt.

“Then why in the f*ck would you believe something one of these half wit zombies tells you? Especially when they didn’t even have the balls to f*cking say it to your face, they wrote it in a letter and shoved it into your locker. I don’t even know who the f*ck would have known you were coming back today besides me, and Vodka and I know it wasn’t one of us.” He says.

“I would like to believe it isn’t true. But my pride is killing me. It’s not that I believe these asshats over you, but if you’re the one with malicious intent then who else do I have to believe?” I say, straightening up in my seat.

He’s driving faster than usual.

“You should still believe me. What have I ever done to you that makes you think that this could even be close to true? What have I done so god damned wrong that you would trust the word of a stranger over me? Have I not proven myself over and over in the past couple weeks to you? To your family?” He rambles on, his voice cracking in between sentences.

He fumbles with a pack of cigarettes sitting in the cup holder and Dylan offers a lighter up from the back seat. Eric distractedly tries to grab for it and drops it. His frustration growing as we’re getting close to 65 MPH. I grab the cigarette and fish the lighter out from between the two front seats and light it, passing it to him.

“Oh great, now I basically force you to smoke too, huh?” He says, hitting the cigarette.

“Stop being stupid. I’ve smoked before, just not a daily thing. Eric, it’s not that I believe a stranger over you. I fought with myself and my dignity to even date you. It wasn’t because of you being YOU, it was because I just didn’t trust myself to fall for anyone at all. If I put all of my trust into you and you dick me over, then what do I have left? Huh? What do I have left?” I ask, the water works starting to flow all over again.

“I have nothing. Because then I can’t even trust in myself to make good decisions. And then I’m either a f*cking clown or a stupid f*cking bitch who put all my eggs into one basket and stuck around while a man smashed them.” I add, looking out the passenger side window.

“Do you think I don’t feel the same way? I’ve spent years talking about a woman’s place and then spend two paychecks on a ring for a woman after a few weeks of dating. What do you have? You have f*cking love. And if you’re so ashamed to be somebody’s bitch, then I don’t know what to tell you Alexis. It’s not like I’m a serial cheater or abusive or like I have ever done anything to you besides love you. The first rumor of trouble in paradise and you abandon ship. That makes me feel like nothing. That makes me feel like less than f*cking nothing. And I’m sick and god damned tired of feeling like nothing, let me tell you.” He says, slamming his hand on the steering wheel.

“Eric slow down please. I don’t mind going fast but now isn’t the time.” I ask softly.

“Are you scared?” He asks, his voice flat and emotionless.

“Yeah, I kind of f*cking am.” I reply sarcastically.

“Well, that’s exactly how I feel right f*cking now. That’s exactly how I felt when we were literally about to ditch school just to be together for a full day and moments later you run out of class and start literally fighting to push me away from you. This is how I feel.” He says, slamming a gear and picking up speed.
“I don’t know why you’re trying to scare me right now Eric.” I say, anxiety creeping up my spine.

I turn around to look at Dylan and gauge his reaction. He’s got his head turned, sunglasses on and headphones in…just gazing out the window at the highway markers flying by.

“I want you to trust me Alex. Stop being scared.” He says, holding the speed steady at almost 75.

“You can’t just say stop being scared and it magically just goes away.” I say, my voice shaking.

“Alexis, just stop being scared and trust me. Please.” He says, grabbing my hand.

I stare at him for almost a full minute, in silence. Studying his face and every crease and mole I can see. I find myself missing his smile, with him sitting right beside me. I feel like this has put a cold steel wall between us when I just want to feel his warmth wash over my entire body again. I want to be enveloped in his arms and meld away from the world again. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to wish for death. I want to trust him.

“I trust you Eric. I trust you.” I say.

“No, you don’t. Say it like you mean it. Think about it. I’m not threatening to f*cking crash or anything stupid. I’m just driving fast; do you trust me?” He says, glancing over at me for a split second.

I squeeze his hand and bury my face into his shoulder. He puts his arm around me, and I feel the car slow down. The amount of tears I have shed today don’t compare to the amount I’m now releasing into the shoulder of his flannel.

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I truly am. Please don’t hate me. I don’t know what the f*ck I would do.” He says, pulling over to the shoulder off of the road and wrapping both arms around me.

I dry heave and hate myself for it. I unbuckle my seat belt so I can get closer to him. I just wish I could be swallowed whole right now, anything to stop this empty feeling.

“Look, calm down,” he says, cupping my tear streaked face in his hands.

“I’m trying.” I say, my hiccupped breath saying otherwise.

“I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me baby, please.” He says, pulling me over to him and smoothing my hair down in the back.

“I can’t hate you Eric, that’s the problem.” I say, pulling back and wiping my face.

“Come here.” He says, pulling me all the way over onto his lap.

He squeezes me tightly and I bury my face into him once more. I’ve prayed for an escape from the real world for most of my life. I just didn’t expect it to come at a price like this or feel so terribly when I thought it would be taken away.

Chapter 16: They know your name and they know what you're about

Chapter Text

4:15 pm - Cutter Residence

After the events of the day, I honestly just wanted to get home as quickly and smoothly as possible and prayed that my parents hadn’t gotten a call about me skipping the majority of my classes.

I pulled into the driveway and my heart sank, they obviously hadn’t heard about my antics because neither one of them were even home yet. I was relieved yet disappointed. After everything that had went wrong today, I really just wanted to talk it over with mom and see what her opinion on everything would have been. But, go figure, when I need to talk no one is to be found in this house.

I walked into the house and headed straight up the stairs to my bedroom. I flung the door open and tossed my backpack and jacket on the bed across the room. I started to take my jeans off, hoping to get in a nap before my parents came home, but the phone on my desk started to ring. I sighed heavily and then walked over to it.

“Hello?” I said, sighing heavily into the receiver.

“Hey Alex. It’s Vod…I mean Dylan. I wanted to make sure you were okay. Today was kind of crazy for you.” I heard.

Why would he care? He pretty much forced me into a speeding death trap.

“I guess I’m okay. I don’t know why you would care. You don’t like me all that much anyway.” I said softly, too exhausted to filter my thoughts.

“That’s not fair. I’ve never said that. Did you forget who literally carried you to the car to go to the hospital when you were turning blue?” Dylan retorted.

“I’m sorry, I just…” I started, “I’m just so mentally tired from all this sh*t today.”

“I’m sorry. Look, I hope I didn’t piss you off by making you go and talk to Reb. I just can’t stand to see my best friend in that kind of pain.” He said convincingly enough.

“It’s fine dude. I just want to know who would even write that to me if it wasn’t true. Do you think he would?”

“He would what?” He asked.

“Do you think he’s f*cking other people? Honestly, Dylan don’t lie to me.” I said, trying to sound strong enough to take the worst case scenario answer.

A long silence, I start thinking that he hung up on me.

“No. I know he’s not. Someone probably wrote that note to break you guys up. And if they saw you guys today it probably made them regret even doing it. I wouldn’t dwell on it. He really cares about you.”

“You wouldn’t lie to me would you, Dylan?” I ask, cautiously.

“What reason do I have to lie to you Alexis? You’re not my girlfriend. You’re his.” He replied, in an odd tone before clearing his throat.
“Okay, I guess. Can I ask you one more thing?” I say, after a brief pause.

I feel like I’m annoying him already.

“Sure. What’s that?”

“Does he do this with everyone?” I ask, picking at a hangnail on my finger.

“Do what?” He asked, seeming confused.

“Everything. Everything we do.” I reply.

“Reb was lucky to get a girl to go to the movies with him. You’re the only one that’s got this far with him. Or gotten to know him more than what’s under the surface, I guess.” He says, nonchalantly.

“Alright man. I guess I’ll let you go.” I say, feeling slightly better.

“Alex,” He says, “Don’t tell him I called. You know how weird he can get sometimes.”

“I won’t if you won’t.” I say, before hanging up the phone.

I set the receiver back on the hook and go back to doing what I was doing before the call. Trying to make myself as comfortable as possible. My eyes feel heavy and my neck aches from tension. Once again the phone rings, echoing loudly throughout my bedroom. I’m way too tired to talk to anyone right now. I figure if it’s anything important, or Eric, my mom will come and wake me up since my phone line is shared with the phone in our kitchen.

I get changed into an oversized shirt and flop face down onto my bed. I turn my head once to face the window and am almost instantly asleep.
I’m woken up by a loud noise and startle myself awake. Rubbing my eyes and looking around I wipe drool from my face and sit up. My back is aching from falling asleep on my stomach and I groan as I look around my room searching for the source of the sound. I look at the glow of my alarm clock through the dim light of my bedroom.

10:45 p.m.

Everything is eerily silent for a moment and then I hear the noise again. It’s coming from my backpack. I lean over and grab it from the foot of my bed and unzip it. My pager lights up, illuminating the contents of my bag. I have 6 separate pages. I bring up the first one by pushing the up arrow button on the top of my beeper.

‘5-9/5-9’ it reads.

It was my schedule for returning to work. I had completely forgotten that I had to work the next two days and the thought itself pained me. I knew I should be thankful to even have a job, at my age, but I would have rather drug my bare asshole across a mile of concrete sidewalk than go to work.

Almost as soon as I set my pager down it goes off yet again. My head is pounding from exhaustion and I lay face down on my bed and fall almost immediately back into a deep sleep.

Whatever it is will have to wait until tomorrow.

11:50 pm - Klebold Residence

“She’s going to f*cking kill you dude.” Dylan says, shaking his head in dismay.

“If I don’t kill her first. I don’t know why her mom’s lying to me now, I know she isn’t asleep yet.” Eric rambles on, his hands animated beside of his body as he paces the room.

“You’re losing your sh*t.” Dylan says, sounding resigned to the matter already.

“Do you think she’s hiding something? You don’t think she would..” Eric says in a hushed tone, his head jerking quickly towards Dylan.

“f*ck no, she loves you. She’s probably just tired after all the sh*t that happened today. I know I f*cking am and it wasn’t even about me.” Dylan says, kicking the foot rest out on the recliner.

“I swear to God, Vodka. If anyone else so much as even rubs up against her, I’ll be in jail before NBK even kicks off.” Eric rattles on.

“You never did tell me what the plan was for NBK, with this wrench thrown in.” Dylan says, cracking open a can of soda.

“Well I don’t f*cking know now! I wanted to take her with me, but whatever asshole wrote that f*cking letter sort of f*cked it up a little…I think.” Eric replies, his shoulders visibly slumped.

‘He’s running out of rage and energy, thank f*cking God.’ Dylan thought as he nodded in response.
“I hope when the day comes I know who wrote it, they’re definitely going first. I’ll put one of the propane tanks directly under his f*cking table and BKOOSH, can’t write sh*t now can you, Mr. I just blew up into a thousand pieces.” Eric mumbles to himself, after flopping down on the love seat.

“You’re a crazy mother f*cker, man. How do you even know it’s a dude anyway?” Dylan says softly, throwing his arm over his eyes.

“Can you grab the house phone for me V?” Eric says, sliding the top half of his body off of the couch, towards the floor.

He waits a second, as he’s looking over at Dylan so that he looks as if he’s upside down, reclining on the ceiling.

“Don’t page her again. She’s already going to stab you in the chest for sending that fake schedule.” Dylan mumbles.

“At least if she doesn’t talk to me in school, I know where she will be after. That’s not crazy, that’s planning ahead.” Eric says, blood rushing to his face as he stays hanging from the couch.

“You need to take your f*cking meds or something.” Dylan says, nearing sleep as the seconds tick by.

“No, you’re right. I probably shouldn’t have done that. But, even Max is lying to me now, she must have told her about everything, so it’s not like I can go over there.” Eric says, blinking slowly as he stares across the room.

His thoughts were racing. Hundreds of miles per minute, one idea to the next yet none were any more logical than the first, which was a fleeting stain just seconds after it occurred.

Maybe Dylan was right, he should have taken his medication this morning. And maybe he shouldn’t have sent a page pretending to be Alex’s boss. But things felt so unsure and rocky right now, he felt like he was grasping at air as he fell backwards off of a cliff. He hadn’t felt so much lack of control since leaving Oscada.

“Shut up.” Dylan mumbled in his sleep, jerking Eric out of his own thoughts.

Eric sat up and threw a small soft throw pillow at Dylan’s head, he didn’t budge, just snored softly as if he was sleeping the most peaceful sleep he had slept in his entire life. Eric envied him at that moment but there was no way in hell he was going to be able to sleep, let alone sleep like that.

Eric stood up from the couch and looked at the clock. Time had flown by while he was wrapped up in ranting, it was almost 1 a.m. He had to do something, 1 a.m. or not. He grabbed his coat and keys laying on the end table and headed for his car. He hadn’t asked Sue if he could stay over anyway and he had probably already overstayed his welcome at that point.

“See you at school tomorrow dick face.” Eric called to a sleeping Dylan as he locked and then shut the front door behind him.

The air outside was crisp and almost numbingly cold. He could hear the sound of his boots pressing hard against the frosted grass and rocks. It was like stepping on small shards of glass. Such heavy noise for such small pieces of Earth.

The jingling sound of his keys unlocking his driver’s side door echoed through the hills around him. Maybe by the time he got home he would be tired enough to lay down.

Eric’s car coasted softly down the winding road with a low hum, his left hand on the steering wheel, his right flipping through a black CD case. He awkwardly maneuvers a silver, black and green CD from it’s usual spot in the case and slips it into his CD player. He skips to the third song on the album and turns the volume up until he can feel the deep vibration of bass in his chest.

“There's a rusty halo on my head,
It must have been something that I said.
This is the dome of my betrayal.
This is the final broken nail.
Fill this hole, suck this soul.
I am the thing that I can't control.”

Eric felt his body start to relax and his mind followed shortly thereafter. Gripping the steering wheel he picked up speed and after a few moments, finally felt at ease. Like he was one with the machine.

This was one of the few moments when nothing was going through his head. Nothing at all. Not school, not work, not friends or dickhe*ds at school, not his troubles with Alex. Not even simple thought processes that accompanied driving, “Turn left, turn right, don’t lose control”, were there. Just a blank canvas and raw human instinct, at 85 MPH on an empty back road through the mountains.

By the time he got back to town his eyes were getting heavy with exhaustion. Mental and physical. He thought about going straight home and crawling into bed but decided to ride past Alex’s house. He told himself it was just to see if her bedroom light was on. If it was, then he would know for sure she was avoiding his calls.

“If it is, it’s not the end of the world. We still have tomorrow. I still have tomorrow. It’s not over yet.” He told himself.

Patience wasn’t his strong suit though. His hands trembled as he rounded the block and slowly pulled up to the sidewalk outside of Alex’s house. He stared up at her window. There was no light on, just the faint greenish blue glow that came from her annoyingly bright alarm clock. But the window was slightly open and the curtains stirred as the wind blew.

“She will get sick again if she sleeps with the window open. I should go up and close it.” He said softly, trying to convince himself that it was a completely normal and appropriate idea.

“I’ve climbed in through that window many times. It’s not a violation of privacy if I just climb up and close it. No matter how mad she is at me. I didn’t even do anything wrong, to begin with, so it’s not creepy.” He muttered, as he turned off the engine and laid his keys on his passenger seat.

He stared up at the open window and rubbed his palms across the knees of his jeans.

“I need a pen and paper. I don’t want her to be scared if she wakes up and the window is closed. I should leave a note.” He said, rummaging through his glove box.

He pulls out a pen and piece of paper and starts to scrawl a note on it.

“Alexis, I was on my way home and seen your window open. I didn’t want you to get sick, again, so I closed it. Wanted to let you know it wasn’t some crazed night stalker. I love you, please find me tomorrow at school.

Eric”

“Perfect.” He whispers to himself as he shoves the note in his pocket.

He closes his car door softly and takes long strides across her front yard. He was trying his best to make it to the shadow cast by the veranda beneath her window before one of their nosy neighbors seen him. Looking around to make sure he couldn’t see anyone, he hopped up onto the lattice work, jamming the toe of his boot into the diamond shaped holes and pulling himself up with his arms. He scrambled to keep his grip once he made it on top of the veranda. It was frosted over and quite slippery around this time of night and he usually had gloves on when he did this.

“sh*t.” He whispered, standing up to steady himself.

“Just my luck I’ll fall off this son of a bitch and die in their front yard.” He thought to himself.
The thought amused him slightly and he laughed lightly as he peered into Alex’s bedroom window. She laid sideways on her bed, one leg still on the floor. It looked as if she had been standing and just fell forward into a deep sleep. The scene was awkward and unsettling to him. She didn’t look comfortable and a pained anxious look washed over her face. Was she having a bad dream? Probably because she wasn’t in a comfortable position to sleep well.

“I’m already up here, I may as well go in and put her to bed.” He mumbled.

He stuck one leg inside of the window, extending it until he felt carpet beneath his feet. Ducking his head, he’s standing eerily still in the dark, waiting for his eyes to adjust. Alex stirs uncomfortably on the bed but still half on the mattress and half off and standing. He co*cks his head to the side and stares at her for almost a full minute.

He had slept beside of her quite a few times already but this time he felt like a spectator. A ghost in the room or a fly on the wall.

“I should probably wake her slightly so I can move her on to the bed.” He thought to himself.
Stepping softly across the carpet, he hovers close to her from behind. How do you touch a sleeping person when they don’t know you’re even in the room? Well, you probably shouldn’t.

“Alex, babe, wake up.” He whispers to her.

He leans in and tucks her hair behind her ear, her eyes moving rapidly beneath the lids. He wonders what she’s dreaming about. Or what she dreams about any other night. He hopes it’s him.

“Alexis, baby. Wake up.” He whispers into her ear directly this time.

She stirs, slowly and unconsciously, bringing one of her legs up underneath of her as if she’s going to actually climb up onto the bed. He waits and watches for a few more seconds but she has drifted back into the sleeping realm as quickly as she came out of it.

Shaking his head and feeling more like Richard Ramirez by now than her loving boyfriend worried that she will catch a cold, he scoops her body up in his arms. She’s dead weight for a second and he thinks to himself, how do people carry bodies to hide them? Eric swings Alexis’ lower half onto the bed and sets her down but realizes he’s placed her upside down, with her feet towards the pillows, and sighs heavily.

“Jesus f*cking Christ, man.” He mumbles to himself.

This will have to do, he decides. He grabs a pillow and places is under her head, gently. He smooths a hand over her hair and cups her chin for a moment.

Eric roots through his pocket for a second and produces the note he had written in the car. He lays it beneath Alex’s pager on her night stand and then taps the bright green alarm clock, setting the usual school alarm programmed into it.

As quickly as he was in, he was on his way back out. He closed the window behind himself and shimmied back down the lattice beneath the veranda. A soft thud echoed against the house when his boots hit the ground. He glances left and then right, and makes a run for his car. He looks back up at the window once more before pulling around the block to his own driveway.

6:00 a.m. - Cutter Residence

I jolted awake to the sound of my alarm, almost jumping completely out from under my comforter. How long had I even slept? I don’t remember even setting my alarm when I had come in from school.

I start my usual morning routine, and a few minutes later I’m brushing my teeth as I pace back into my bedroom. There’s something under my pager so I go over to it and pick it up. It’s a letter from Eric.

I read it slowly, because his handwriting is so…erratic. I’m puzzled for a second and realize he was in my room while I was asleep last night. I dash to the phone on my desk and attempt to call him.

It feels like the line rings for hours, but it was only five times.

“Don’t be mad at me.” He says, before even saying a hello.

“Eric, why would I be mad? Why didn’t you just stay when you were here?” I sputter.

“I didn’t know that I could. I felt really bad even going in last night since we had an argument yesterday and I acted…”

I cut him off.

“We didn’t have an argument! I was upset about some asshole lying to me about you!” I shriek.

I should calm down, but this makes me feel crazy. How many times had he crawled in my window before this? Why would he suddenly feel like he couldn’t just get in bed beside me and fall asleep, like any other night?

“What’s going on with you? Seriously.” I sigh, I genuinely want to know.

“I just haven’t been feeling myself lately, I guess. It’s hard to explain.” He says softly.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be a bitch, I’m worried about you. That just wasn’t…normal. Any other night you would have just crawled in bed beside of me and wrapped your arms around me to let me know you were there. It really upsets me, it’s like you think our connection has been broken or something.” I ramble on.

“That’s kind of…I mean, now I know it’s not. I’m sorry. Hell, I figured I’d be apologizing for going into your room today, not about not staying.” He says, sounding slightly confused but laughing.

“Look, no matter what stupid f*cking sh*t Columbine throws at us, it’s not going to change how I feel. Only you, yourself, can do that by f*cking someone else.” I laugh.

“Well, I have no intentions of f*cking anyone else. If that helps any.” He says, strangely calmer now.

“As long as you don’t come in to my bedroom and pull a Richard Ramirez and shove a phone up my ass, you’re free to come in any time to want.” I say, smiling like an idiot at the wall over my desk.

“He did that?” Eric asks after a few seconds of silence.

“Oh god, shut up. I’ll see you at school. Meet me in the parking lot and we can walk in together. I have to throw my work sh*t in my car and then I’m leaving.” I say.

“Oh, don’t do…” He says, but I’ve already hung up the receiver in my rush to Grab my uniform from the dryer.

I pull into the school parking lot and he has already beat me there. He looks over at me and beams a smile at me. I roll down my passenger side window.

“I’m sorry I hung up on you, I was in a rush.” I apologize.

He turns his music down.

“No big deal.” He says, laying his head on his arm for a second before he co*cks his head at me.

I turn my car off and grab my purse and shove it into my backpack. By the time I’m out of my car he’s still sitting in his, staring dreamily at me.

“How much sleep did you get last night?” I ask after walking over to his car door.

I open it and he stays inside, so I crouch down beside him.

“Come here.” He says, turning towards me and pulling me towards him.

“Eric, we really have to actually go to school today.” I complain, but allow him to pull me over to him.

I lay my head on his lap as he runs his hands through my hair.

“You’re undoing all of my curls and hairspray.” I say, looking up at him.

“You’ll live.” He says, now deliberately separating one crisp curl near my face.

I lay still for a moment, my shoulders between his legs and my head laying on his lap. I could honestly fall back asleep right here, if it wouldn’t look so much like I was sucking dick in a parking lot.

“Come up here before you get your knees dirty.” He says.

I stand up and he scoots the driver’s seat back, and I sit on his lap and wrap my arms around him, under his. He squeezes me tightly.

“I miss you so f*cking much.” He says into my ear.

“I missed you too. I don’t like feeling like I can’t touch you whenever I want.” I say, burying my face into his neck.

“Big f*cking ditto.” He laughs.

“Well, you could have touched me all you wanted last night, but you didn’t. That was so gentleman like of you.” I joke.

“I can’t say I didn’t think about it. Especially when I climbed in and seen you were literally halfway on the bed and half off. I stood there and was like…” He makes a crude gesture behind my back that I can’t see.

“Oh my f*cking God, stop.” I laugh.

“I love when you call me your God, but I guess we should go in this hellhole. Let’s try to make it a full day. I’ve been having to pay Vodka to do what work I’ve missed lately and he’s not cheap.” He says, as we untangle ourselves.

“No you didn’t.” I say, contesting what he said.

“I’m joking,” He laughs “I still do all of my work, even when we leave.”

“At least one of us is.” I say, pulling my backpack on that I’d left lay on my car hood.

He slaps me hard on the ass, startling me for a second.

“You better be doing your work too!”

I squeal and run from him and he gives chase, grabbing me at the waist. We’re laughing and he’s struggling to try to take me down on a set of entrance stairs.

“Oh, how f*cking…cute. You two aren’t trying to kill each other today.” I hear from over Eric’s shoulder.

I pull him down with me and see Nicole over his shoulder. His head snaps back, he’s instantly pissed off the moment he realizes it’s her.

I scowl at her, but have no words. Maybe she’s right. My heart sinks in my chest. I’m distracted for a minute with Eric quickly kissing me and then standing up. I’m stunned, but he extends his hand to me and pulls me up. I brush invisible dirt from the back of my skirt. I look up and Nicole is still standing there. She wants a confrontation.

“Look bitch, I know you’re so over the top f*cking jealous that nobody’s f*cking you. But you don’t have to take that out on us.” Eric says, not looking directly at her.

He seems to be calming down now. Impulse control on my behalf, I assume.

“Come on babe, don’t give her the attention she wants.” I say, I pull at his hand but he won’t budge.

“The attention I want? What about you yesterday? You may as well have just ran in circles around the school yesterday screaming ‘BOO HOO FEEL SORRY FOR ME MY BOYFRIEND IS A DISGUSTING ASSHOLE’.” She retorts, still looking directly at me.

Eric squeezes my hand once and lets go, I fumble with his arm and try to grab him but he’s too quick. He’s standing in front of her. She’s a few inches taller than he is, but I think this took her by surprise.

“Trust me, I don’t see you as a woman. You grow a thicker mustache than my father. I will knock your ass out if you don’t shut the f*ck up, for once in your miserable pathetic f*cking life.” Eric says, jabbing her with one finger in the chest.

She stumbles backwards, over dramatic theatrics for a finger to the chest if you ask me. I grab Eric’s arm from behind. I don’t want her to start screaming and make a scene and get him in trouble. And I have a feeling that’s instantly what is going through her head right now.

“And if you start screaming like I’ve already hit you, you’re just going to get it so much f*cking worse when I do see you again. So don’t even f*cking think about it.” He says, pulling me behind him.

She is standing in stunned silence as he shoulder checks her hard, pulling me past her.

“You two are f*cking freaks! You deserve each other!” She screams, stomping off.

“Thanks! We think so too!” I call back to her.

“I swear to f*cking God, I would love to just rip her to f*cking shreds.” He says, still pulling me hard behind him.

“Although I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t want you to hit girls for me. I don’t want people to think you’re a bad person.” I say softly.

“I’ll be the f*cking bad guy to everyone here, as long as it gives you peace. You shouldn’t have to deal with her or anyone else’s sh*t. I wish I would have knew and clocked her ass four years ago for you.” He rambles on, he’s clearly more agitated by the second.

I stop and pull his face into my hands.

“Look, I’m fine. I promise. We’re out of this f*cking hell hole in a couple of months anyway and then we’re both free to hit her with a shovel and throw her in a canal somewhere.” I say, pressing my forehead to his.

A look comes across his face that I can’t read and he wraps his arms around me tightly, and buries his face into my neck. I laugh and he starts nipping at me.

“Okay, this is the moment we both usually say let’s get the f*ck out of here, so let’s force ourselves to walk to class.” I laugh trying to push him away.

He bites harder and doesn’t let go. I squirm in his arms.

“Eric stop you’re going to leave a mark.” I squeal.

He stops.

“So?” He says, raising an eyebrow at me.

I scowl at him.

“Too late, already did.” He says, pushing my hair out of my face.

“Liar.” I say, dragging him towards class.

“Guess you’ll see when you go to pee at 10:26, as always.” He laughs.

“I do not!” I say, finally reaching first period.

“Do so, I know this sh*t. I’ve stalked you for four years now.” He says, deliberately trying to creep me out.

“Okay Mr. Nightstalker, we’ll see then I guess.” I roll my eyes at him.

Chapter 17: Streetlights blink on through the car window

Chapter Text

The rest of my day at school had been uneventful, except for a few remarks from Eric’s friends about the giant bite mark he left on my neck.

I was slowly becoming more comfortable to walk over to their table at lunch time in the commons and take a seat now, instead of having Eric meet me at the top of the stairs like I was doing before. I was slowly becoming part of someone’s “group”. Even though Eric frequently would say that nobody at the table was truly his friend except for Dylan, it felt good to be a part of a social circle for one of the first times in my life. And although the remarks were snide, I didn’t mind because it was all in playful fun and mostly directed at Eric and not myself. Usually if they got too rowdy in my presence Dylan would clear his throat loudly and the topic of conversation or well-meaning joke would change direction. At first, I thought this meant that they were hiding something from me, when this happened. But once I became comfortable with the group, I realized Dylan just thought some topics were too crude to talk about in front of me or maybe girls in general. I appreciated the sentiment though, as juvenile as it was.

“Guys just shut the f*ck up about it, GOD!” Dylan said, interrupting the other boy’s obnoxious chatter.

He smacked his hands down on the lunch table in front of us and everyone suddenly went quiet. I jumped, startled more so that the sound came from Dylan in general rather than the volume of his voice or the sound his hands made on the table.

“What crawled up your ass dude?” One of the other guys asked.

His name was Eric also, but I couldn’t remember how his last name was pronounced and didn’t care to because I never spoke directly to him. He had a loud obnoxious laugh and constantly taunted Eric about an ex who sat nearby our table. Another detail I didn’t care to pay attention to.

“Nothing, you f*cks give me a headache with your nonsense.” Dylan said deadpan, running his hand through the front of his hair.

Eric squeezed his arms around me as I sat on his lap.

“Let’s get him out of here.” He whispered into my ear, through my hair.

I nodded and stood up off him.

“We’ll catch you guys later, come on Vodka, we got sh*t to do.” Eric said, nodding in Dylan’s direction.

Dylan looked visibly relieved that we stood up. He got up so quickly from his chair that he didn’t scoot it back in, he just walked away, putting his hat on backwards as he took long strides up the staircase with us in a slow jog behind him.

“Hey, Dyl, wait up. My legs are super short, bro.” I say, stopping at the top of the staircase, Eric running up behind me.

He turns around slowly and has a look of annoyance on his face and then it softens as he smiles at me.

“My bad, I forgot that you’re like three feet tall.” Dylan laughs and taps his boot against the floor.

“Four and a half.” Eric chimes in, from behind me.

Eric grabs me from behind and tickles me playfully on the sides.

“Oh, f*ck you both!” I squeal, pushing his hands off my ribs.

“So, seriously though, what’s going on dude?” Eric asks, adjusting his hat on his head and then grabbing me by the hand.

“I don’t know, man. I’m just tired of this sh*t hole. I’m tired of this town. This whole f*cking charade.” Dylan says, starting to walk towards the smoker’s pit.
Eric follows closely behind Dylan, pulling me by the hand.

“You just gotta hang in there, man. We don’t have long,” Eric pauses for a second as we walk out of the doors, “Well, until you know.”

“Graduation? I swear with graduation being less than 6 months away, I don’t give a f*ck about any of this. Or any of these people. Besides you guys, there won’t be sh*t I miss about this idiotic 3 ring circus.” I say, setting my backpack down on the ground and then crouching beside of it.

Dylan pulled his sunglasses out of the front pocket of his black duster and put them on. He just nodded slowly at my statement but didn’t say anything. His expression said he was mulling it over though.

I looked up at Eric, a ray of sunshine shone down between the two of us. Completely blocking my vision of him for a second, until I brought my hand up to shield my eyes.

“Staring at the sun isn’t really the smartest thing you could do before graduation.” Eric said, poking fun at my lack of sunglasses as he slid his own onto his face and crouched beside me.

I shoved him slightly, and he caught himself by grabbing onto my forearm, which in turn pulled me over on to him slightly.

“I may not be the brightest, but you always end up beneath me, so….” I say jokingly.

“I guess we can call that a win-win situation then.” He says, smiling up at me.

I press my lips to his forehead and regain my balance on the balls of my feet. I’m digging through my backpack for next period’s homework as the boys start smoking. Dylan looks at his watch as he exhales a big cloud of smoke and then sighs.

“We have seven minutes before we have to go back in.” Dylan says, sounding strangely monotone.

“Dude, you have almost perfect attendance. Why don’t you just go the f*ck home today? Nobody will notice.” Eric said, in a faint attempt to make his friend feel better.

“Gee, thanks.” Dylan said, smirking.

“That’s not what I f*cking meant.” Eric replied, blowing a cloud of smoke upwards.

“I can’t. My dad’s home today anyway.” Dylan says, flicking ash from his half-smoked cigarette.

“Oh, that sucks.” Eric said, his shoulders visibly slumping.

The exchange struck me as odd. Eric seemed to become visibly distressed that he had no reprieve for Dylan. My parents weren’t home and weren’t expected to be home until tonight.

“Go to my house.” I said, after a long awkward silence.

“Huh?” Dylan said, discarding his cigarette into an ugly plastic outside ashtray.

“Leave and go to my house. My parents aren’t home and won’t be for a while. I can give you my key. You can nap in the living room or go lay in my bed. Eric can stop over after school gets out. I have a couple hour shift at work though. But y’all are free to hang out there until I get home.” I said, finding my keys inside of my backpack and then zipping it back up.

“For real?” Dylan asked, looking down at me from over his sunglasses.

“Yeah, here.” I say, tossing him the keys and then pulling my backpack straps over my arms.

He catches them with one hand.

“You’re the f*cking best, Lex. I’ll catch you losers later then.” Dylan says, making awkward finger guns at Eric and me.

Eric shakes his head in faux embarrassment.

“See ya, douche. Have fun at my girlfriend’s house.” He calls out to an already leaving Dylan.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I heard Dylan say before exiting a door down the hallway.

“That was really nice of you.” Eric said curtly, throwing his arm around my shoulder.

“Yeah, he doesn’t seem very mentally…well today.” I said, hesitating for lack of a better word.

“It happens.” Eric replies, taking my hand as we walk towards our next class.

“It has to.” I say and shrug.

Dylan stuck the key into the golden knob on the front door of Alex’s house and turned. He tried to turn the knob, but his gloved hand slid around the knob instead. He pulled the glove off his left hand with his mouth and looked around as he finally opened the front door.

‘The neighbors probably think I’m some type of suspicious burglar breaking in and the police will pull up in about ten minutes.’ He thought, closing the door behind him.

He listened carefully to the silence of the house for a moment before taking long steps through the foyer and into the living room. There was usually a television or radio on in the living room, but with everyone gone for the day nothing filled the room except hollow silence. He started to become uneasy.

‘Would you rather have stayed at school and be f*cked with all day by moronic zombies or would you rather be here, in silence with your own thoughts?’

Dylan smirked to himself, he didn’t even know how to answer his own rhetorical question.

He scanned the room for the remote and quickly found it resting on the arm of the recliner beside the dark oak end table. For a moment, comfort washed over him, and he plopped himself down onto the recliner and curled his legs up to his chest.

‘Take your boots off jackass.’

As if he was acknowledging another entity completely, he nodded and then started to untie his boots. He let them drop to the floor, one by one, with a loud thud and then pulled them neatly to the side of the recliner.

‘This should be more awkward than it is.’ He mused.

Was it the fact that Alex was a comfortable person and so were her parents by association? Or was it that her parents were comforting, and Alex was thereafter? Dylan sighed heavily, either way, he was comfortable to be exactly where he was for the first time today since waking up in his own bed.

He used the remote to click the box style television set on and hit the guide button.

‘Max must have been watching television before work. It’s on the Spanish soap channel.’ He thought as he smirked.

Maxine was always really friendly to Dylan and he enjoyed the company of easily impressed adults. As unfortunate as it felt, because he loved his parents more than anything in the world, he really favored Maxine as an adult. She was interesting and honest. She didn’t bullsh*t him or Eric as if they were children, but she also didn’t cut any of them any slack as if they were her own children. The few times Dylan had been here were classified as some of his favorite times in the past year, even if some pretty sh*tty stuff like Alexis almost dying happened. He was content anywhere he was treated as an equal and with respect.

‘Or you’re comfortable because you’re a f*cking idiot who thinks that Alex will one day be the girl you dream about so often.’

The thought startled him into a sitting position. Out of instinct he cleared his throat, hoping to clear his mind. When that didn’t work, he took his hat off and ran his fingers through his hair.

‘Seriously, what the f*ck is wrong with you? Were you trying to save NBK or were you trying to destroy Erics one chance at happiness before the whole sh*thouse goes up in flames?’

Alright. That was enough internal dialogue for the day for him, he decided. There was a stereo system with headphones upstairs in the hallway. If he couldn’t distract his thoughts maybe he could deafen them. Surely Alex had some decent CD’s in her room.

Dylan stood from the recliner almost robotically. His legs carrying him up the staircase and to the right, down the hallway, before he was physically aware of his own surroundings.

‘And this is what we call dissociation, class. Diagram 1.A., Dylan Bennett Klebold.’

Dylan groaned at his own thoughts. He had gotten so used to being sh*t on that most of the time his own mind was tormenting him worse than his classmates ever had. But at least he could trust his own thoughts. Unlike his “friends” over the years, who either forgot about him once they got girlfriends or used him as a social step ladder to meet better more fun friends. At least he knew his own thoughts and secrets would never escape his own mind and embarrass him, not like with things he told his old friends. He had learned his lesson many times over, especially with things he had told Zach or Devon. Many times, he thought that Zach was going to be his best friend forever. That if he were going to survive on this horrible simulation of a planet, it would be because he had a good solid friend in Zach. But that didn’t work out quite as he had planned.

‘What’s the difference with Eric and Alexis though? You know he’d leave your ass standing on D-Day if Alex found out anything.’

He shook his head furiously, trying to physically shake away the thought. Rationally, he knew Eric was a man of his word. He had nothing to worry about. They made plans and would see them through completely. Reb hated this planet and its people just as much as he did, if not more. He would never leave him hanging, not like those other f*ckers.

‘You can’t blame him though. If it were you, f*cking Alex every night, you would want to stay here too.’

“Jesus f*cking Christ just shut up!” Dylan said, slamming his fist against the paneling of the hallway.

He decided he wasn’t going to give himself anymore time or room to think. He headed straight into Alexis’ bedroom and searched for her CD’s. She had a very small selection of formally bought albums; Pulp Fiction Soundtrack, an ancient Eurythmics discography, whatever the f*ck New Radicals was, and the double disk Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness by Smashing Pumpkins. He grabbed the case with the double disks inside and walked over to her computer desk. A stack of burnt CD’s sat on a spool beside her keyboard. He picked them up and flipped through them casually. There weren’t any better options that he could tell from looking through them. Plus, it felt invasive to listen to every mixed CD she made for herself just trying to find a decent song.

‘Stop snooping. You have an hour and a half before Reb’s here.’

He didn’t feel as if he was actually snooping. He was only looking at a stack of compact disks. He hated how his own mind poisoned and vilified him.

He walked out to the hallway and sat down in the corridor in front of the huge stereo system.

Dylan was fairly sure that the door next to the stereo system lead to Alex’s father’s office. He stared up at the stark white contrast of the door against dark wood grained paneling before putting the first disk into the CD player of the stereo system.
Loud almost classical type music blared from the headphones. Luckily, he had yet to put them on. He turned the volume down and put the headphones on. Vibration pushed hard against his ear drum, even with the volume sitting at a steady 7 out of 35.

Around three minutes into the album, the song changed. Dylan pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on his arms folded across them. He sighed heavily and stared down the hallway at a paint chipped door. This door was different than the rest of the other doors in the hallway. The door to the office was a blinding white, the one to the master bedroom was a heavy oak door with a glossy sheen, and Alexis’ bedroom door was dark green with a fading yellow accent. She must have chosen the paint, or the door itself, when she was much younger. It didn’t really suit her.

Dylan’s mind drifted off to an article he had read years ago that said the color of a person’s front door spoke volumes for what kind of a person they were. If that was true, Alex’s bedroom door should have been turquois. The color of emotional balance, having big hopes and dreams and a belief that anything is possible if you plan hard enough. Cool, calculated, peaceful. In Native American culture turquois symbolized creation and the hope for security and beauty. That’s exactly who Dylan thought Alex was. Although he didn’t really know her on a sole personal level, he just got that from her “vibe” and actions.

He had started to let his thoughts get carried away. The fifth song on the album played an all too familiar melody that snapped him back to reality.

“The useless drag of another day. The endless drags of a death rock boy. Mascara sure and lipstick lost. Glitter burned by restless thoughts of being forgotten. And in your sad machines, you'll forever stay, desperate and displeased with whoever you are, and you're a star.”

“Will I really though? Forever stay desperate and displeased? You need to get your sh*t together. Wipe the slate of your mind clean.” Dylan thought.

He shook his head and moved his hair from his face. An ache spread across his chest. Not physically painful, but emotionally. More so than he had convinced himself that Alex was this pure perfect being, he had also convinced himself that anything of that nature was surely unobtainable in this plane of existence. At least for him.

“She isn’t even yours. Why do you do this to yourself? You didn’t need to come here. To her house. Reb’s going to find out and you will have no f*cking body on this Earth.”

The thought raced so quickly through his mind that he jerked his head in the opposite direction that it was facing. As if he was trying to avoid some unseen being screaming hurtful things into his face.

“You probably shouldn’t have even written that letter. You tell yourself it’s because you wanted to salvage NBK, you wanted to make sure Reb wasn’t going to puss* out. But you know the real reason you did it. Come on, Vodka, you’re smarter than that. You thought you would pull her away from him and then you could sweep her up in a sympathetic embrace and everything in your own sh*tty little world would be healed and miraculously better. You’re the absolute worst kind of person on Earth. You’re no better than they are. You lie to yourself and you…”

“f*ck! The note!” Dylan shouted, throwing the headphones off his ears and onto the floor.

He had to find it and destroy it. Reb was not going to let that sh*t go. If Alex fell asleep, he would surely snoop through her stuff and come across it. He would instantly recognize the handwriting. Dylan jumped to his feet and dashed into Alex’s room.

“Okay, don’t f*ck anything up. You don’t want it to be obvious. Where would I hide sh*t if I were a teenage girl?” He mumbled to himself.

Dylan scanned the room like he was trying to find an ant in one of those messy I-Spy puzzle books. He rushed over to the bed and lifted the mattress. Nothing but an ancient composition notebook. He dropped the mattress and smoothed the sheet and comforter down so that it looked exactly as before.

“Dresser drawer, maybe?” He mumbled, pulling open each drawer and glancing inside.

Nothing.

Her desk was in pristine condition despite a thin layer of dust over the shelf full of CD ROM cases. He glanced at the clock behind his shoulder.

“f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! I have ten minutes.” He said, his voice quivering slightly.

Dylan stood in the middle of the room and slowly turned himself in each cardinal direction.

“Duh!” He said to himself, bopping his palm against his forehead.

On the dresser, to the right of the television perched upon it sat an old doll house. It was pressed against the wall that fed into the closet. Dylan peeked inside and his eyes scanned the perfectly organized set of tiny furniture that decorated the inside. On the very top floor of the dollhouse sat a tiny wooden bed, with a perfectly cut piece of cloth draped across it. Dylan picked the wooden bed up and to his surprise, a whole stack of folded pieces of paper spilled out from beneath it. His heart raced; he hadn’t expected more than his letter being in there.

He pulled the stack of folded paper out into the sunlit room so he could see better. Some of them were folded pieces of colored printer paper, some plain notebook paper like his. He instantly recognized his own handwriting through the triangular piece of paper and palmed it into his left hand He returned the stack of papers to their original hiding spot and smoothed over the fingerprints he had left in the dust that covered the outside of the dollhouse. He patted his back pocket for his wallet, produced it with a flick and shoved the note into the area where he kept his driver’s license.

A crackling sound of gravel echoed through the room. Someone was pulling into the driveway. Dylan made haste and hauled ass out of Alex’s room, hit the power button on the stereo system and ran downstairs. He had all but just plopped down into the recliner when he heard familiar laughter coming in from the foyer and the front door closing.

“Hey queerbait, you fall asleep already?” Eric called from the foyer.

“f*ck no, I’ve been watching Jerry Springer praying for Alex’s mom to come home so I could stare at her ass for the rest of the evening.” Dylan called out to Eric.

Alexis erupted into laughter once again as she came into the living room and tossed her bookbag on the loveseat.

“She would be mortified to hear that…but also probably very flattered.” Alex said, beaming a smile at Dylan.

His heart skipped a beat and it felt like he couldn’t breathe for a second.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, dude.” Eric said, walking into the living room.

“No, I’m just not feeling so hot. I think I’m coming down with something honestly. I should probably head home and see if my mom will take me to urgent care.” Dylan choked out.

“Suit yourself. We’re going to start dinner and then Alex said we could do some butt stuff!” Eric said, smacking a bent over Alex on the butt.

“I most definitely did not say that. Let me get my shoes off before you start groping on me.” She said, sounding completely done with his jokes for the day.

“I f*cking love you, do you know that?” Eric said, grabbing her from behjnd.

Dylan’s stomach churned at the sight, but he forced a fake bout of laughter through his lips and stood up from the recliner.

“I’ll hit you up later, man, if you’re going to be home.” Dylan said, putting his hat on.

“I might crash here tonight if Max doesn’t care. We can call you later if you want though.” Eric said, now stroking Alex’s hair as she sat on his lap on the love seat.

“Alright, it’s a date.” Dylan said, heading towards the door.

“You wish!” Eric called out to him.

“Keep it up and I will f*ck you, don’t play with me.” Dylan called back, leaving before Eric could reply.

He heard Alex’s laughter one more time as he headed towards his car and suddenly felt sick to his stomach.

“He’s in such a funny mood this evening.” I said, as soon as I heard the front door close behind Dylan.

I slid over from Eric’s lap and laid down on the love seat, my head against the arm rest and my legs over his legs.

“You mean a gay mood, he literally just said he would f*ck me!” Eric complained.

“Who could blame him, look at you.” I said, shrugging.

Eric looked disgusted for a second and then ran his hand from the top of my foot up my leg.

“I think he would rather f*ck you, if we’re being honest here.”

I couldn’t read the expression on Eric’s face and didn’t react for a second. Was he serious?

“Don’t say stuff like that.” I said, scowling at him.

It’s not that Dylan was an ugly person or bad to be around. I just couldn’t see anyone in the same way that I see Eric now. And as terrible as I feel to admit it, I had always heard that Dylan was especially mean to girls at school. Of course, I don’t feel badly for those girls because a lot of them were in the same crowd that Nicky was in and probably initiated the events. I just assume that if the rumors were true, I was slightly scared of Dylan.

“It’s true. Who do you think wrote that letter?” Eric said, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Shut up, Eric. He did not. You know it was probably Nicole or one of her goons.” I said, catching myself becoming defensive suddenly.

“Okay, well, if it wasn’t V, why was he one of the first people to jump to helping me sort it out? Guilty, guilty, guilty.” Eric said, smirking at me.

“Because he is your best friend who doesn’t like seeing you hurt?” I said, becoming irritated with the conversation already.

I know rationally that Eric wasn’t accusing me of anything, but it felt that way. I felt as if I had shame to hide just by discussing the letter in general. That’s why I hid it with the other notes that brought me shame or sadness in my life. Like letters from old “friends” or letters from bullies throughout the years. And the ever-accumulating scraps of paper from Nicole, reminding me that I was dirt.

“I guess, that could be one reason.” Eric said, focusing intently on running his fingers up the inseam of my jeans.

“Stop.” I said, watching his hand trail upwards.

“Stop this, or this?” He asked, tapping his finger on the seam outside of the crease of my thigh.

“You know what I mean.” I said softly.

“Oh. But I don’t, unless you tell me.” He said, staring intently at me.

I lifted my gaze to meet his and my face felt suddenly hot. A darker expression slowly washed across his face, like dusk settling into the horizon as the blackness of night blankets the tree line. Eric watched my face for reaction as he pressed the palm of his hand between my legs. As amazing as that felt, I quickly became embarrassed and covered my face with my forearm.

“No.” He said sternly, pulling my arm down away from my face.

“Eric, you know I…” I started to say but he shushed me as he turned his body towards me on the love seat.

I heaved a heavy sigh as he hovered over me. His hands fumbling with the button on my jeans, I reached over to offer help and he swatted my hand away.

“Stop.” He said softly, laughing under his breath.

“Okay Mister Bossy.” I said and rolled my eyes.

He finally undid the button on my jeans but didn’t unzip them, he just slid his hand into them and ran his fingers over the material of my underwear. Slowly at first until I shifted uncomfortably beneath his palm.

“What are you doing?” I asked coyly, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“Nothing.” He replied softly.

I stared up at him as he took his hand out of my jeans and then slid it back down in, this time on the inside of my underwear.

“Oh.” I said, biting my lip.

A small smile spread across his face as he nuzzled against me, resting his head on my chest.
“I can hear your heartbeat.” He whispered.

“Yeah, it tends to do that. Often.” I said, arching my hips and trying to force more direct contact as his fingers explored me.

“Stop. Relax.” He said, more commanding me to do so than suggesting it this time.

The pressure of his hand against me while fully clothed pushed me closer to the edge with each movement of his wrist. When I felt as if I couldn’t take it any longer, he would stop moving his hand completely.

“Eric, come on. Don’t do that. It’s really not nice.” I complained.

He looked up at me innocently.

“Do what?” He asked.

I sighed in frustration as he continued. Minding the pattern, he was starting to create, I closed my eyes. In and then out, once. Then twice. Then a third. Then he would slide his fingers out and over my cl*t and then stop. Two second count, and repeat. I held my breath and shuddered.

“What’s wrong?” He whispered, as he started to kiss my neck and down to my collarbone.

“You keep stopping. It’s driving me insane.” I said, in between ragged breaths.

“Well, you know. I could stop completely if you want.” He teased.

“No, please don’t. Keep going.” I said, closing my eyes.

“Open your eyes then.” He protested.
I, of course, did as I was told.

“Sorry.” I whispered.

“Don’t be.” He said, brushing his lips against mine.

I stared intently at his face, trying to focus on something. Anything. The way the sunset shone through the living room window, across our faces, made him seem menacing almost. The thickness of his eyelashes casting outstretched shadows down his cheeks. Our skin was an oil painting of orange, yellow, and black all melting together.

“Lex, how much do you love me?” He asked, his face softening into am almost vulnerable expression.

“Eric, I love you a lot. More than any…” I breathed in sharply, “thing.”

“More than anything?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, of course.” I said quickly.

His pattern became messy. I could no longer predict the movement of his fingers. My brain felt scattered. Headlights of a passing car ran quickly through the room as it passed by.

“More than anyone on this planet. Ever.” I offered, in jumbled spurts of words.

“Would you die for me?” He asked, his pupils seeming to dilate slightly.

I nodded quickly; I don’t think I rationally understood the concept at that very moment. I just wanted to cum and be done with it at this point. I’d never felt so disorganized in my life than at that very moment. My soul felt like it was dissociating slowly from my body, like a mouse pulled from a glue trap.
“Would you kill for me?” He asked, stopping his movement completely as I desperately tried to close my legs around his hand.

“Stop. Answer the question Alexis.” He said, smirking as he used his knee to keep my legs parted.

I looked up at him, with tunnel vision. I only saw him. There was no Earth or Heaven or Hell. God himself didn’t exist above Eric f*cking Harris in that moment.

“Yes Eric, I would. I’d kill for you. I’d die for you. Please. Come on.” I begged.

“Good.” He said, sighing slightly before taking his hand out of my pants completely.

I felt emotional, I wasn’t done. I was incomplete without his fingers pressed inside of me. Tears felt like they were going to spring forth for a second. My heart pounded in my chest. Biologically, I don’t think my body knew if it wanted to have a complete emotional breakdown or f*ck. I looked up at him, hovering over me. My vision was bleary.

“Shh…it’s okay.” He said, kissing me deeply.

I drew a breath in between our lips parting. Cool air pulled into my mouth from his. He must have decided to take pity on me because he had pulled my jeans off before I could pick myself up mentally from the complete meltdown I was trying not to have.

“Why?” I asked.

Empty words with an empty thought. I don’t even know what I was trying to express other than, ‘why do you torment me so?’. He looked like he was holding in laughter for a moment before I heard him unzip his pants. My eyes still glued to his, a chill went up my spine. Cryptic. Callous. Cruel.

He took his left hand in mine and held it tightly over my head, pressed into the arm of the loveseat and guided himself into me with his right. A small noise of relief escapes my lips as we meld together like Gallium being held tightly in the palm of your hand. In a matter of seconds, I’m finally released mentally and physically from what seemed like an eternity or painful torture. Images flash in front of my mind’s eye rapidly. A blooming flower, colorful patterns. I close my eyes tightly for just a second as blood rushes through my body and make a weak attempt to close my legs around him.

“Jesus f*cking Christ.” I say in between his thrusts.

I’m regaining my mental bearings and a strong feeling of anger washes over me.

“Eric, what the f*ck?” I ask, tilting my pelvis up slightly to stop his movement.

“What?” He asks, suddenly a deer in headlights.

“Why would you do that?” I ask, my voice cracking slightly.

“I wanted you to want me as badly as I want you all the time.” He says, sighing heavily.

I can’t really argue with that logic. I visibly relax and pull him in closer to me.

Oh, to love and be loved.

Chapter 18: Chapter 18: I get the time too often on AM radio.

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